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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents having the right to have time with grandchildren

134 replies

yike · 08/05/2018 17:00

AIBU to think this needs to be thought through very carefully and the appropriate safeguards put in place before it goes ahead? I'm all for children maintaining relationships with family (and friends) when parents' relationships break down (particularly so, as it could be an important constant for them), but equally where there has been bad blood there is a real risk as when parents themselves use the kids as pawns in their arguments that grandparents could do the same. Is the idea that this would just apply after a divorce - what about at other times when families are NC? Could grandparents just demand to see grandchildren against the wishes of both parents? What if said GP have a history of manipulation, posting photos of the children on social media without parents' consent, or other questionable behaviour?

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 08/05/2018 17:53

I personally do not think parents should be forced to allow their children in the company of anyone they disapprove of. It’s their decision alone to make

I agree, if all parents were rational sane people...but many are not. Many children miss out on grandparents because they have a parent who just doesn't like an in-law.

kaytee87 · 08/05/2018 17:56

how? If their father shares custody of them then it’s his responsibility and right to take them to visit when he has them? I’m not being goady I genuinely don’t understand how, unless their son also doesn’t want his parents around his kids?

^ exactly this. It's always the woman's fault thought

Gottagetmoving · 08/05/2018 17:56

Gottagetmoving how? If their father shares custody of them then it’s his responsibility and right to take them to visit when he has them? I’m not being goady I genuinely don’t understand how, unless their son also doesn’t want his parents around his kids

It's happened when the absent father doesn't bother with his children. The grandparents don't agree with their son's behaviour and can't change him...but we're denied contact because the mother took it out on them.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 08/05/2018 17:56

I'd better get dh to put something in writing about his dp and his dsis. If something happened to him how on earth would I prove he had zero relationships with his dp?

kaytee87 · 08/05/2018 17:58

The absent father doesn't give a fuck about his children and the woman is being spiteful for not bowing down to his parents requests?

Gottagetmoving · 08/05/2018 18:25

The absent father doesn't give a fuck about his children and the woman is being spiteful for not bowing down to his parents requests?

That's not exactly what I said, is it?
You think his parents should be punished because he is a useless dad?
Yes, one of the women I knew was being particularly spiteful because she had split up with her boyfriend. His mother had been a loving grandmother who often looked after the two grandchildren but after the split the mother wouldn't let her see them.
Do you think mothers are always the ones in the right?

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 08/05/2018 18:29

And how many women do facilitate relations or try too when husband of dad has been abusive and hideous. But I expect that's where she the gp have admitted and recognise he has been awful.

Flexoset · 08/05/2018 18:45

I do know an instance of a GM who was cut off from contact with her GC by her own daughter.

GM is kind and decent. Daughter is a nasty, emotionally abusive piece of work. (I do know them both well enough to be sure of this.) Deeply sad for GC.

However... I don't think this suggestion is the way forward. The daughter in this example would simply lie and allege anything against the GM in order to maintain control and continue the status quo (as she has done in other situations already). Presumably this would also happen in all similar cases where the GP are unfairly excluded by the parents.

Plus there are the many cases of genuinely toxic GPs who should be kept away from their GC at all costs.

Just no.

Flexoset · 08/05/2018 19:14

Plus imo the type of GP who thinks they have "rights" over their GC is often the type of GP likely to be toxic.

User467 · 08/05/2018 19:22

We have nc with one set of GP and have been since my eldest was just over a year old, they have never met my youngest. I looked into this and apparently for the GP to apply for the right to see their gc they need to prove that they have had a significant role/relationship with the child and that not seeing them would be detrimental. I think it's very sad for good GPs to be denied access to GC out of spite, that's not fair on anyone but it would be crazy to allow all GP automatic access. Most people who have NC have very good reasons for doing so

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 08/05/2018 19:43

Plus imo the type of GP who thinks they have "rights" over their GC is often the type of GP likely to be toxic

Indeed the type who upsets the apple cart by not respecting boundaries, not listening when the parent is upset.Rail roading them, undermining their parenting, never saying a kind thing!

