Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I shave?

632 replies

TotHappy · 07/05/2018 14:33

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was Confused as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a Hmm and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 07/05/2018 19:39

Blunt I’m not going to speak for the OP.

I have been responding to what the OP has written - and actually some critical thinking about her feelings about the expectation that she “should” shave has been a big part of that.

Your way of responding isn’t the only valid one.

stevie69 · 07/05/2018 19:39

You’re both incredibly dismissive of other women’s opinions. That’s an odd position given that the OP posted wanting opinions

Disagree totally. Both have made offered intelligent and helpful insight to the debate.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2018 19:40

Lana, you can not shave. Plenty on this thread don't. You can say no.

However let's not pretend the op saying no to her husband will help her marriage, we all know it won't. And this is about her and her husband and their marriage. Which, if you hadn't noticed, is already on shaky ground.

Her choice is whether to compromise and they start to make an effort for each other, or she refuses to and the intimacy continues to die a death, along with their marriage vows.

Branleuse · 07/05/2018 19:40

I do my legs fairly regularly in the summer, and I do the undercarriage bit of my foof as otherwise its itchy and thats also the main bit that dp likes smooth - He likes it if I shave the whole thing, so I do it occasionally as a treat for him, but its not my preference.
I am not shaving my armpits at the moment. Im thinking i might keep them short with a trimmer, rather than full pit-bush, but I get so pleased when I see a woman with hairy pits that I thought Im gonna grow mine out. Its a bit of a statement I think

Dp doesnt care if I have armpit hair. I asked him this morning actually

waterlego6064 · 07/05/2018 19:40

Lana yep, beards aren’t the same! I would guess that you’d get a roughly 50/50 split on whether people find beards attractive or not. Certainly they have been fashionable and desirable in recent years. I bloody love them personally and will be gutted when the beard fashion ends!

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2018 19:42

I was going to type out what Bluntness100 said, but as usual they’ve been far more articulate than myself. So I won’t repeat any of it, I’ll just say I hope TotHappy can get everything back on track, without either of them feeling undervalued. Nothing more to add without going around in circles.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 07/05/2018 19:49

Her choice is whether to compromise and they start to make an effort for each other, or she refuses to and the intimacy continues to die a death, along with their marriage vows

But why is not shaving seen as not making an effort??

Just fucking why???

This is the whole crux of the fucking matter.

DP ain't perfect....but even he can see the difference between not showering/ cleaning as beng "not making an effort" and shaving your legs.

I'm not saying ltb....but for fuck sake what kind of societal expectations are we breeding when a woman not wanting to perform an entirely cosmetic procedure that has no bearing on how clean or healthy she is is seen as provactively goading, and ruining her marriage??

What kind of fucked up society basically says that women should shave to keep her marriage???

reallyanotherone · 07/05/2018 19:49

We are conditioned to believe that having no pubic hair is very attractive and feminine. From a young age, this is drummed into womens heads. And so this bullshit belief is perpetuated

This must be relatively new then- i was a teen in the late 80’s and pubic hair was entirely normal, and shaving it off was wierd. No boy wanted bald- pubic hair meant sexually mature - and presumably that they might get some rather than being restricted to chaste kissing.

mum11970 · 07/05/2018 19:50

Sorry I’m another who thinks hairy pits look gross. Makes me shudder just to think about it. I like men clean shaven, short haired and minimal body hair. Hair is just yuck really.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2018 19:56

But why is not shaving seen as not making an effort??

Becayse again this is not about society, it's about him. He personally does not find it attractive so she is not making an effort to be attractive to him personally.

You need to swoop down from the macro and into the micro. This is about them and their marriage. This is not about societal expectations.

It's about what one man does or does not find attractive, and what his wife will decide to do about it. That's the effort. The effort to be attractive for her husband because right now she is presenting in a way he doesn't find attractive.

The impact on her marriage is simply another nail in the coffin. Where they do not do things to appear attractive to one another, in fact appear in ways the other does not find attractive and they know it. That negatively impacts a marriage, especially one already in bad shape.

Bluntness100 · 07/05/2018 19:57

And the fact your partner doesn't care is irrelevant. Her partner does.

espresso7 · 07/05/2018 19:59

OP, It sounds to me as if you're not really that bothered about shaving, but what annoys you most is that he has commented on it.
Shaving your legs and underarms is fairly basic, surely? It's very unusual to see women with hairy legs. It really doesn't take long.
Would you not brush your teeth or never cut your hair to make a point about societal expectations?
Very few men will find hairy legs atttractive and very few women will see it as a good look on other women. It would not feel feminine to me. I would hate it, even if I was single.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but you asked what most women do and the truth is that most women at least shave legs / underarms as a basic routine, if not have permanent laser all over. Just the same as the fact most women would want to take care of their skin, hair etc. This is not a shocker.

