Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I shave?

632 replies

TotHappy · 07/05/2018 14:33

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was Confused as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a Hmm and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
sherlockmerlock · 08/05/2018 22:44

I would shave. I hate the feel of hair on my own legs and underarms, and I also feel that the deodorant doesn't get applied to the skin so well if there's hair in the way. Your husband doesn't seem like he's trying to control your choices but he's probably saying something more like the fact that not shaving = not caring. In a way because it is an effort to shave, you don't want to put that effort in, so you don't care. He's probably more hurt that you're not spending time investing in the relationship rather than your shaving choice. Having a kid does make you give up some luxuries but I would try my best to get back to how I used to be pre baby.

On the other hand if you decide you don't want to shave, speak to him about it. I tell my DP I like certain cologne and to not wear the one that brings on my pregnancy sickness again. He in turn likes when I wear make up on a special day and often asks but as a relationship is a give and take, you both need to communicate to get your views across

HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 22:46

NO SHIT SHERLOCK RTFT

MillicentF · 08/05/2018 22:46

"I don’t get the angst against the nurse. Surely as long as she doesn’t actually voice that opinion to the patient she’s still allowed to have that opinion?"
But she should think about the impact expressing that opinion on a public forum might have on someone less robust as confident than Bluntness..

HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 22:47

He withdrew from sex first

Grandmaswagsbag · 08/05/2018 22:51

Yes, it absolutely doesn't matter why women do or don't. No need for explanations. We are all free to do as we choose.

That’s just stupid. If we never examine why we do things bad stuff in society would never be addressed and changed. Completely non sensical pressure to carry out expensive,painful and time consuming regimes to look a certain way is a good example of something that probably needs addressing actually Grin

Popc0rn · 08/05/2018 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 08/05/2018 22:55

So your words were twisted to fit the agenda? Shock!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2018 22:55

Ah well, some of us don't have brains, Grandma, being like the porn-mad 15 year old boys you allude to. That was lovely to read.

It's nonsensical and ignorant statements like that that bring conversations to a close because there's nothing there to educate and no will to do it. So well done you.

sherlockmerlock · 08/05/2018 22:55

@HelenaDove Confused if that was to me then my answer is no - I'm not reading the full thread. My response was not for you, it was for the OP. Seems like you have a bee in your bonnet and are arguing with everyone and anyone on this thread.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2018 22:58

I'm not particularly robust or confident, but I do not live my life doing things or behaving a certain way because I'm scared some random might judge me negatively.

I wear or don't wear make up, I dress as I please, I shave or don't, it's quite frankly no ones business of I shave or don't , and I do what I think is right and what makes me and mine happy.

If you're at the stage where you actually do things because you're scared of some stranger who might judge you negatively then the problem is with you and only you can fix it.

And that's important. Saying well I do x y and z and it makes me very unhappy but I'm very scared someone might judge negatively if I don't, then the issue lies not with the pretend judger it's with you. And you need to get help. That's no way to live.

And getting all stressy about one HCP. Cmon. That's taking it to extremes, if her opinion worries you so much, then yes, you need to seek help to deal with your anxieties. She is not the problem. You are.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/05/2018 23:00

As I said, you seem to lack the ability to empathise with other people who aren't like you.

Grandmaswagsbag · 08/05/2018 23:10

I don’t care if other women shave, I do care that they pretend that there’s not a shit load of issues surrounding it about the pressure on women to look a certain way but not men. FFS, stop deluding yourselves. I’m happy to admit I do stuff that I otherwise wouldn’t (such as wearing makeup) if it wasn’t the norm to look a certain way. I guess I’m ‘letting the side down’ too.

Grandmaswagsbag · 08/05/2018 23:12

Popc0rns words were not twisted. Gross, unattractive, and gross again for good measure.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2018 23:14

Well that 'lack of empathy' door is most definitely swinging both ways...

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/05/2018 23:20

Do you think so, Lying? What do you think people aren't empathizing with?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2018 23:35

I do, Assassinated. Women 'like me', ie. the hair-removers have been told that we aspire to child-like bodies, that as an adult woman I have a similar mind to an immature 15 year old porn-mad boy, by the same obnoxious poster - that my grooming is a series of "... expensive, painful and time consuming regimes to look a certain way is a good example of something that probably needs addressing".

I could look for other examples in this long thread but that's enough to be going on with and I'm supposed to be doing my expenses.

Suffice to say that this thread is the usual 'them and us' and leaves me cold. I loath being told that I'm x and y because I do z. I've insulted nobody, been careful not to use hurtful language. I'm very interested in women's rights but I'm not much bothered about feminism, the term has been plundered and misappropriated. I don't much care, the world will keep turning regardless and I'll carry on doing what I choose with my body.

Grandmaswagsbag · 08/05/2018 23:45

I said referring to pubic hair as ‘gross’ is the sort of attitude I’d expect from a 15 year old boy, not an adult woman. Don’t worry, I think we can tell you’re not too bothered about feminism.

Original poster
TotHappy · 09/05/2018 00:14

This thread's not going to get taken down due to rising tensions is it? I'm not trying to shut down debate at all, but I would like to be able to look over some replies again.

And thanks Popc0rn. I know most women in their thirties shave pits and legs (those in my peer group anyway), was wondering about other age groups and how much this is generational.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/05/2018 00:19

No reason for it to be taken down that I can see, TotHappy.

Petitepamplemousse · 09/05/2018 00:21

Do what you like. But shaving is relatively minimal effort and would make your DP happy. I would do it. But he should ask nicely, not make passive aggressive comments.

Petitepamplemousse · 09/05/2018 00:22

Oh and I AM a feminist. But I’d shave to please my partner. And if I didn’t like for example his beard I’d ask him to shave for me.

HelenaDove · 09/05/2018 00:41

"but i can see why your husband finds it unattractive"

Semantics Popcorn Semantics.

AssassinatedBeauty · 09/05/2018 00:57

Ah ok, Lying, I was wondering if you meant me or any other poster specifically but I see you mean on aggregate. As it happens, I've said none of those things.

I do think that it's worth thinking about why some women (not you) might find themselves doing expensive, time consuming and painful/irritating regimes in order to feel like they're fitting in to what is expected. I think it's worth thinking about what messages we send young people about their bodies. None of that is about any one specific person though.

CollyWombles · 09/05/2018 01:14

Your body, your hair, your choice. Your DH doesn't have to like it and that's fine too.

I shave underarms religiously because I hate my own BO, love DH hairy armpits and even his BO though!

Can't be bothered shaving my legs much, I do them maybe once a week. DH would like me to do them more but if I shave them daily, my legs get sore, covered in red dots and ingrowing hairs.

The vag gets unruly sometimes, other times it is trimmed and once in a blue moon it's all off. I hate that though, so itchy when it starts growing back.

I firmly believe that a woman has no obligation to shave and shouldn't be pressured or guilt tripped into shaving either. Your DH has every right to prefer shaved armpits, legs and vag, he does not have the right to make you feel rubbish if you choose not to.

Grasslands · 09/05/2018 01:21

older age groups and generational; i'm 60 and my body hair is thin, sparse and grows slowly.
as mentioned several pages back, i shave my underarms and legs once a week whether they need it or not.
i had electrolysis to the sides of my pubic region so i could wear a bathing suit without the hair going down my thighs.
dh shaves daily.