Saying what can be construed as emotionally abusive things to the DC and the parents who know and love their dc - and know how much contact is good for the dc. In our case a few times a year.

Of course my pils dont agree because they are amazing rich - successful people who are superior to their own son, and to me and to many people they meet.

GorgonLondon · 08/05/2018 19:47

It's happened when the absent father doesn't bother with his children. The grandparents don't agree with their son's behaviour and can't change him...but we're denied contact because the mother took it out on them.

Then deal with your son.

Andrewofgg · 08/05/2018 19:51

If GPS why not aunts and uncles? It’s not going to happen.

Metoodear · 08/05/2018 19:51

The courts and barely get contact between parents right good like trying to enforce it

Can’t wait To see a case we’re parents are separated but both parents agree grandparents shouldn’t have contact

Metoodear · 08/05/2018 19:54

GorgonLondon

In cases we’re the son don’t bother with his child it’s very very u likey that the grandparents haven’t had a hand in making things worse at some point
Usually the enable the behaviour most men I know who fudge off their kids do it with the blessing of their family

If my son thought he could show his face here if he had abandoned his children let alone bring a new set of wife and a kids here

RainbowFairiesHaveNoPlot · 08/05/2018 20:04

I'm minimal contact with my in-laws. I've bent over backwards in the past to attempt to ensure the kids have a relationship with their grandparents but the grandparents only really want to see the kids for a couple of hours every few months, take photos to shove on FB as grandparents of the year, and then go back to showering the favoured grandkids with love and attention for months on end. Plus they undermine me whenever they have time with the kids - last time they decided to ram DD2 back in nappies just to give themselves a quiet life which caused fucking havoc to try to undo all of that.

I'm not going to block them having contact but I'm fucked if I'm going to jump through hoops to enable it these days - they can go through DH and he lacks the "socialised to be a nice dutiful little woman" background which is kind of tough luck for them cos they let him grow up not returning calls for weeks on end and just generally "being DH". I used to do it but they pushed me and undermined everything too damned much for me to do that now.

MillicentF · 08/05/2018 20:24

I knew this would turn into an in law bashing thread!

RainbowFairiesHaveNoPlot · 08/05/2018 20:35

Oh well - glad we didn't disappoint you.

Racecardriver · 08/05/2018 20:39

Nobody has a right to a child. They are people, not toys. Parents are hairdos there to v protect their interests. As such good parents will not prevent contact without reason. However they're are bad parents out there just like there are bad GPs. Perhaps a better 'right' to enforce would the be the right of a child to have with their family members when it is not against their best interests.

Metoodear · 08/05/2018 20:40

MillicentF I believe my ex mother in law had a direct had in my ex not seeing his kids

She was the one who fudgeing advised him not to pay maintenance and also to not give into my demands for him to see dc 😯

Not saying ex is not a arse however he’s not helped to be honest instead of encouraging him to get himself in hand and see his kiddies she power played

RomeoBunny · 08/05/2018 20:41

Already posted about this yesterday. They want to give aunts and uncles rights too. Please contact your MPs

UpSideDownBrain · 08/05/2018 21:04

As long as it cuts both ways - so parents could go to court to get grandparents to provide free childcare.

Gottagetmoving · 08/05/2018 21:05

Then deal with your son
Not my son!... and why do you think grandparents can sort out an adult son?

UpSideDownBrain · 08/05/2018 21:12

To any parent who does not have access because your son or daughter is not engaged with their own DC, I suggest you focus your finely tuned patenting skills on your own children to resolve the problem before your decide to focus your attentions on the next generation.

AllyMcBeagle · 08/05/2018 21:14

To any parent who does not have access because your son or daughter is not engaged with their own DC, I suggest you focus your finely tuned patenting skills on your own children to resolve the problem before your decide to focus your attentions on the next generation.

^ This. 100%.

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