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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you share money in your relationship

181 replies

jajajaja4 · 07/05/2018 17:02

I am interested to hear how couples manage money.

Do you both put all your money in a joint account and both dip into it, or do you pay 50/50 for bills and buy other things with your own cash?

The reason I ask is me and my fiance earn very different amounts - he earns around 50k while I earn 20k. We pay 50/50 for bills, which means he has A LOT more money to spend on luxuries and leisure.

I know it's his money, but I'm wondering if married couples usually operate in this way? And what happens with SAHMs - do they get any money from their partners to buy things they need? Does their husband resent them?

OP posts:
speakout · 07/05/2018 21:24

All money shared.

I was a SAHM and earned nothing for years. We pool all our money.

speakout · 07/05/2018 21:25

Neither of us are frivolous spenders.

snackarella · 07/05/2018 21:38

Im a sahm so husband transfers me all the money he earns ( minus things needed for the business as he is self employed) i distribute money where it is needed and would discuss any large purchase

flumpybear · 07/05/2018 21:50

Me and DH split is sort of ratio wise similar to you, I earn triple what he earns, he puts around 1k in our joint account which gives him money for his own bills and fuel etc ... I take the lions share of spending on food and holidays etc so it evens up on the spare money we have ... separate savings too

TooTrueToBeGood · 07/05/2018 21:58

No joint account here. I earn substantially more than my wife so i pay all the bills and then transfer money to her so we have the same disposable/discretionary spending money. Any bonuses i get are split 1/3 each and a 1/3 to the savings account. She has full visibilty of pay slips, account statements etc. Just one way of doing it.

MerryDeath · 07/05/2018 22:00

when we had a baby we started pooling all money and continue to do so - makes sense as that is the point at which i started making financial sacrifices. before that we paid slightly unequal shares but not by much.

QueenofmyPrinces · 07/05/2018 22:03

Me and DH set up a joint account when we got married and both our salaries get paid into it.

£400 gets debited into my personal account and £400 gets debited into his personal account.

Every household and child related expenditure comes out of our joint account, as does petrol costs and mobile phone costs.

My husband brings home about £1000 a month more than I do but everything is still all put in one pot as we see our incomes as joint money.

w12newmum · 07/05/2018 22:08

One pot since fairly early on because he moved for my job and I earnt a lot more and then later he has supported me while I changed careers. We are lucky to have similar attitudes to money and neither big spenders. I know some couples are happy with 50/50 bills or other arrangements but it seems like a faff to be worrying about that stuff when you are a team. And no idea how you would make it ‘fair’ if you have a baby or someone gets sick.

corythatwas · 07/05/2018 22:17

For the first decade or two of our marriage I wasn't earning much so we had a joint account. Now we have separate accounts but that's a purely practical thing: we still regard it as jointly owned. By now, we're so used to what needs buying that it's easy to ensure that both spend a proportionate amount. Neither of us would want the other person to have a less good life than they have themselves.

Matilda15 · 07/05/2018 22:18

We have a joint account for household bills and food and while we now earn roughly the same when I earned more we paid the same percentage of our salaries in each month.

We then have our own money for cars, petrol, hobbies etc. I also get bonuses and DP gets overtime and does private work and this income is our own although when it’s a big chunk of extra it’s an unwritten rule we do something nice for the family out of it like a day out or weekend away then the rest is considered our own.

Ginseng1 · 07/05/2018 22:25

When we married or knew we were gonna get married all in one account everything is ours. There's no yours or mine. Currently he earns bit more but I've taken a year mat leave with each child (3) over the years n am 3 day week. I am one of those who doesn't get the separate finance when married with kids thing! I know friends of in laws married 40plus yrs who are still I owe u this n u owe me that. Don't get it at all.

UserV · 07/05/2018 22:48

I think if your partner was earning £100K a year and you were earning £60K a year, and he had £600 a week left after bills and you had £400 a week left after bills, that would be ok, as you both have shitloads left over. (This is just an example....)

However, if, (and I suspect this is the case with YOU @jajajaja4,) one partner has lots of money left over and the other has nothing, then something is very wrong. Married or not, if you are a couple who is serious enough to live together, one of you shouldn't have fuckloads of money for pleasure and leisure, while the other has shag-all. There should be more sharing.

This puts me in mind of Mick Jaggers partner of 12 years (L'Ren Scott) who commit suicide several years ago because she was several million pounds in debt. Mick is a multi millionaire. Why the fuck did he not help her? Confused

I just don't get how you can claim to love someone when you let them live in penury, and struggle with escalating debts, while you have loads of surplus cash.

So yeah, no matter who earns what, all money should go into a shared pot. Just because one earns much more than the other, that doesn't mean they should keep it all and not share it.

nokidshere · 07/05/2018 22:54

We have one account.