Ollivander84 · 07/05/2018 20:02

I hope none of the "I have to shave" develop hidradenitis supprativa. Believe me, you won't want to shave then!
I obviously wouldn't wish it on anyone but it stings a bit to read so much about it only taking seconds to shave and it being unhygienic when you physically CANNOT shave because of the scarring and abscesses Sad

SmileEachDay · 07/05/2018 20:02

He personally does not find it attractive

Except he didn’t mind at the beginning - the OP says she has never been a committed shaver.

So it’s not as straightforward as the OP compromising or just saying yes or whatever.

The issue about shaving is one for the OP to decide how she feels about. The issue with her husband is a bit separate, I think.

Grasslands · 07/05/2018 20:03

Of course shaving is a small effort, same as brushing your teeth or wiping your bottom.
100% agree with Blunt
And honestly wonder if the hard core feminist are real or online bots.

SmileEachDay · 07/05/2018 20:05

And honestly wonder if the hard core feminist are real or online bots

Yeah, we’re bots; didn’t you get the centrally generated email informing you?

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 07/05/2018 20:05

Hair is just yuck really

Then why don't you shave your head??

If we all shaved our heads, by your logic, our heads would be more hygienic.
So why don't we??

Pubic hair has a job to do

Pubic hair does have a purpose, providing a cushion against friction that can cause skin abrasion and injury, protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens, and is the visible result of long-awaited adolescent hormones, certainly nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about

And from an article about underarm hair....

Why do you have hair under your arms?

The hair under your arms and pubic area serve different purposes, which is the main reason why they remain when you lose hair on other parts of your body.

<strong>Warmth – The hair under your arms is very important in helping maintain and regulate your body temperature especially when it is cold. How do you feel when it is cold without hair under your armpits?</strong>

<strong>Friction – Your underarms hair serve the important role of preventing friction. Removing your underarms hair exposes the surrounding skin to constant friction between the skin at the beginning of your arms and that at the beginning of your body. You are most likely to develop rashes and irritation without the hair, which acts as a buffer.</strong>

<strong>Sweat licking – The hair under your arms is also very important in licking seat away from the surrounding skin. Although it does not absorb the sweat, the mere fact that it is there prevents you from feeling uncomfortable with sweat resting on the surrounding skin.</strong>

<strong>Pheromones release – This is probably the most important role that the hair under your arms plays. You naturally produce individual scent, which, interestingly, is prominent in your underarms. Having hair under your arms makes it possible for anyone around you (particularly men) to “smell” your scent. Your scent plays a major role in what is referred to as Major Histo-Compatibility Complex (MHC), which informs whether or not a man gets attracted to you.Why do you have hair under your arms?</strong>

Hair has a purpose.
It is only our weird attitude to bodies that thinks it is gross, and funnily enough it seems to be mainly women who get abused for keeping their (hygenic and natural) hair.

balsamicbarbara · 07/05/2018 20:06

To be fair she's also moaning that he doesn't want to have sex. There's no requirement for him to do that either if he doesn't want to. But if she does, maybe she should compromise.

waterlego6064 · 07/05/2018 20:06

WIPING YOUR BOTTOM? Oh for fuck’s sake.

Juells · 07/05/2018 20:06

I'm afraid that I think it doesn't matter what hoops the OP jumps through now, there isn't a good sex life waiting for her at the end of the hoop-jumping. She has a DH who seems to look for reasons to go off sex. "You're pregnant" "You're hairy" If hair was such a universal turn-off how did the human race ever manage to take over the world?

She seems to be the only one who's putting an effort in to save the marriage.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 07/05/2018 20:08

Hah!

Not a bot.

I find it bloody insulting that someone with a different opinion gets called a bot. Hmm

You can check my posting history if you want...recently I asked how to get blood out of white cotton and replied to a veggie bbq thread with my own recipe....but clearly any woman who doesn't agree with you must be a feminist bot.

LeighaJ · 07/05/2018 20:09

TotHappy

"His argument is that while that's technically true, if you love someone why wouldn't you want to be attractive to them?"

Well...why wouldn't you? Confused

And it does sound like you've stopped caring.

waterlego6064 · 07/05/2018 20:10

If I don’t brush my teeth, they will become decayed and rotten and will eventually fall out.

If I don’t shave my legs, then.....um..... oh, nothing happens!

JaceLancs · 07/05/2018 20:12

My shaving habits are always the same whether I am in a relationship or not
Underarms shaved - at least once s week, I find my deodorant works better too
Legs shaved 1-2 times a week depending on if I’m wearing a dress or shorts or going swimming
Pubic hair trimmed neatly but never shaved

Swipe left for the next trending thread