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Original poster

Only 1 not invited to wedding

383 replies

happylion · 07/05/2018 00:43

So it's a small team, only 5 of us, one of the girls got married this weekend, we're told it was only family only no problems I understand weddings and budget etc, however tonight I've found okout that I was the only one not to have been invited, I feel such a dick, I even organised a card and brought a gift, we went for drinks the other day and toasted her up coming wedding, but they all knew I wasn't invited and they were!
Bride is now away for a few weeks on honeymoon, and I'll be seeing the other girls in the office on Tuesday, I found out as I saw a picture of them all on Instagram and I liked it, so they will know I've seen it, I'm hurt, embarrassed and actually annoyed, i thought we were all friends, it's the lies ! Why lie? 😔 wwyd?

OP posts:
LittlePaintBox · 07/05/2018 12:57

It sounds like you've had your say, OP. Can't help wondering if the person who rang you up was deputed to do it by the whole group - I'm sure your response will have been fed back.

TBH, I don't think there's anything that can be done to clear the air with your colleagues - this goes way beyond a misunderstanding or a minor fall-out. You have discovered that they don't mind lying to you and that, for some reason, the bride doesn't consider you as a friend like she does your colleagues.

I'd definitely make it the last time you run round organising anything for the group!

I've had similar experiences with people I thought were friends - it hurts - but you'll get over it. Some people are just inconsiderate, unfortunately.

zzzzz · 07/05/2018 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slanetylor · 07/05/2018 13:03

Why presumably their plus ones? Why the need to invite a total stranger to babysit your guest at the cost of being a total ass to just one of your co- workers?

AnnieOH1 · 07/05/2018 13:04

I do wonder if there's an issue here like either you are an ex of the groom, or the bride if an ex of your DH or a million other permutations.

I would definitely inform your manager. A) because they need to be aware if theres a situation within the team B) because if they inform him first you could be rounded on and C) you get to lay out "this has happened I will be professional and do my job but felt you need to know xyz"

It's going to be rocky no matter what happens because even if you go in and act totally normal and friendly you can't control how the other women will act.

Good luck OP.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 07/05/2018 13:07

This is such a hurtful and puzzling situation.
I've had similar happen to me. My best friend (friendship of over 25 years, she was my bridesmaid, I had a significant role in bed first wedding and was godparent to her child) was remarrying and told me it was a small wedding, parents and siblings only. No problem. I was happy for her. Bought a nice gift, chose a meaningful card, went to the hen do. At the hen, it became clear that the wedding was much bigger than I'd been told. Out of twelve of us, I was the only one not invited to the wedding. I can't tell you how hurt I felt. I don't know why my friend chose to lie to me. I'm not aware of anything I did to upset her - especially as she included me in the hen do. I'll be honest, it really ate me up and in the end I decided that for me, the friendship was over. I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I was genuinely happy for her and OK with not being invited. It was being lied to that was the hurtful and ultimately, unforgivable thing.

I don't know what advice to give you OP, but I definitely feel your hurt.

MumW · 07/05/2018 13:16

The point at which this situation went from just being disappointed and a bit hurt at not being invited to being totally unacceptable was when the OPs CW (co-worker) actively pretended to also not to be going knowing all but the OP were invited.

The correct response at this point would have been a sheepish "actually, it's a bit embarrassing, but I have been invited." and then going on to say that she, yes, she thought the others were going if OP asked directly.

The other CWs must have all decided that they were going to bare face lie if when the topic came up. That's the bit I couldn't get over.

CheerfulSausage · 07/05/2018 13:16

bananas I bet that was exactly because you had a significant role in the first wedding. Were the others invited less involved in her past?

Truly shabby behaviour but some people like to totally reinvent themselves and rewrite history. They then have to edit out the people who know too much...

zzzzz · 07/05/2018 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Poptart4 · 07/05/2018 13:30

Similar happened to me. I work in a small team of 6. One of the girls was having a big party for a milestone birthday and I was the only one not invited.

Difference is the rest of the team had the decency to pull me aside and let me know and also told me how bad they thought it was. I didn't care about not being invited to the party but I would have felt very hurt and isolated had they kept it a secret from me.

The team filling me in made it clear in my mind that it was just this one woman who had a problem with me and the rest actually liked and respected me, it made us closer.

If these people were your friends they'd have let you know. Their excuses of feeling awkward are BS. They knew you'd find out about it at some point. I think the way you handled your friend today was perfect. I get why people suggest to take the high road but that's why cheeky fuckers like your co-workers get away with being cheeky fuckers. Their depending on you to take the high road and let them off the hook. I'm glad you didn't.

WingsOnMyBoots · 07/05/2018 13:35

Nasty and bitchy. Yes I would feel very upset too. Yes it is the bride's right but that is a separate issue in my opinion. Real friends could never have treated you like this. I doubt you will ever feel the same about them again. I wouldn't.

