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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I shave?

632 replies

TotHappy · 07/05/2018 14:33

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was Confused as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a Hmm and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 21:09

"Really the folks scared someone will judge them really need to get a grip"

There is an HCP on this very thread judging women who dont shave.

So her patients should get a grip?

Original poster
TotHappy · 08/05/2018 21:16

@Lying again yes, I think you're right - we shouldn't care. I've responded in some posts to the more general debate going n in this thread, but I haven't felt personally attacked because it doesn't bother me anymore what other people who don't love me think about me. I cared more when I was younger. But my original op was because I felt hurt that my husband, who's my safe person, who I should be able to trust, was saying that he couldn't accept me as I am. Of course, as lots of posters have pointed out, there's an easy fix - I can just shave. But that wont mitigate the hurt that comes from the idea that I have to do that to be acceptable to him. I don't care if I'm acceptable to other people.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2018 21:16

TotHappy, I came onto the thread fairly late on and, if I'd been on it sooner, I would have picked up those posts as being insulting, because they are. There's absolutely no need for it.

When I was reading your post I picked up on the apathy but also the anger behind it. I was thinking what I would do if I were in your position. It would depend on the way I felt about my husband, whether I wanted to resume a sex life with him or whether I wouldn't - with or without hair. He doesn't sound very supportive of you and he hasn't been kind in the way that he's talked about this with you. I actually think that the beard removal isn't quite the same as pubic hair removal; that is infinitely more personal and it is not the same as it would be for a man to remove his pubic hair. Women have expectations placed on them that men do not - that's true and always has been. Where I run aground with these threads is that it is other women dictating what women ought to be doing with their bodies and I can't accept that.

Only you know what your marriage is like, weighing it up. People have stayed in marriages for reasons other than love and respect - sometimes it's just convenience and maybe companionship but absolutely, you do not have to take any extraordinary measures to fit your body for your husband. He should love you and desire you regardless as that's what marriage is. Making an effort shouldn't be one-sided and I think that if you saw effort being made by him, it's possible that you'd feel that you wanted to please him - and that's the crux - actually wanting to please somebody, not being made to feel as if you should. I'm totally on your side about that. You sound like a strong woman and you'll know what to do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2018 21:19

cross-posted with you, TotHappy, I agree with everything you've said in your last post and I'd mentioned some of that in mine. I hear you and I feel very sad that your husband is letting you down like this; he really is. I wonder if he realises what he stands to lose?

HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 21:22

Trouble is it starts early My mum would not let me shave my legs and i was relentlessly bullied at school for it.

My mum was brought up in Italy and ppl just didnt do it then.

I went through hell at school for it.

I really think this kind of misogynistic bullying should be made illegal.

HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 21:24

YY Tothappy You should feel accepted as you are in your own home.

Grandmaswagsbag · 08/05/2018 21:24

I’m surprised that a nurse doesn’t know that pubic hair protects from irritation to the skin and infection and there's certainly nothing unhygienic about it.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2018 21:52

I really don't understand why anyone gives a fuck what some random on line thinks,

Who gives a shit if some stranger think it's disgusting. There is a thread on here where someone is getting abused for using Botox. Another one where someone is being abusive about people wearing thongs. Thr threads about wearing make up or not are appalling. Then let's not even touch on the friggen weight threads.

Some women judge other women for making choices that differ from theirs. You name it they judge it. Hair or the removal of is no different.

That's not societal pressure that's just a few judgemental people making comments, so what, you name it and someone's going to make a comment that's judgemental.

Stop all the hand wringing and living your life in fear or angry that strangers might judge you, as said, they already are. Hairy legs or not.

MillicentF · 08/05/2018 22:09

“Anybody who removes their pubic hair is somehow seen to be 'letting the side down' ”

Nope. Anyone who isn’t prepared to accept that this is a complex issue with more nuance than “personal taste” is letting the side down. Because it is just absurd to deny it.

Grandmaswagsbag · 08/05/2018 22:14

Who gives a shit if some stranger think it's disgusting

Well I didn’t before but I might now as that stranger could be the nurse doing my smear test or the surgeon stitching me up after childbirth. If people whose job it is to look at vaginas can’t accept an adult female body in its natural state that’s pretty sad and goes to show how much it is in fact a societal pressure to be hairless.

On the other hand the OP isn’t talking about a stranger judging her is she?

HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 22:16

Bluntness this isnt the first ive heard of an HCP having that attitude.

Its been mentioned on other threads in the past.

HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 22:17

Not normal to have pubic hair but childbirth injuries seen as normal and part of life

Thats where we are.....................in 2018.

JaneyEJones · 08/05/2018 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/05/2018 22:25

Bluntness, it's great that you're so robust and confident and don't care what anyone else says or thinks about the things you do. Truly, it's wonderful for you. I'm not sure that telling people who are less robust and confident that they must just stop their "hand wringing" and stop living in fear/anger is going to achieve that!

Can you really not understand that someone reading a thread where lots of women are saying very directly that not shaving is lazy, unclean, disgusting, unhygienic etc etc might feel some pressure to conform to people's expectations? Even with a nurse making it clear she'd judge someone for not removing body hair to her expectations. And plenty of people explaining how men they know would find it unattractive and off-putting. Indeed, plenty of people instructing the OP to conform to her husband's expectations, or risk him cheating/leaving etc.

Yes it's just randoms on the internet, but clearly people here are part of our society and hold these views.

MillicentF · 08/05/2018 22:27

I do wish everyone was as robust and self confident as some people on here......

NotUmbongoUnchained · 08/05/2018 22:28

I don’t get the angst against the nurse. Surely as long as she doesn’t actually voice that opinion to the patient she’s still allowed to have that opinion?

JaneyEJones · 08/05/2018 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooManyPaws · 08/05/2018 22:32

At a slight tangent, has anyone seen Victorian hard core porn? Full of hairy pits, legs and muffs.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2018 22:33

Anyone who isn’t prepared to accept that this is a complex issue

It's really not a complex issue at all, not even slightly, let's not over egg that pudding.

And as for "robust and confident" if you live your life in fear of strangers judgement, be it the clothes you wear, if you shave, how you have your hair done, whatever, then yes, the issue is you and not "society", and you need to do something to help yourself.

But don't blame "society" because you live your life in fear of some random stranger possible judgement on you, surround yourself with people who love and like you and if you still do things because your scared of judgement of some random, then do something, be it self esteem classes, or seeing your gp about anxiety.

But don't blame the world because you live your life trying to avoid some random strangers possible judgement.

HelenaDove · 08/05/2018 22:35

NotUmbongo that would only work if they were a good enough actor/actress to hide their repulsion.

JaneyEJones · 08/05/2018 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2018 22:36

And the HCP thing is not a straw to cling to. I'm sure she's very professional and wouldn't say a word, so any patient wouldn't know.

And quite frankly if she's footering about in your nether regions that is all much more uncomfortable than whether she thinks you've a nicely trimmed bush or not, I mean seriously, why would you even give a shit.

AssassinatedBeauty · 08/05/2018 22:38

I think that perhaps, Bluntness, it is hard for you to empathize with women/people who lack your cast iron confidence and complete lack of concern for what others think of you.

Grandmaswagsbag · 08/05/2018 22:42

Surely as long as she doesn’t actually voice that opinion to the patient she’s still allowed to have that opinion?

I find it peculiar that any adult male or female could think a woman’s body is ‘disgusting’ for having hair on it. I honestly didn’t know other adult women had similar opinions to immature porn mad 15 year old boys.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 08/05/2018 22:43

I think any body with hair is gross. Not just women.