Salary goes in on 28th all bills go out on 1st.

What's left we spend.

FASH84 · 07/05/2018 23:03

We have a joint account and a joint savings account, we both have our own current and savings accounts too. I earn quite a bit more than DH , not to the same ratios as your situation. We do both put the same amount into the joint account every month to cover all bills, mortgage and house expenses. He pays his car bills/fuel and mobile, I pay mine (they are pretty much identical costs anyway) after all this DH is left with £500 a month spends, he sometimes has overtime etc and saves around £200 a month in his savings account. I keep £500 a month of my money as my spends and put everything else I earn in my savings account (usually between £600-£1200 a month as my earnings can fluctuate a bit and I have had some car trouble recently) . However it was my savings that paid a larger proportion of our house deposit, and for most of our wedding. I've just paid for our next holiday out of it too, so whilst it's in my account it mainly goes on joint things, when we go out sometimes I pay sometimes he does, sometimes we have a treat from the joint account. The money we save from the joint account tends to go on house stuff, new lawnmower, unexpected bill etc, decorating, furniture and so on. DH says he has the money in his savings account to cover our next holiday spending money, as I paid for the trip and hire car. It means we have financial independence but neither of us is worse off in terms of spending money a month. It means I don't gasp at his comic book bill (yes I know he's 34) and he isn't shocked by the amount I can spend on a particular brand of handmade perspex jewellery. It works for us, we don't have children yet and have discussed how we might have to review the situation when/if that happens.

FASH84 · 07/05/2018 23:04

Oh and the only debt we have is our mortgage

FranticallyPeaceful · 07/05/2018 23:05

All goes into the same pot and we just spend/save whatever is in there.

OH earns way more than me but he didn’t always

Tinkerbell89 · 07/05/2018 23:08

We started with paying by % of earnings. So if one of us earnt more they paid more of the bills so the other wasn't out of pocket. Now we have DC all money goes in one pot to pay everything and we each get the same amount each month for our own spending. Works well for us.

OreoMini · 07/05/2018 23:13

Partner pays about 3/4 of joint account money. I pay 1/4.

Anything left in our own account is ours to do as we wish.

But I work part time as we have kids.

blibblibs · 07/05/2018 23:14

As soon as we started living together it all went in the same account and we paid the bills and bought what we needed/wanted.
Now, 15 years on, it's slightly different in that DH wages go in one account and pay for monthly bills and day to day living and mine (much less) go into the savings/fun account, so holidays, big days out etc.

HeebieJeebies456 · 08/05/2018 00:13

he earns around 50k while I earn 20k. We pay 50/50 for bills, which means he has A LOT more money to spend on luxuries and leisure.

With such a huge difference - why aren't you paying proportionally according to your income?
That way YOU would have more left over for spends and saving.....or do you want to be at a financial disadvantage for now and forever?

Moreisnnogedag · 08/05/2018 12:10

You marry a person because you love them, care for them, want the best for them,..... but bugger me will i pay for them.

Wow. I'm not paying for my DH, he's an equal partner and I can't imagine a relationship where I give him an allowance whilst I swan about with extra money. It's pretty off to my mind. And he works just as hard as me, he just doesn't get paid for it (SAHP).

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 08/05/2018 12:15

My DH used to earn much more than me, and he covered almost all of our bills then. Now we earn similar amounts and we split most things. We have separate accounts but totally share money - we don't keep track of who pays for what, and if one of us runs short before the end of the month because we have paid for more, the other sends money to make up the shortfall. We don't have any rules, we just see all money as shared money.

IMO splitting bills 50/50 when you earn very different amounts is totally unfair. Perhaps this can be remedied by ensuring all bills stay at a level that is comfortable for the lower earner and still leaves them money for the odd luxury, but even then I think it's mean.

mummyof2boys30 · 08/05/2018 12:55

Dh main earner, i only work pt. All money into 1 account that i ultimately have control over. We spend whatever we want tho we live a very simple life lol. Big purchases would be saved for but other than that we both just work away

Noboozeforme · 08/05/2018 13:09

I understand the importance of shared money when a couple are married (or not) and have children together.

Just wondering what people would do (when divorced/ separated) and you move onto another relationship and you have children but new partner doesn't?

This is not my situation but I was just wondering.

Stellarbella · 08/05/2018 13:15

I earn 3 x more than DH. We keep separate accounts, but have a joint account for the mortgage and council tax, to which we each contribute the same amount of money every month. Other than that, we pay for things separately. DS1 is due in September and we will continue this arrangement when I am on mat leave, as I have savings which will allow me to continue paying my share. However, when DH takes over caring for DS1 at 12 weeks (on SPL) I suspect I will have to cover his share of the mortgage and his subsistance during that period, as he doesn't have savings. Then we will revert back to the same system after he is back at work. It seems to work for us - we never argue about money.