should I shave?

[TotHappy]

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

Why would it feel gross on your period?

I'd assume if you used sanitary towels there is a chance blood would get caught in the hair.

I could never imagine not shaving my arm pits when they start to get hairy! I shave my legs and vagina once a week and I always feel better for doing it. I'm not doing it for no one else but me. Shaving your armpits literally takes a minute to do no excuse.

I’ve never had that issue Blunt - modern sanitary towels seem to disappear the blood with the suction force of a whirlpool...

Although I don’t use them any more because Mooncups are The Bomb.

Applauds Lana loudly

I would imagine, @Popc0rn, that women choose to shave before an appointment with you, due to wanting to avoid any additional embarrassment/shame that would come from being judged by HCPs as unfeminine or unhygienic. Whether that judgement is real as in your case, or imagined.

When my DS2 arrived by very unexpected EMCS I was 37 weeks pregnant and didn't give a toss about hair removal (I barely care about it anyway). The HCPs that did my c section and subsequent care were no doubt horrified by my abundant body hair and full bush. Tough luck for them!

Ok Lana.

But what is all your anger achieving? It feels extreme. Has someone hurt you?

I don't really understand. I mean that genuinely. Why are you shaving your head? Is that due to medical issuesor to prove a point to society? Because there are plenty of women with shaved heads who look stunningly beautiful. And incredibly feminine.

You shave your head, LanaKane? Is that for hygiene reasons or porn?

Phil it’s so her head doesn’t look scruffy, OBVS.

I can’t speak for Lana. But I am angry because of all the bullshit women are socially conditioned to take on board, and the fact that they are expected to make their bodies conform to a pornographic sensibility.

I shave my legs the rare times I wear shorts and shave my armpits when warm weather dictates I might take of my jacket at work. I am annoyed that I feel like I have to do this because of social norms.

What really irritates me is when people see my hairy legs and react like it's dirty . There's nothing unhygienic about hairy legs!

In your situation I would make ask when does he intend to start shaving his face everyday to make it fair.

Blunt the anger of women is what got us the vote, and what keeps our fight for rights going.

@sugaraddedlater

Shaving your armpits literally takes a minute to do no excuse.

I don't need an excuse to not shave my armpits. It doesn't cost me a thought 😉

Lana, I like you muchly

I shave my head cos I like how it looks and feels. That's it.

I extend the same attitude to women who choose to shave whatever they want, but don't judge others for doing differently.
What others do with their bodies is none of my business.

But when you have women shaming other women for being "gross" for not conforming to social standards.
When you have women spouting absolute bollocks that body hair (which ironically is actually there for hygiene reasons) on women is dirty and unhygienic.
When you have women spending time and money, worrying, stressing and comparing themselves to photoshopped, instagram images.

Then yeah I'm having an extreme reaction.

It's fucking horrible reading the comments here.

Women policing each others bodies.

Women saying that another woman who doesn't conform basically is asking for her OH to cheat.

That is fucked up and I don't care how extreme people think that opinion is. (hint....it's not)

The comments about not shaving being unhygienic make me want to cry a little...,because it's he same type of comment that's,made about FGM. It's 'dirty', 'gross', 'good' girls have it done... No shaving is not damaging like,FGM obviously. But it's not necessary either. And it is a pain in the ass. It's taken me 10 minutes to do legs and underarms, not seconds (that's,what,happens,when it gets,so long!) but even if it was,seconds, I dont need an 'excuse' not to do it do I?

Thanks for all the nice comments btw

The older I get the more fucked off I get with the whole expectation of "femininity" placed on women.

Why the fuck does not shaving my legs, or not painting my nails, or not wearing high heels, make me less of a woman??

Why the fuck is my worth measured by how sexually desirable I am within a narrow, oppressive societal framework??

Why can women not be attractive for their minds, their attitude, their being a decent human being??

No Tot you don't need an excuse.

"I don't want to waste time and money removing hair to please a bunch of narrow minded idiots" is a perfectly good reason.

Jesus op, I cannot believe you’ve brought FGM into this.

I couldn’t imagine not being hairfree on my legs, underarms and vag. Maybe your husband doesn’t fancy sex as he doesn’t find the lack of hygiene attractive. How could you feel sexy when hairy? Iv had complete body laser hair removal but even prior to that I shaved daily and always had a Hollywood wax.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I feel sorry for you, to be so unhappy with your own body, that you have to make so many societal-driven changes to feel even acceptable.

(1) hair is not unhygienic. I presume you actually wash occasionally?

(2) I would see your doctor if you have vaginal hair. The vast majority of women have hair on their mons veneris and the outside of the labia majora.

(3) I have no problem feeling and being sexy with hair. Luckily, the number of men who have found me sexy enough to sleep with have been adult enough to realise that women have hair too. I only shave my oxters when I feel that the hair is interfering with deodorant effectiveness and trim my pubes when I feel too hot and sticky there. I wash regularly so am not in the least unhygienic.

Op, Lana, yes, exactly.

For the record I'm someone who shaves pits but that's my choice, when single or partnered.

No one sees my legs, I don't ever wear dresses or skirts.

PP mentions women being shaved for childbirth in the 70s? I didn't know.

sugaraddled ‘no excuse’

Why on earth do you think other people need to justify their depilation choices to you?

Hair removal is time consuming, expensive and faffy. I would probably prefer not to do it at all, but I do shave my armpits, and in the summer, legs too. Largely because of societal expectations. It pisses me off that I don’t feel strong enough to push against it. Have also done pubes in the past but the regrowth was absolutely horrendous.

DH and I have known each other since schooldays. I was certainly a lot better groomed in my late teens than I am now, and so was he. We also had completely different bodies then! I had big perky boobs; now I have a pair of empty wind socks. DH had a six pack; now he has a little pot belly. We both have wrinkles. I have a chin hair; he has wild eyebrows and nose hair 😂

So we look quite different to how we did back then. And that’s cool ‘cause we both knew we weren’t always going to look like that. Like another poster said, I do wonder how higher-maintenance people will cope with old age!

A huge part of the attraction between my OH and I has always been about the ‘vibe’. We find each other very funny. We enjoy a dance and a drink together. Those are the sorts of things that are most likely to make us end up in the sack. Body hair doesn’t come into the equation at all.

Why the fuck does not shaving my legs, or not painting my nails, or not wearing high heels, make me less of a woman??

It doesn’t, but many women don’t have long hair, wear high heels or shave their legs every day. Most of them aren’t half as angry as you either, if you want to live your life ‘making a point’, that’s your perogative, but it must be exhausting being so angry all the time.

Has anyone ever told a man he's unhygienic for not shaving body hair?

Aaah, what to say here?

Firstly OP: your body, your choice. That's the simple bit.

The fact that your DH may not like your choice is harder to deal with. Put simply, he has a preference and it differs from yours. I really don't know how you'd go about resolving that issue. Should you have to shave? No. Should he have to like you hairy? No. Sorry for the splinters in my arse from sitting on the proverbial fence

Moving onto the mud slinging about the right style for one's armpits and bikini line, well ....... there isn't one. It's purely a preference, surely?

I'm single and shave everything, including my head, because I like the feel of my body when I do so Any ideas that I'm doing so for the benefit of anyone else, especially a man, is just cock custard. Try it if you don't believe me: shave your head and see how many admirers you suddenly haven't got. It's a real issue with men. They don't like it (in general). But I do. And that's it