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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to decline to do this

163 replies

rodstewartsmerkin · 08/05/2018 14:26

Backstory: about 2 and a half years ago my DH and I had a disagreement with his sister and her husband. It had been building for a while and it was a bit unpleasant. I won’t say what it was about as it’s quite outing but it wasn’t anything really that major. Just a case of simmering when it should have been nipped in the bud. We all learned some lessons I think. I am not an avid user of social media but do have Facebook and Instagram and I noticed weeks afterwards that they had both blocked me on both sites. I found it odd and perhaps a bit childish but their choice.

Anyway, we’re not as close as we once were but our children are which is great.

My AIBU is that I went on maternity leave with my
second DD at the start of April and she was born in the middle of April...and they’ve asked me to look after their daughter two days a week to help them with childcare. There’s been no mention of paying me for this being a regular thing. I could be being a bit childish myself but I’m still blocked on their social media but I’m useful to look after their dd.

During my pregnancy they never once asked how I was, when my due date was or anything about it. I don’t expect to be the centre of attention but found it strange that they never asked me or DH anything about pregnancy.

Aibu and a bit childish to tell them to find their own childcare as I have a three year old and newborn?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 08/05/2018 17:09

Some women are just amazing and able to care for a baby and child mind. I certainly wasn't one of them. Whilst I still think she's a disgrace, if, as a strictly business arrangement it suited you, you could propose £12.5/hr x 8hrs x 2 days = £200 p/w plus money for lunch and tea. Ask for 2 weeks upfront. Have it all written in a contract with 2 weeks notice. Overtime beyond 8 hrs @£14 p/h.
TBH though, you've no idea how your own birth or baby is going to be. Even formalised, I think it would be massively risky.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 08/05/2018 17:11

I bet they think you will say yes! Beyond CFuckery!

Leeds2 · 08/05/2018 17:12

I would certainly not agree to this. Just tell them no.

I wouldn't be that bothered about being blocked on SM though, as they could genuinely have forgotten that they blocked you.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 08/05/2018 17:15

I’ve got 2Unlimited going round in my head now:

“no no
no no no no
no no no no
no no
cheeky fucker”

TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO

RiotAndAlarum · 08/05/2018 17:25

DS is really pining for a playdate with a school friend at the moment, but I'm resolutely not-asking, because the mother has a newborn!

kaytee87 · 08/05/2018 17:32

@Tinkobell that wouldn't be allowed at all. Op is on maternity leave and I'm assuming is not a childminder or nanny.

Op yanbu. I'd be tempted to reply something like 'haha very funny, I have a newborn and a 3yo'

Whocansay · 08/05/2018 17:33

PaulHollywoodsSexGut GrinGrinGrin

OP, I really hope you've told them where to go. Newborns are difficult enough on their own!

SandyY2K · 08/05/2018 17:40

That would be a NO.

To be honest even without the disagreement I would say no. Simply because my newborn (without my own toddler) is enough to manage.

I see nothing wrong with saying as a one of in an emergency they can reach out.

That doesn't mean you'll necessarily be available if/when they ask.

morningperson · 08/05/2018 17:40

I'm "Team MrsHathaway" excellent response.

Turquoise123 · 08/05/2018 17:42

Well put MrsHathaway - nicely done.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/05/2018 18:01

My sister tried this with me when she was pregnant with her first. THere is just an 8 months age gap between the two cousins so it would have been such hard hard work with 2 young babies.

She seemed quite offended when I told her a very direct “no chance!” It’s like she thought I should have done it out of love and the goodness of my heart, for free. she was in a well-paid job so childcare costs weren’t a massive issue but I was struggling on just DH’s wages.

Some people are just cheeky fuckers and have no sense of empathy or consideration for others’ situations.

My mum had the “honour” of being her unpaid childminder in the end. Quite a bit easier for my mum as she wasn’t up at night with a crying baby and had my dad there too for extra help. Plus she just had the one child in the day to look after.

I still laugh at the memory of my sister’s reaction when she asked me - it was like she was doing ME a favour, allowing me to spend so much time with her child!!

Tinkobell · 08/05/2018 18:11

Mmm fair point @Kaytee87. The OP's welfare is clearly being shat on here.

MintyChops · 08/05/2018 18:12

Jesus, what is WRONG with these people? It was bad enough looking after my own 3 when the littlest was a newborn! Another vote for MrsHathaway’s excellent answer, minus the “one-off/emergency” offer, for reasons others have stated.

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rodstewartsmerkin · 08/05/2018 19:47

paulhollywood

I laughed out loud at that. Grin

I’ve sent a text saying

“Unfortunately I cannot commit to that level of childcare so I think it’s best if you pay for someone to look after insert name”

OP posts:
Dozer · 08/05/2018 19:50

CFs.

Even if you actually wanted to do it, to be paid wouldn’t you need to register as a childminder anyway?

MrsHathaway · 08/05/2018 20:03

I'm back

I agree that CFs will take a mile when given an inch. But I tend to try to give people the benefit of the doubt ...

AND I believe a little arse covering goes a long way. Presumably OP's PIL still talk to SIL and OP has said that the cousins get on, so it would be a major bridge to burn. If you say you won't do it at all then regardless of how reasonable that would actually be it might sound twatty to other people, whereas if you say that you can't commit to a regular arrangement but can be a back-up then it sounds as though you aren't objecting to the principle but only the practicalities/logistics. When asked "in an emergency" you can assess ad hoc whether it's needed or just CF and respond accordingly.

Gemini69 · 08/05/2018 20:20

you did right OP.. No is NO... Flowers

Willow2017 · 08/05/2018 20:31

Tinkerbell
Where the hell do you live?
£12.50p/h !! I wish! Its £3.50 for registered cm here.

Plus its illegal to charge if you arent registered anyway.

Original poster
rodstewartsmerkin · 08/05/2018 20:35

£3.50 per hour? Is that even legal?

OP posts:
Extravagant · 08/05/2018 20:47

Two word response...you pick the first, and the second is most definitely “NO”.

DialMforMordor · 08/05/2018 20:55

I think the problem is that if you offer the 'emergency' option, while it's the generous thing to do, you'll then have to decide whether the SIL's idea of an 'emergency' is really an emergency or not... probably with the SIL on the doorstep with the child waving at your child.

Then you're stuck in a no-win argument about, 'well, you were fine last week when I had that dental appointment, why can't you look after him/her for an hour while I get my highlights done, anyway, they love seeing each other, look! I told little Billy we were coming here, aw, look at his sad face, are you seriously telling me you're too tired, what's an hour, come on...'

If she's shameless enough to ask this favour out of the blue, then she's shameless enough to have you babysitting three days a week before you can say, wtf.

3luckystars · 08/05/2018 20:59

Techno Techno Techno Techno

GrinGrinGrin thanks so much Paul Hollywood!

Willow2017 · 08/05/2018 21:01

Course its legal😀 cm have to price according to their market. No point charging £6.00 per hour if clients are on nmw.

QueenDaisy · 08/05/2018 21:01

They are not going to like being told no, I imagine they’ll go to your DH next & ask him to change your mind 😏