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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you share money in your relationship

181 replies

jajajaja4 · 07/05/2018 17:02

I am interested to hear how couples manage money.

Do you both put all your money in a joint account and both dip into it, or do you pay 50/50 for bills and buy other things with your own cash?

The reason I ask is me and my fiance earn very different amounts - he earns around 50k while I earn 20k. We pay 50/50 for bills, which means he has A LOT more money to spend on luxuries and leisure.

I know it's his money, but I'm wondering if married couples usually operate in this way? And what happens with SAHMs - do they get any money from their partners to buy things they need? Does their husband resent them?

OP posts:

MiniMum97 · 08/05/2018 23:23

All goes in one pot. Because we are partners.

MrsElijahMikaelson · 08/05/2018 23:26

DP earns more than me so he pays more bills than me.

So we both have roughly the same amount to spend.

I cant believe you allow this. I would have a word with your husband. Its not fair whats so ever.

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 09/05/2018 06:51

Reading over everything, I still think you should pay half the bills. You are using those facilities as much as him.

Also, discussing this with people at work out of curiosity, one said to me that her and her partner used to do the joint account thing and when they split up temporarily, he just drained the account into a private one leaving her with nothing.

I know it's not nice to think about, but things like that have to be considered.

CPtart · 09/05/2018 06:55

DH earns several times what I do. We each put x% of our salary into joint account for bills etc, then the remainder of our salaries is for each of us to spend as we wish. I am a saver, DH a spender. Therefore if he wants to spend £100 on a shirt it wouldn't affect me st all.

MyBreadIsEggy · 09/05/2018 07:00

Everything goes into a joint account.
All bills, grocery shopping, car costs, leisure money etc all comes out of the same joint account.
We do discuss spending - like if DH wants to spend money on his hobby stuff on eBay, he will run it past me. Same if I want to buy something for myself.
We keep a pretty strict budget, so we write down all our outgoings so we can keep track of where every penny is going.

MyBreadIsEggy · 09/05/2018 07:03

Should add, I’m a SAHM but do have a small income from occasional cake-making. I usually do 3 or 4 cakes a month, but that only brings in a max of £200 depending on the size/decoration, so DH earns considerably more!! But still, all money is shared and we don’t begrudge each other spending. We treat everything as OUR money

deptfordgirl · 09/05/2018 07:52

We have had a shared account since we married. He's better with money than me so it's actually been good for me as I don't splurge so much, knowing he will see! But we both treat it as our money and no resentment either way. When we first married I was earning more, then he was and now I'm taking a few years out to look after the children so don't earn anything. Definitely no resentment as we both think of it as our money. I'm looking after our children and he is earning the money at the moment so we are both contributing. In the future I may well earn more again. That works for us but I know other sahms who have money transferred to an account every month so they know they have a set amount. I think that sounds a bit controlling but it seems to work for them.

Sophaloaf · 09/05/2018 08:43

We have seperate accounts. He earns more than me (I'm part time at work) but we split the bills in accordance to how much we earn. We rent so as that is a big one he will pay that and I do the council tax. It works like that. We have our own bills that we are responsible for. I'm not all for the idea of a joint account personally, I like knowing where my money goes and not feeling like I'm taking out of something he might need. It's worked for us so far.

Cornishclio · 09/05/2018 09:17

There is a massive difference in your fiancés wage and yours so this where the disproportion comes in and really to be fair as a couple he should be paying two thirds of the bills and you pay one third so your extra income increases but you are not completely sharing income. A lot of young couples do as you do though until married or have kids together. As you live together though you should be tailoring bills to the lower earner unless the higher one is willing to pay more so you rent somewhere you can easily afford as well as him and tell him holidays/leisure activities need to be tailored to your budget.

When DH and I first moved in together we had a joint account with all income and expenses coming out of one account. Similar income and personal expenditure so it worked. Carried on when we bought our first house and for three years when I was a SAHM after having our 2 DDs but obviously DH had income where I had none but as joint account it was no issue. Over the years it fell to me to sort out bills and budgets. When I returned to part time work and later full time our disposable income got larger but DH was spending lots on hobbies and not saving for holidays etc and leaving me to scratch around to find money to buy kids shoes and pay for a holiday, Christmas etc etc. We therefore moved to all income going in one account but we each had same spending money go into personal accounts for hobbies and clothes which is where we are now.

Ansumpasty · 09/05/2018 09:23

I’m a SAHM. All my husband’s salary goes into our joint account and I consider that my money as much as he does.
I don’t have to ask to buy myself something, of course not. If it’s a large purchase, I will run it by him but only in the same way he will. We are both aware of how much money we have and are sensible so it’s never been an issue.
He doesn’t resent me as we are a family...

