should I shave?

[TotHappy]

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

the hair in the armpits (and groin) tends to soak up and retain the sweat smell. so although my dh showers and scrubs regularly his armpits always have a slight odor. again deodorant does apply better hair free.
should my dh decide not to shave his beard or trim and scrub his finger nails and toe nails or shower on a regular basis, i'd be asking why. i wouldn't find that attractive at all.

@TwoManyPaws - I am more than happy with my body thank you. I do think hair on woman is unsightly. How can anyone possibly think that seeing a woman with hairy legs or underarms in a dress, skirt etc is attractive? I personally wouldn’t feel ‘sexy’ if I had hair anywhere so I had it lasered off.

And she wants him to find her attractive. So she can turn into a yeti to prove a point to him that it's her body her choice, or she can do what billions have people have done since the beginning of time, and that's try to be attractive every now and again for their partner. Both men and women
^^ This is what the OP needs to consider.

I’ve been nodding along heartily with all of your posts Lana.

And this from Johnny: If I was the OP, yes, I would damn well be staying hairy to prove a point, because the point just isn't about hair. It's about all the endless demands and expectations put on women that aren't put on men YES to this.

I'm sorry to read your last post OP. I hope you have the opportunity to discuss this and obviously a lot more with him. I know it's difficult with small children.

How can anyone possibly think that seeing a woman with hairy legs or underarms in a dress, skirt etc is attractive?

Why are you judging other women?

I have always shaved my pits because I'm very sweaty and smell less when I do. I used to keep my vag trimmed but that's got less frequent in the last few years. I shave my legs about twice a year.
I know H prefers my legs smooth but also know he finds me attractive regardless. Preference doesn't equal attraction.
I went to the Lido on the weekend with my long leg hair and didn't think twice about it. It's natural and normal for me to have leg hair, but as I'm pale and don't like the sun, it's also normal for me to be covered up, so not sure what I'd do if I was wearing a shorter skirt.

Sorry to hear that OP
I hope things improve soon

How can anyone possibly think that seeing a woman with hairy legs or underarms in a dress, skirt etc is attractive?

What does it matter? We are not here to decorate the world.

How can anyone possibly think that seeing a woman with hairy legs or underarms in a dress, skirt etc is attractive?

Because people have different preferences (obviously). And because many of us are lucky enough to have partners who are able to find us very sexy whether or not we have hair on our bodies.

^I'm angry that women are held to higher standards than men.

I'm angry that women are described as "gross" for not shaving^

I find men's beards gross and unhygienic. I'm not sure men and women are held to different standards

YY Beauty. If i came across that attitude in an HCP i would be putting in a complaint to PALS

Ive already been putting off my smear due to the fact that i find it incredibly painful Should have been done six months ago. Way to change my mind Popcorn. Im 45 and im fucked if im going to shave to please any one.

And attiudes like this from men are just part of the reason ive only ever dated much older men.

And coupled with the other stuff ive seen recently (the attitudes to womens birth injuries and GPs charging domestic abuse victims for letters to prove their abuse im beginning to think the NHS needs its own #metoo moment.

I wasn't aware we are all supposed to 'be attractive'

You can have an opinion on women's hairy legs though, right?

I'm sorry to hear it too op, but to be honest, I expected something like that. Clearly the marriage is struggling.

You're getting a lot of militant feminism on here about your right and the rights of women to, ehrm, have hairy legs and pits, but that's not going to help your marriage and you know it.

Marriages take a lot of effort from both parties to work. Making an effort for one another is part of that. And yes if your husband doesn't like hairy legs or arm pits on women, as a huge percentage of society don't, and he doesn't find it attractive you need to accept that. You cannot change it. The decision you need to make is will you make an effort every now and again to shave to make him find you more attractive or will you simply say fuck you, I don't fancy bits of you either.

Because ultimately you won't change the world you won't even change his views. But you will change your marriage depending on which way you bend.

Ultimately this is about you and him. It's about you and him and the physical intimacy within your relationship. And that intimacy impacts your whole marriage.