Figgygal · 07/05/2018 13:36

Some people are such arse holes
Wow bananas

OliviaStabler · 07/05/2018 13:45

she said it wasn’t her place to say anything

Rubbish. She just told herself / themselves that so she / they feel less guilty. Totally agree this was a 'sounding you out' call. They are now shitting themselves before seeing you tomorrow. They all know what they did was shitty yet they still did it, none of them had the spine to quietly pull you aside and tell you what was going on.

If there was nothing to hide, it would have been talked about openly beforehand. The fact everyone lied tells you this is not right.

Olddear · 07/05/2018 13:46

cqc you're not really getting the hang of this, are you?

Cloudyapples · 07/05/2018 13:56

Of course the bride can invite who she likes, and shouldnt feel like she has to include someone if she doesn’t like them. HOWEVER, from what op is said it sounds like everyone gets on in the office well, are all close, and there has been no indication that bride had any dislike for op. Therefore, if all the work colleagues are considered equal in terms of friendship then bride should either have invited all of them or none at all. To not invite op and then have the rest pretend they weren’t going is understandably very hurtful. HOWEVER I think there must be some back story here - I think maybe op something has been going on behind your back for a while. There’s no way these ladies can truly be your friends and yet go along with lying to you about attending the wedding. They clearly have no respect for you and I’d hazard a guess that they’re the sort who have been nice to your face while secretly bitching behind your back. I think you should step we’ll back and leave them to it - you deserve better ‘friends’ than this.

bridgetosomewhere · 07/05/2018 13:57

That happened to me too. Only one out of 5 not invited but I was fairly new to the team so I didn’t feel too bad.

Whenever I came into the room tho they would stop talking about their outfits etc which was tiresome.

Then the bridesmaid who also worked there invited me to the hen do which was a contribution of £25 each some nibbles and one crappy activity. I said thanks but I’m busy! I’m quite sure she needed me to make up the numbers money wise.

Cloudyapples · 07/05/2018 13:57

What poptart said is spot on!

Slanetylor · 07/05/2018 13:59

Most work weddings I’ve been invited to didn’t have plus ones. I think it would have been the perfect compromise.

cafetea · 07/05/2018 14:28

The bride sounds to be in control of the group as none of them told you they were going. Hold yur head high - you didn't waste your time with these people. They are your work team not your friends. Make a plan to do a new activity to meet new people. The money you would have spent on the wedding for what to wear, travel etc spend it on a treat for yourself or put it towards a project/holiday.

MabelFurball · 07/05/2018 14:35

My sister was at a wedding this weekend where two of her work colleagues had been invited at short notice as there had been a couple of cancellations.

ferntwist · 07/05/2018 14:39

Ouch, that is really bad. How mean. Enjoy the knowledge that you’re bigger than that and were generous enough to organise the card and gift.

zzzzz · 07/05/2018 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2018 15:22

I totally agree with poptart, the behaviour of the bride, and the colleguea, lying and being decidedly. If I was in the colleguea shoes, I would tell bride that will tell op, as I don't free with what they are doing and this is being handled, I will not be a part of it. That was what was wrong. It was always going to be awkward bride telling op she is not the only one invited, which is why I could not do what she did. In this situation, I would have all or no work colleagues. If I disliked the op, I am sure we would both be aware of this, but it did not seem so in this case.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2018 15:32

The behaviour of the bride and work colleagues, impacts on the work environment and team cohesion. Her behaviour has created tensions in the workplace, and has affected the team. Its created this culture of mistrust, and deceit.

StopPOP · 07/05/2018 15:42

Whilst I do subscribe to the "Rise above it, don't show any reaction etc" way of thinking. I actually think that this particular scenario does warrant a rant, then disengagement.

Because there's no hiding the fact that this was horrible all round is there? I'd more than likely say "Yup, that was a nasty thing you all did, it made me feel utterly crap and miserable. However I do know that any guilt is you lots so own it mother fuckers and make sure you don't make anyone feel like that again. I'm hurt, but I will be ok. Clear conscience. Just know that there's no going back for me, don't wish anyone any ill but I'll not be contributing to anything from now on. Including the tea fund. Fuckers."

Followed by power flounce.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 07/05/2018 15:45

The fact that they instagrammed a picture of them all together for you to see clearly shows that they were " happy" for you to know the situation, they are not innocently caught up in the brides rudeness they clearly willing participants
Not sure what I would do but I'd either

  1. totally ignore and put on a breezy smile and rise above it
  2. get everyone's attention in the room and bluntly ask them what I've done to be excluded and is there anything I need to know? Have I been offensive in any way or caused myself to be a unpopular?
    It's easy for for me to say but I'd really be tempted to go for number 2 as they were so unsubtle, the truth may hurt but you're hurt anyway so nothing to loose ? ... Maybe?
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