Likejellytots88 · 09/05/2018 09:35

I'm a SAHM I have my own bank account and DP has his own plus a business account but all money is our money if that makes sense. He transfers money for bills etc to me as they go out from my account (easier to have them all in one place than try to remember whats going out from where on which day) then I just take what I need to buy food etc I don't have to ask. My account gets topped up with child benefit every week as well.
If its a bigger purchase (like the 2 new expensive pairs of shoes I wanted for DS last week) then I will ask just to double check we can afford it as I can never be arsed to check either account, I just assume there's money there! And the same when it comes to birthday presents for the DC, I'll ask him what we can afford to spend and he'll either give me some cash or we'll agree a limit. Sometimes he'll tell me to wait til after a certain day/bill but other than that never really have issues with money.

Twirlywooos · 09/05/2018 10:16

It all goes straight in our joint account. My husband has always earned much more than me and probably always will. We discuss big purchases but apart from that, we spend what we want. We have always shared our money though, even when we were dating as teenagers. If neither of us had money then we couldn’t do anything but if one of us had £20, we would go to the cinema/out for a meal etc.

Cloudyapples · 09/05/2018 10:25

Similar situation in terms of earning op. My dp and I have a joint account where we put an agreed percentage of or income in (say 50 or 60%) which we worked out was enough to cover food shopping, bills etc and then we both have a bit leftover for ourselves. It means he pays more than me, but he still has more leftover than me and we both think of it as if we weren’t together I’d live somewhere cheaper within my means etc so it seems fair his way

Cloudyapples · 09/05/2018 10:25

This way not his way! We both agreed to this way of doing things!

pigmcpigface · 09/05/2018 10:28

We put all the money in a joint account and spend it together. This has been the case even when I wasn't earning at all due to being ill. Apart from regular grocery shops, we don't really buy anything without talking about it first - it's not a big rigmarole, it's just that we'll usually be out shopping together. Our priorities are pretty much identical anyway - we have never argued about money.

lalaloopyhead · 09/05/2018 10:32

We have never had a joint account, and it is not something I want. However I would say we have joint finances as we arrange things so that we have the same amount of money left over after bills and savings are allocated.

This works well for us and I feel it is fair - I earn more than DH but I have 2 children from previous relationship who we technically support jointly.

Trinity66 · 09/05/2018 10:43

Myself and my DH earn similar amounts so that makes it kind of easier I guess, we do have a joint account but both our wages go into our own accounts and we just transfer money for bills into that, 50/50. Obviously there are months when he has more to pay out with his car or whatever and vice versa so i might pay for more things like meals/cinema (or vice versa) But at the end of the day it's all just our money, neither of us would ever be going short while the other is living a life of luxury or anything

HicDraconis · 09/05/2018 10:56

Joint mortgage(s), joint current account, joint credit card. All monthly spending (food shop, clothes, school bits & bobs, things for boys, treats, gifts, anything) goes on the credit card and is paid off in full each month.

I’m the main earner (6 figures), DH is the sahp ($0). Any purchases over around $100 we discuss first but we both have very similar attitudes to spending anyway.

It’s been like this since we got married, similar earning disparity throughout. I couldn’t earn what I do without DH at home holding it all together.

Vanessatiger · 09/05/2018 10:58

Joint account for daily living. To be honest, if he uses the money for anything extra (like hookers?) I wouldn’t know as he has several other overseas accounts as well. But I can spend money on whatever I (reasonably) feel like.
I’m a sahm. Husband isn’t resentful. I go to spa regularly and can book holidays and buy a yatch if I feel like. But I don’t do that.
I guess I could spend about 15k of our money without consulting him first. The most I’ve spent on a trip is 60k. Then he sort of diplomatically told me I’ve overspent that month.

I have inherited money that’s mine. I don’t share with him.

Vanessatiger · 09/05/2018 10:59

Yacht*

Madeline18 · 09/05/2018 11:00

We gave joint accounts and seperate accounts and money comes out of all of them to pay for everything, there's no squabbling over who's is what.

Trinity66 · 09/05/2018 11:01

The most I’ve spent on a trip is 60k

Where did you go? The moon?

MrsPreston11 · 09/05/2018 11:01

We each get paid into our own accounts, then have direct debits set up into the joint account to cover all our joint costs.

DH puts in more as he earns more.

MissP103 · 09/05/2018 11:06

Im a sahm and my dh's salary goes into our joint account. He hasnt ever asked or questioned me or told me what im allowed to spend. If he saw this as his money then i wouldn't have stopped working. When he gets his bonus he splits it equally. I think both of us would be very hurt if the other didnt enjoy the same lifestyle.

Raven88 · 09/05/2018 11:07

I am the main earner so I pay the bills and my DH contributes every week because he has a weekly paid job. We have a joint account that I use for bills and my pay goes into that. I do all the budgeting by choice. It's kinda 60/40. It's works well for us because we both still have our own money. If I need him to contribute more for a holiday or outing I tell him in advance and he can budget for that.

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