YES to this

It’s very easy to encourage all this right-on idealism on to the op from behind a computer screen. However, there’s very likely a real person and (more to the point) a real marriage behind this. They have obviously had some issues, and it’s evidently not over yet. Encouraging the op to deliberately do the opposite to her husband’s opinion could do further harm to their relationship. They need to talk, not deliberately be contrite.

Yes there’s a discussion to be had (and has been often on here) about female body image and social expectations. However, I think that this thread is being confused between posters personal feminist views and two people who are not communicating well in their marriage about their feelings.

You're miffed he went off sex, yet are complaining he's miffed when you've gone off grooming. Seems a bit hypocritical. Neither sex or dolling yourself up are necessities so you should be comfortable with each others preferences.

"But doesn't anyone see, when the OP met DH she would have a lot of the time have been shaved and made an effort for him when they were going on dates"

Did you miss the post where she has her little DD in the bath with her.

I wonder how much childcare her DH does.

Ed and Blunt

You’re both incredibly dismissive of other women’s opinions. That’s an odd position given that the OP posted wanting opinions.

I always thought pretty much everyone shaved most things regularly. I do my pits and legs daily unless I'm in a massive rush and then only do my pits. I'm single, mum of 3 and I find time to do pits and legs every morning before the walk to school. Bits are kept trimmed, if in a relationship then I'd get it waxed regularly but not completely off. Can't stand bald. And my skins reacts badly to shaving down there so that's for emergencies only. Managed to get it done all 3 times I was in labour too. No knicker tash for me at any time. To say you haven't got time is just silly. I prefer my men clean shaven and their bushes trimmed (as per my post on the same). Nothing worse than a mouth full of pubes imo.

Helena, don’t let this nonsense keep you from your smear. The vast majority of HCPs I know who deal with women’s bits say they couldn’t care less how their patients go about their grooming. Popcorn seems a bit unusual in that regard!

I don't shave at all in winter but wouldn't be seen in public with hairy legs or armpits. There is no rational explanation by the way, I think I'm just worried that people will look at me and I hate that.
DH couldn't care less if I'm hairy. One of my best friends is the same and her DH doesn't care either. I think he's just more embarrassed that people will comment? I don't think men care about hair at all.

You’re both incredibly dismissive of other women’s opinions

No. That statement is what's dismissive. And rude.

There is a real woman here, struggling in a real marriage, very few of you who are banging the drum for the right to be hairy are referring it back to her marriage. A marriage she seems to want to keep.

I have already fully started I think everyone has the right to chose. But when it comes down to a couple in this situation then let's not pretend her decision to not shave will impact her marriage negatively.

It doesn't matter if you think her husband should fancy her hairy or not. He does not. That's it, it's not changeable. So she needs to make a choice. Give him thr giant fuck you like you're suggesting, or meet in the middle somewhere and compromise.

It's her decision and she should not be pressurised into making it for the sake of some women who wish to not shave their friggen legs.

‘To say you haven’t got time is just silly’.

Perhaps women feel they have to make ‘silly’ excuses, because apparently saying ‘I don’t want to’ isn’t good enough.

"right on"

"millitant feminist"

Oh aye....

Dismissing opinions by insult....how original.

My points about people changing ôver time stand....

Why should women be expected to stay the same as they were when they were younger??

Why can't we not shave??

Why can't we turn around and say no?

Why are women policing, judging, and being frankly insulting about other women's choices??

It's hideous.

And beards are not the fucking same.
There is in no way a societal expectation for men to be clean shaven, plenty of beardys are v v societally popular right now.....show me the same for a woman not shaving her legs....

Blunt, I don’t think anyone is pressurising the OP. She has asked for opinions and she is getting them.

OP, for the avoidance of doubt: I personally have strong feelings about all this, but only you can know whether you are prepared to carry out grooming that you don’t want in order to help your marriage. I personally wouldn’t compromise on this because it is about far more than hair, in my opinion.