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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 08/05/2018 20:45

Mirrivan I don't want anyone's privacy or dignity breached. Which is why new clubs and leisure centres should be and generally are designed to avoid this sort of dilemma. Older ones are not and may not be accessible to some would-be users (although I think the OP may just have to allow more time before her slot to make sure she gets the use of the one-and-only) - just like my favourite curry house which is in the basement of a seventeenth-century building with no lift and nowhere to put one.

DevilsDoorbell · 08/05/2018 20:46

Thanks toad!

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 20:46

The pool told me it’s age 9 so until he turns 9 I will take him to female change room.
I am hoping working next 10 months there will be changes
But honestly I am not braking any rules
My point it simply this
He is within his right to be with me in female change room, and if you are uncomfortable with that than use the private cubicle (clue is in the name)

OP posts:
PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 20:46

Oh and I'm disabled. Just in case anyone wants to throw in the 'you have no clue what it's like' accusations again.

Avasarala · 08/05/2018 20:46

@MirriVan

When my dad took my swimming, up until I was around 8, he took me into the group changing as there were only a few large cubicles. Once I got old enough to sort myself, he put me in my own small cubicle. But the men had to deal with me being in there until I was old enough to not be.

It’s not just women being inconvenienced. Both men and women deal with children of both sexes in their groups changing rooms until the children are old enough to go into their own sex changing rooms alone, or use a alternative.

You’re spouting nonsense and you’re coming across as very dim. A woman cannot go pounding into the men’s changing room just cause she’s a career, just like a man cannot go into a woman’s changing room because he is a career. Children can go into these rooms until they are 8/9. That is absolutely reasonable.

Stop with your double standards and start being sensible.

crispysausagerolls · 08/05/2018 20:46

I don't understand why you have posted this? He is allowed to be in there until he is 9. So you want him to stay in there until then, which is fine. So why post? You have been given a lot of sensible suggestions about what to do when he reaches 9, but you are being very rude and aggressive, and you do sound very stroppy and entitled.

Andrewofgg · 08/05/2018 20:47

"Because it's a female changing room.

You know, as in a changing room with girls and women.

Damn right their needs and wants come before a boys in their space.

Exactly.

And vice versa.

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 20:47

Because it's a female changing room

That her son is allowed to use.

You know, as in a changing room with girls and women

And boys under nine with their female carer.

Damn right their needs and wants come before a boys in their space

They really don't though.

Are you arguing that swimming pools should allow any males of any age in the female changing rooms?

Audree · 08/05/2018 20:47

What about 8 year old girls who are uncomfortable with that?

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 20:48

if you are uncomfortable with that than use the private cubicle

Why the bloody hell should they?

It's their space.

You're the one with the problem here so you use the private cubicle.

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/05/2018 20:49

So hang on... @boywiththebrokensmile2 . Boys can go get dressed with potential predators but girls can’t? If it’s a toxicity issue with males, which apparently it is, I’m just to allow my sons get potentially raped or whatever - because they’re just boys. But let’s keep the girls safe?

It’s nothing to do with them being able to get dressed on their own. I want to keep my kids safe and close to me, so I will. I will keep them in a cubicle so I don’t offend anybody, isn’t that enough? Or does my 11 and 7 year old scare you because they’re males? So I should just shove them in the male locker room with the other men you’re scared of?

Backwards.

Andrewofgg · 08/05/2018 20:49

Well, there has to be a cut-off point somewhere. DW took DS swimming without me until he was - we think - five; then it was always me. That may be a bit young. My pool specifies the ninth birthday.

MotherofTerriers · 08/05/2018 20:50

But a young girl who feels uncomfortable doesn't have the choice of a private cubicle. If you don't fit in there with your son, neither does a young girl with her mum. Little girls can need help with drying and dressing too.

Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 20:50

Depending on your son’s perspective, the ‘rules’ might be 9. If he feels comfortable carry on.

Maybe he feels just as uncomfortable, as you say he stares at the floor. Put your son before ‘rights’ would be my only advice Flowers

OreoMini · 08/05/2018 20:50

Could you get him changed into his swim stuff before he goes to the pool? At home .. And then just take his top/bottoms off and he’s ready?
After the lesson you can wait for the disabled space as you won’t be in a rush..

Flutist · 08/05/2018 20:50

So being a certain gender and able bodied trumps being disabled

No. But...

The rights of multiple people trump the rights of one individual.

The rights of people to use the space intended for them trumps the rights of someone for whom the space is not intended, and for whom alternative facilities are available.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 20:51

Oh my .....

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 20:51

You're the one with the problem here so you use the private cubicle

No, she's not. The point is that somebody else complained about her son being there.

StealthNinjaMum · 08/05/2018 20:53

Op I know you've complained to the leisure centre but how is it run / funded? Is it local authority? I know money's tight everywhere but if it's la run could you go to your local council to support the pressure you're putting on the actual leisure centre.

A neighbour of mine has mobility issues and her daughter complained to the council and they found a tiny amount of money from the roads budget to change the pavement outside her house which was dangerous for her. I don't know if this is unusual but you might find your council has a commitment to people with disabilities and / or a committee to oversea council policies - after all presumably you're not the only one with this issue.

BalaBrith · 08/05/2018 20:53

I honestly don't see the problem with either waiting for the accessible changing room to become available or letting him go into a cubicle on his own and waiting outside it.

What about the toilets? They must have disabled toilets... or even normal toilet cubicles. You can definitely fit more than one person in those...

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 20:54

Andrewofgg

And the OPs pool specifies the same. Her son is 8.

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 20:54

That her son is allowed to use.

For now, yes.

However that won't be the case when he turns 9 so the OP needs to start looking for a solution sharpish.

It is completely unacceptable and completely entitled of the OP to demand that women and girls should use the private cubicles because they don't want to get changed in front of a boy in the bloody female changing rooms.

There is nothing stopping the OP's DS getting changed in a private cubicle with her standing in the doorway but she isn't having any of that. It has to be the girls who move of course.

Are you arguing that swimming pools should allow any males of any age in the female changing rooms?

Hmm

I am arguing no such thing.

OreoMini · 08/05/2018 20:55

letting him go into a cubicle on his own and waiting outside it

Did you miss the bit were the OP said he’s not mentally able to do it himself and needs her help?

ShotsFired · 08/05/2018 20:55

@MotherofTerriers ...not to mention the elderly lady, or the religious females, or the post-surgery women, or or or...any one of a hundred other different types of women who enter a sex-segregated changing room and expect it to be a penis-free environment.

BalaBrith · 08/05/2018 20:56

Must have missed that bit. Still there's been plenty of other suggestionsConfused

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