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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you share money in your relationship

181 replies

jajajaja4 · 07/05/2018 17:02

I am interested to hear how couples manage money.

Do you both put all your money in a joint account and both dip into it, or do you pay 50/50 for bills and buy other things with your own cash?

The reason I ask is me and my fiance earn very different amounts - he earns around 50k while I earn 20k. We pay 50/50 for bills, which means he has A LOT more money to spend on luxuries and leisure.

I know it's his money, but I'm wondering if married couples usually operate in this way? And what happens with SAHMs - do they get any money from their partners to buy things they need? Does their husband resent them?

OP posts:

Happygummibear · 07/05/2018 17:27

I set up a spreadsheet listing mine and dh ins and out to calculate what was left over.
Which included any personal credit cards, mobile contracts l, haircuts so things that are necessary.
Then did a list of the general household including an estimate for joint food/house products and food.

Then agreed a set amount of "own money" and worked out how much we could then put into jointly pay the household

E.g. me in 1000 out 300 = 700

DH in 1500 out 200 = 1300

Household out = 1500

Allowance for luxuries = 100 each

So i can pay in 600 to house. DH pays in 900 to make sure it's all covered.

This does mean DH had remaining money which he can then decide where it goes. If that's savings, a treat, paying off a debt etc.

For us this made it fair and equal

Will need to re calculate when I go back to work pt and have nursery fees

Happygummibear · 07/05/2018 17:29

To add we have 4 bank accounts

Personal each, one for house bills and one for food and petrol. Helps to not spend bill money on food and know how much we have left.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 07/05/2018 17:31

My DH earns 6 times as much as I do. All money is in one pot (except savings which are ALL in my name as I’m a non taxpayer) and we both spend what we need/want to spend although we generally mention it if it is a larger purchase.

When we were first together I earned slightly more than him, then he didn’t work for a few years, then after a while it was roughly even, then I became a SAHM for many years. All money has always just been shared. He is the one who keeps the accounts as he is really good at it and when we had very little he always made sure we covered all bills etc before letting me know if we had any left over for ‘fun’.

For us, I can’t imagine it being any other way but every couple is different.

Oldraver · 07/05/2018 17:31

OH earns more than twice the amount I do. Most household bills come out of my account (he moved in with me, so we just left things as they were). New outgoings come out of his account.

All other money is shared, though we have our own accounts

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 07/05/2018 17:31

Ever since we decided we were serious, dh and I have shared finances. There have been periods where I had the only job, periods where I was the highest earner and vice versa as I'm currently sahm and pregnant again whilst dh has a very well paid job.

We both have similar attitudes towards money though which I think helps and I do all the accounts/make sure bills are paid. In fact I'm not sure dh knows how much cash we have accessible at the moment.

Bluelady · 07/05/2018 17:32

We have separate finances, always have, always will. He pays council tax and utilities, I pay buildings and contents insurance and water rates. He buys most of the food. We pay our own car expenses. When we go away, one pays for the holiday, the other all the spending money. It works for us but I know MN frowns on there being no "family". As we have no dependent children, that's a bit of a non issue.

mindutopia · 07/05/2018 17:35

We both work full time (though I’m on mat leave at the moment) and we earn roughly similar amounts. I earn good professional salary and my dh is self employed so his income fluctuates a bit more (sometimes can be thousands more than I make in a month, other times it might be significantly less than me). We’ve always had separate accounts for no reason other than we’ve been too lazy to go set up a joint one and separate ones has worked so far. We probably pay roughly 50/50 of the bills and expenses, but not in a formal way. We each have our big expenses we pay each month and then we each pick up the smaller ones as needed. When one has a tighter month (like in January when his income is less or now when I’m on mat leave), the other one pays a bit more. No one really has more left over as if one of us gets low, the other just transfers some over. Same when there are sporadic expenses like school uniforms or new shoes for the dc. I tend to buy them, but my dh sends me an amount to cover whatever I need. So no one is left with loads at the end of the month while the other is in the red. We have separate accounts because it’s easier but really it’s joint money and we share it freely. I think that or paying a proportionate share is the only fair way to do it, especially if you have very different incomes.

