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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 20:57

Or does my 11 and 7 year old scare you because they’re males?

And yet you won't let them use the male facilities because you're scared of males.

Do you want to have a think about that for a second?

UrsulaPandress · 08/05/2018 20:58

It's like Groundhog Day. This was done not long ago.

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 20:59

However that won't be the case when he turns 9 so the OP needs to start looking for a solution sharpish

Ahhh so you are preemptively condemning her for her theoretical actions.

Good work.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 21:00

And yet you won't let them use the male facilities because you're scared of males

I presume she doesn't mean she is scared of what 7 and 11 year olds might do.

MetalMidget · 08/05/2018 21:01

Once he's too old for the ladies changing rooms, put him in trunks with clothes over the top when you pick him up, then get take off his outer clothing and voila! He's ready to swim. Then you can use the disabled changing on the way out, as there's no longer any time pressure.

Hopefully by the time your son hits 10 the leisure centre will have come good on their promise that more accessible changing is on its way, or you'll have hot in on a later lesson.

YABVU to say that women should use a cubicle if they feel uncomfortable though - women aren't prancing around naked, they're getting showering, getting changed, etc, and they're perfectly reasonable to assume that they can do so without older boys or men being present, and are perfectly within their rights to question occasions where this seems not to be the case.

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 21:01

I presume she doesn't mean she is scared of what 7 and 11 year olds might do.

And yet she still won't send them in there because she's scared of...wait for it...males.

Funny that.

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/05/2018 21:01

@PleaseDontGoadTheToad absolutely I am! Adult males are of an age where they have been raised in a really toxic way. We’re only just now in the last decade or so raising our sons with better values and qualities to rid them of the toxicity. Why should I throw my sons in with potential predators? Why would I risk that? Why would I allow them to become potentially abused? Because they’re males? If we keep this up then it will never end and everything will be an endless cycle of abuse, toxic exposure and shittery. So no, I won’t let my young boys go solo in male changing rooms just because you’re scared of males. They are in a cubicle and out of sight, you’re messed up if you have an issue with that.

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 21:02

These threads always go the same way. Parents of boys are generally bit more understanding about why someone wouldn't want to send a young boy into the men's on their own.

Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 21:03

think that to go in the men's is better than to go in the women's. Due to the imbalance of power, danger, history of objectification etc.
However, it just seems that it's more expected that women should be the ones putting up with male children in their space. Because they are women. Who should put up with things. Especially children

I don’t get this argument, if that’s the case ‘imbalance of power, danger etc’ why send a extremely vulnerable child with SEN in alone? Or are you suggesting mum should go with him?

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/05/2018 21:04

And it’s not the fact they’re male im scared, it’s the fact a LOT of adult males were raised in certain ways with certain thoughts and ways. I’m not allowing my sons near them solo, as you wouldn’t allow your daughters near them solo.

Idontdowindows · 08/05/2018 21:05

So no, I won’t let my young boys go solo in male changing rooms just because you’re scared of males

Cognitive dissonance, table for one?

UnimaginativeUsername · 08/05/2018 21:05

I’m a parent of boys who has accepted that sending them into the men’s alone us just how it has to be. 8 year old DS2 would rather die than go into the women’s.

So it’s pools with communal changing or the small pool his swim club is based at for us. At swimming club he’s not alone in the men’s anyway; he accompanied by all the other boys in the swimming club.

OreoMini · 08/05/2018 21:06

Op until he turns 9 carry on using the women’s, your perfectly within your right too.

If someone wants to speak to a member of staff then they can and you can confirm he is still only 8 and allowed to use the women’s. If they do not like that then they can use a cubicle.

Once he is 9 you will have to find another solution, maybe later lessons might come up so you have more time before hand or a different pool with better facilities. Until then don’t worry about it.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 21:06

@PleaseDontGoadTheToad

Am I supposed to not notice there is a difference between a pre-pubescent boy and an adult man?

I'll play along.

Oh yeah! You got me there!

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 21:06

Adult males are of an age where they have been raised in a really toxic way. We’re only just now in the last decade or so raising our sons with better values and qualities to rid them of the toxicity.

Hmm

So no, I won’t let my young boys go solo in male changing rooms just because you’re scared of males.

I'm not scared of males. Thanks for your concern though.

missbonita · 08/05/2018 21:08

It is the swimming pool that is restricting his rights, not the women who do not want an older male child in the changing room.

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 21:08

Oh yeah! You got me there!

Grin
Slanetylor · 08/05/2018 21:08

That’s beyond ridiculous. I sometimes leave my 10 year old dd to get dressed by herself. But you think it’s fine to have 11 year old boys in there because males are predators ( except your males of course)

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 21:10

Your child is a girl @Slanetylor therefore her needs and what she wants don't matter.

balsamicbarbara · 08/05/2018 21:11

I'm with FranticallyPeaceful here. It's best if boys nowadays don't interact with previous generations of men who were brought up with more patriarchal misogynist approaches to life as they are very impressionable at that age. When DS1 got to about 12 and felt too embarrassed getting changed with me in the ladies, we stopped going swimming and took up tennis instead and to be honest it's not like you can learn to swim any better once you can do 1000 metres or so so we've closed that chapter of our lives without regret.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/05/2018 21:12

Direct your wrath at the sports centre, after all their cut off is 9 and then you will be stuck unless they improve the disabled changing - and not thru the fault of any female customer.

^This. The venue is at fault, not women who have a reasonable expectation of privacy in a women only changing room without random men and older boys walking in. Describing women changing in a changing room as prancing about naked is just silly.

You don't actually have a problem using the women's changing room at the moment as DS is under 9 and the pool allows it. If people query his age surely you just tell them he is 8?

My kids were all tall and looking above their age at this point. Its was a regular question but hardly the major issue you suggest.

If the cubicle is too small for you and your son to share, its also too small for all those other women to share with their own young DCs to supervise. I'm also not clear on why he can't use a cubicle with you in the door way to minimise the the lines of sight?

I've seen several PPs ask what you will do as he grows older if he still needs help. You cannot seriously expect to take him to the women's space as he grows, your energy would be better directed toward pushing for better facilities with other parents rather than carping about women who have the temerity to be changing in a women's changing room

Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 21:13

mirrivan fair enough, if you consider that men are not a ‘danger’ to women.

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 21:14

Yes. that's what I'm suggesting.

So, you would be happy for an adult male to come into the women's changing with his daughter as the men (who had cubicles available) were uncomfortable with her being in the male facilities presumably?