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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I shave?

632 replies

TotHappy · 07/05/2018 14:33

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was Confused as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a Hmm and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
Hakarl · 09/05/2018 17:09

I'm just pathetically relieved there are actually other people out there that properly understand that women's perceptions of what is good, clean, normal, attractive etc. are massively influenced by companies that want to make money out of those perceptions.

One of the most depressing things I've ever seen in a shop is the 'vaginal hygiene' area of my local chemist's. So many bullshit products to help women keep their dirty, disgusting vaginas fresh, pink and acceptable. Makes you want to actually weep.

Grandmaswagsbag · 09/05/2018 17:10

Definitely pitch the eye ball thing. I’m amazed no ones come up with that before!

MillicentF · 09/05/2018 17:17

Make sure when you pitch the eyeball thing that you emphasise that it's women's eyeballs that are the problem......

JaneyEJones · 09/05/2018 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 18:08

Upstart Crow there was a thread on here a few years ago where a "D" H asked the OP (who had had a mastectomy) to wear a baby doll nightie during sex because her missing breast and scar was putting him off.

Maybe some women dont do all that is expected BECAUSE THEY CANT AFFORD TO. I have a lip and chin wax every 4 weeks and my roots done every six weeks. Because these parts of me are on show . At my last lip and chin wax i had my underarms done for the first time in ages. I dont like shaving.

I dont mind a bit of a hairy back on a bloke. ( My ex was and i was very turned on by him and he me. Its called sexual chemistry Sometimes i used to get a wax and sometimes i didnt It did not make any difference to the fact that we wanted to rip each others clothes off as soon as we saw each other.) In fact i quite like it, Its manly. I like a man to look like an adult human male. Sadly this is not reciprocated in a lot of cases. But for me in this case it was.

balsamicbarbara · 09/05/2018 18:13

Tesco actually does do a range of eyeball cleaning products in varieties like "comforting" and "energising" etc. Fragrance perhaps not so useful there.

SmileEachDay · 09/05/2018 18:17

Morphene

The reaction to you saying “yes, I’ve had comments” is fascinating. Rather than accept and discuss your experience there is a level of disbelief in the responses. A dismissal. Because I guess to accept it you’d need to at least consider the existence of societal pressure as a thing.

Also, are you a teacher? I find a sarcastic eyebrow to be my most effective behaviour management strategy Grin

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 18:56

And i bet that if any shavers posted on here that they were on UC and asked about how to budget to be able to afford unwanted hair removal they would be told by at least half the other shavers on here that how dare they fritter taxpayers money away on a luxury!!!!!!!!!!

Morphene · 09/05/2018 19:36

smile I'm a university lecturer...and yes the eyebrow is crucial most days.

janey I don't spend time looking at people's leg hair. I just know it is visible if you look for it. Someone doesn't have to get 'really close', as you put it, to stare at your leg hair, they can do it comfortably (for them) in many commonly encountered situations.

You have somehow managed to turn my actual story which was 'someone in a supermarket queue once stared at my legs until I asked him if I could help him in some way' into your own little mini series that somehow involves me letting people inside my personal space in order to specifically stare at my legs, and then me being so traumatised by this experience I've been spending my life checking out leg hair everywhere I go ever since.

I mean whatever floats your boat...but you need to realise absolutely none of this is happening anywhere but your own febrile imagination.

Morphene · 09/05/2018 19:41

balsamic see they are missing two tricks there...they should sell something irritates eyes and then something else that fixes it....

Morphene · 09/05/2018 19:43

helena that is really very sad....and yes expense can certainly be an issue for some women. It must be really shit to be judged as dirty/lazy when actually you can't afford it, especially as both designations are entirely unjustified in the first place.

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2018 19:54

I honestly believe that if you can’t see that, it’s because you’ve been completely conditioned to accept it

Really? Or maybe more likely to not give a shit what random strangers may or may not think?

SmileEachDay · 09/05/2018 20:03

Really? Or maybe more likely to not give a shit what random strangers may or may not think?

That would be seeing societal pressure for what it is and reflecting it.
That’s not the same.

SmileEachDay · 09/05/2018 20:04

*rejecting

Morphene · 09/05/2018 20:08

bluntness have you considered that you might actually be a sociopath? I mean many sociopaths live perfectly reasonable peaceful lives doing no harm to anyone. If you are genuinely entirely immune to peer pressure and never ever care what others think of you then its a possibility. It certainly isn't entirely NT to genuinely have no care whatsoever for others opinions of you.

bringincrazyback · 09/05/2018 20:09

I'd leave the pubic area alone but its not hygienic imo, especially in summer.

Um... the hair's there for a reason, yanno?

Morphene · 09/05/2018 20:09

I mean if I trip and fall over in the street I feel embarrassed, even though the only witnesses will be people I don't know and will never see again. Do you feel embarrassment in front of strangers ever blunt?

Morphene · 09/05/2018 20:16

hmmm actually blunt i totally retract that and apologise...looking at the definition of sociopath it isnt at all what I thought. You've not written anything at all to suggest you lack a conscience or will do whatever benefits you regardless of the effect on others.

Sociopathy seems to more about lacking empathy, than lacking societal boundaries.

So what is the disorder associated with not understanding/noticing or being influenced by your societies unwritten rules then? I'm sure there is one....

SmileEachDay · 09/05/2018 20:17

Psychopathy?

JaneyEJones · 09/05/2018 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vashna · 09/05/2018 20:36

Of course women are conditioned to spend what is probably years of their lives undertaking self-grooming habits which are so internalised they don't even realise they're doing it. I had a boyfriend (fortunately a brief one) in my teens who told me women should not have any hair whatsoever below their eyebrows. Some years later I did have it all lasered away and I admit I've been known to tell people it's one of the best things I ever did - because it saves so much time.

It's impossible to deconstruct what is personal choice to what is social conditioning on this kind of issue. My DH has never known me with body hair. I would also say that the trend to be hairless has also filtered to men these days - you rarely see a guy under 30 with a hairy chest. Personally, I prefer some hair in men's chests as long as they're not too mammoth. I think it looks ridiculous to have a designer stubble and then a hairless chest. Men with no underarm hair would be a huge turn-off for me, but I think this is getting to be the norm now?

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 20:37

There was a woman who filmed herself in New York walking along the street a while ago to show how many times she got sexist comments shouted at her.

i think it would be great if someone did this with full on hairy legs on show it would be a real eye opener.............and harder to deny.

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 20:39

DHs hairy chest is.....................one hair two inches below one nipple.................thats it. and he doesnt shave or wax it he would be pissing himself laughing at the very idea.

biscuitaddict · 09/05/2018 20:42

Obviously you can do what you like with your body hair. Just feels like you're 'not caring' might be extending to not caring about how your OH is feeling too? Perhaps it's less about the hair, more about the attitude?

SmileEachDay · 09/05/2018 20:48

Great idea Helena

It would be interesting for a woman to post a picture of their own hairy leg or armpit on here - see the comments roll in.

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