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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I shave?

632 replies

TotHappy · 07/05/2018 14:33

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was Confused as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a Hmm and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
sadiekate · 09/05/2018 01:22

Do men seek their partners' approval over what to do with their bodies? No. I may have an opinion, but I don't expect it to influence how a man looks and I wouldn't expect him to think that his opinion could influence me. You are both individuals.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/05/2018 01:27

Of course men do.
Pretty much every male partner that I know will ask their wives/gf about beard length, hair cuts etc before going through with it.

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 01:30

Well my husband doesnt Umbongo He shaved his whole head and his beard off yesterday on a zero setting.

I couldnt care less whether he looks like this or is sporting a full ZZTop

We dont ask each other that sort of thing at all Confused

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/05/2018 01:32

Fair enough. Where I live that would make you very unusual though.

My husband is free to grow a beard if we wanted to. On the understanding that I would never kiss him.

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 01:33

I care more about whether his prescriptions are up to date Some of us have less shallow priorities.

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 01:34

"Where I live that would make you very unusual though"

Oh what a shame Its always been my absolute dream to be a clone of somebody else Hmm

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/05/2018 01:37

It’s not shallow to want to be physically attracted to the person you have sex with.

HollyWoods8224 · 09/05/2018 01:39

My partner grows a good beard, but i like it when its more manicured. I suggested to him that he shape it a little more and he didn't mind the manicured look but struggled to achieve it.
Now its become a semi romantic (low standards of romance lol) this for him to ask me to tidy it up and i generally get free reign on what to do.

Equally me partner has commented that u used to wax and now don't, I don't have a preference and he certainly doesn't turn away from a little nookie over it. I said I struggle with the routine of it all and prioritize other things. He now books it all in and pays as a bit of a gift.

We've found a real balance in taking care of each others grooming... which sounds weird now that put it out there!

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 01:42

Funny.................i dont remember anything about hair in the wedding vows.

If someone is put off by a bit of hair thats just pathetic.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/05/2018 01:44

In your opinion.

I hate hair. It repulses me. My husband knows that. He would be more a twat to ignore that.

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 01:47

This is what the OP wrote in her opening post.

"He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste"

I suspect this is more about control.

Morphene · 09/05/2018 02:10

I kinda feel sorry for anyone in a relationship where the attraction level is so borderline that a change in shaving routine could threaten it. I mean that's mad isn't it?

What are you all going to do when you get old? Or have an accident that changes your physical appearance?

Anyone violently repulsed by normal hair, has an issue they should probably be trying to deal with.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 09/05/2018 02:19

It wouldn’t threaten my relationship Hmm

I just wouldn’t snog him with a beard, or go down on him with a bush.

I see him in some awful physical states, I still love him.

And it’s not one sided, he feels the same regarding my appearance too.

SapphireSeptember · 09/05/2018 02:23

@BusterGonad I get face fuzz, I do shave that off because seeing it when I look in the mirror annoys me, and other people can see it too. It's something I always notice when talking to other women. (Although apparently a lady should never take a razor to her face, good thing I'm not a lady!) Don't fancy waxing though, ouch! My eyebrows run free and wild, although I'm lucky enough to have nice eyebrows without needing to do anything to them.

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 02:23

Well that just means you are perfect for each other. So you will never have conflict between you about this issue.

JaneyEJones · 09/05/2018 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillicentF · 09/05/2018 07:23

Janey-do you never think about why you do things? Why we do things? Do you encourage your children to analyse behaviour-to think about their and others motivations?

Juells · 09/05/2018 07:26

Why on earth is it feminist to wonder at the 'hair' thing? TBH, if I knew someone who had such an extreme reaction to bodily hair as to be 'repulsed' I'd consider it a mental problem.

Grandmaswagsbag · 09/05/2018 07:32

I’m really staggered that some women will profess that the desire to rip all their body hair out is purely based on personal preference and nothing to do with societal pressure. If it were purely personal preference for ‘smooth’ skin then equal numbers of men and women would engage in this habit which not unbelievably is painful and time consuming for many (guess what I shave too, like most women, beacause I know it’s seen as a bit abnormal to have hairy pits and legs). I’ve never met a man who removes all his body hair yet it’s now seen as the complete norm for women. The OP clearly states she’s not happy with shaving her vagina as she doesn’t like the feel, yet there are some people here, in 2018, who would back up the stance that it’s reasonable for her husband to make a fuss about some body hair, which from her op suggests she’s actually never shaved militantly in the whole time they’ve been together. Honestly, like others have said if a grown man would turn down a shag based on that I don’t know what sort of world we live in. I’d probably rather just live in a sexless marriage than have grooming conditions placed on whether my body is deemed standard enough for my husband to enjoy. Both me and my DH have been through some pretty bad ‘looks’ in the time we’ve been together, sometimes of our own making and sometimes just because of life, but it’s never made either of us not want to have sex with the other.

Grandmaswagsbag · 09/05/2018 07:36

Janey clearly it is bad of some women are feeling that they have to do things to their bodies that actually they don’t like? That’s what I would call bad. It’s funny that ‘trends’ only ever seem to apply to women bodies isn’t it?

PerfectlyDone · 09/05/2018 07:39

Whether pondering things like this is feminist or not, it certainly requires critical thinking skills, and how on earth can that be a bad thing?!

I struggle to convey quite how little I care what anybody else, man, women, animal mineral or vegetable, does to their body hair, but asking why?? should never be shot down in flames.

Honestly, use your brains. And then do whatever you want with your its-bitsy hairs GrinBrew

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2018 07:49

Sigh with the feminist crap. Seriously. You can shave or not as per your personal preference. If you're living your life looking for the approval of strangers then that's sad and you need to think about why,

As for why women remove body hair, Becayse we prefer it. We like th smoothie feeling. We like the aesthetics. Plenty of people have stated why they do it. Very few have said just for a partner. Yes some insecure people do it for thr apptoval of randoms, but mainly women do it because they want to and like it.

The non shavers really need to get their heads round that. It's the exact same on the make up threads. Screeching about women doing it because society expects it and not listening to women saying I do it because I like it and want to. It's ridiculous.

And not listening tells us one thing. You just want to bang a drum. You don't really give a fuck why women do it when the reason they do it doesnt fi with your agenda.

So give it up.

PerfectlyDone · 09/05/2018 07:53
MillicentF · 09/05/2018 07:56

"As for why women remove body hair, Becayse we prefer it. We like th smoothie feeling. We like the aesthetics. Plenty of people have stated why they do it"
Actually very few people have said that's why they do it. And I don't think anyone has said they think it's sexy. Most "shavers" have talked about cleanliness, hygiene or how "gross" pubic hair is..........

JaneyEJones · 09/05/2018 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.