Seniorcitizen1 · 07/05/2018 17:39

Joint accounts - current and savings - and all money is shared whoever brings ut home. Total trust

welshsoph · 07/05/2018 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nomad86 · 07/05/2018 17:40

Sahm but when I worked, everything got pooled and big purchases decided on jointly. DH has always earned significantly more than me but we've never done it any differently. That said, we live pretty modestly, no expensive hobbies or shopping trips so expenditure is pretty fair.

thegreylady · 07/05/2018 17:42

We are retired now but over the 30 years we have been together we have always had completely shared finances. In the beginning he earned more than me. Then he retired first and I earned more. Then I retired and he had a bigger pension. Then I had a part time job I was earning a little more, and now we both have just our pensions again.
He has a credit card which he uses only to buy presents for me. It is paid off from our joint account. He is hopeless with technology so I manage all the online banking and we are both happy with that.
It is a marriage partnership you see, we share.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2018 17:43

Once you have kids and one person is doing more childcare, is a totally different situation to pre-kids.
Pre-kids, I do think whether you share or not depends on your own personal circumstances. Eg if one person is working 80 hours a week in a stressful job, and the other is part-time non stressful, then no, I don't think it should be shared.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 07/05/2018 17:45

We did 50/50 when dating and engaged as only right as technically we were just boyfriend and girlfriend. We merged accounts upon marriage as it tied in with the joint mortgage.

I'd not have a joint account with anybody other than a spouse whereas DH wasn't bothered.

GreenStars · 07/05/2018 17:46

Paid into our own current accounts, we then move money around so all bills come out of joint accounts, both spend whatever we like even if that means using more than our 'share' that month and then whatever we want to save that month into joint savings accounts/ISAs/shares.

ladymarian · 07/05/2018 17:54

We've always had a joint account of some kind. Pre-kids and marriage when we lived together it was just for bills but since we got married everything has been joint. I have worked PT for 10 years and earn about a quarter of what DH does but everything is still joint. We've never had an issue with it because we trust each other and we are both pretty sensible with money so it works. I can honestly say that there have never been any issues. You will get a lot of different arrangements and opinions on here!

PlatypusPie · 07/05/2018 17:54

We each have current accounts, from before we were married, plus a joint one that deals with all family costs , household bills inc food. We have always paid into it proportionately - I was the bigger earner at first and paid much more , then I was a SAHM so paid nothing and took out what I needed, then part time and paying much less. I paid a large deposit on the house and paid for things like cars and big holidays etc from the sale of my flat so I have never felt as if I was contributing less overall. We have both had inheritances and other savings and those are held in our own names. We’ve always kept a running spreadsheet of finances so know what is going where.

RainbowsAndUnicorns23 · 07/05/2018 18:03

I am a SAHM, DP works full time. If i need money he just transfers me it or gives me his card.

princesskatethefirst · 07/05/2018 18:04

Just one pot, I earn £25k from a pension I took early DH £70k, we just spend what we need to, we would prob ask each other for anything over maybe £100 just to be polite but if I just went and bought clothes etc he doesn't mind. We do discuss each month though if we have any big payments etc such as holidays, house stuff and decide together a budget if we need to cut back to make allowances for it. DH hardly ever buy anything to be fair, I'm the spender
We don't have a great deal of savings but I near,y died a few years ago so it put it all in perspective for us so now we just enjoy life more than just saving and saving for nothing in particular as we both have pensions, DH's is considerably better than mine! I think it boils down to trust

blaaake · 07/05/2018 18:07

We have to bloody split everything, we own a business together but yes he also works full time as well and his wage goes into the joint account. Before I left my old job to work on the business I outearned him by a LOT and we still had this set up.

ConciseandNice · 07/05/2018 18:08

I earn 10x what my dh earns. My salary gets paid into our joint account out of which all our bills get paid apart from my life insurance to which I transfer money into another my account. I rarely check the account and consider my money to be equally his. He’s my husband. I also mentally though consider the bills my responsibility as I’m the main earner. That bit can do my head in and sometimes I’d like to quit and get a job in Starbucks.

coffeeforone · 07/05/2018 18:09

All in one pot, ever since we first moved in together 8 years ago, regardless of who was earning what. It makes finances so simple and straightforward.

KM99 · 07/05/2018 18:09

I earn 2/3rds of our total income. We have a joint account where we put enough money in for all our bills (me 2/3rds and him 1/3rd) and then each have our personal accounts with the rest.

50 50 doesn't work for us as would leave my OH in debt if we did that. Having said that when we bought a house he had a lot of savings for the deposit and I had zero so it all balances out.

Leedsbean · 07/05/2018 18:10

We both have our salary paid into the joint account and have our pocket money for the month transferred into our individual sole accounts to spend on what we want.

Joint account has all bills and we also have joint savings as well. Works really well for us as no resentment about one person having more than the other but may not work for others

Utrecht · 07/05/2018 18:11

DH and I have done different things at different times... before we started planning our kids, we had the same arrangement as you and your fiance, although there wasn't much difference between our earnings. The most important thing is to keep talking about it and be flexible - no arrangement is set in stone and you'll need different things at different times in your lives together.

Luxembourgmama · 07/05/2018 18:11

I think the fairest is to both pay a % of income so if earns £10k a month and you earn £1k then he pays £1000 toward the tend and you pay £100 and it's like that for all bills surely? Anything else is unfair

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