Only 1 not invited to wedding

[happylion]

So it's a small team, only 5 of us, one of the girls got married this weekend, we're told it was only family only no problems I understand weddings and budget etc, however tonight I've found okout that I was the only one not to have been invited, I feel such a dick, I even organised a card and brought a gift, we went for drinks the other day and toasted her up coming wedding, but they all knew I wasn't invited and they were!
Bride is now away for a few weeks on honeymoon, and I'll be seeing the other girls in the office on Tuesday, I found out as I saw a picture of them all on Instagram and I liked it, so they will know I've seen it, I'm hurt, embarrassed and actually annoyed, i thought we were all friends, it's the lies ! Why lie? 😔 wwyd?

Are you the bride zz it is equally as hurtful and mean leaving one adult out, just because you are an adult, does not mean it is not hurtful. The lying and deceit that went on behind her back. It may as well be school, because their behaviour was definitely not adult like. Anyway op now knows where she stands with them, and will act accordingly.

Of course people can invite anyone they like to any event they hold - however they must have the foresight to see how their behaviour effects relationships.

This. The OP has the right to react in any (legal) way she'd like too. If you trample all over people's feelings you should expect them to react.

I think your response to your colleague sounds perfect, OP.

I can understand why you're upset, OP. You've been lied to by everyone in your team and then again by the girl you spoke to on the phone. She couldn't even own up to her lies when you confronted her. They sound a rather spineless bunch, to be honest. You were absolutely right to challenge her. Put the onus on her and the others.

I think I'd be on the lookout for another job and just to try stay polite and professional but a little distant in the meantime.

zzzzzz it seems I’m the only one in agreement with you.
Say for instance that the bride (for whatever reason) does not like the op. Or does not see her as a close friend - why on earth should she be expected to invite her to her wedding? No explanation is needed. We can’t all be invited to everything.
Yes, the others could have told you or maybe they thought this was for the best?
If the bride doesn’t particularly like you that’s her choice. The fact that she has been professional and friendly in work reflects on her well.

This is quite a hurtful thing to happen. But I don't think it's an issue for HR. Your colleagues probably were embarrassed that you were left out but it was still mean of them to let you go ahead with organising a present and so on and keep their invitations a secret. I would have nothing to do with them socially from now on and treat them all in a business like way with no chit chat and then start thinking about are these people really who I want as work colleagues. I absolutely would not challenge them on it. If they asked I'd say what you do in your spare time is your business.

I’m also with zzzz

There’s a lack of introspection whenever an OP posts about being the only one left out.

I’m not sayings it always the case but I reckon the problem often lies with the OP but obviously we don’t get be other side of the story

People sometimes tell lies to save someone’s feelings - it’s not about being spineless.
You only have to read the posts on here to see how often people are encouraged to do this kind of thing!

I think op would know if the bride did not like her, or could just invite a couple of people, to do what she did was dreadful, and for collegues lying behind op back, playing her for a fool.

would have nothing to do with them socially from now on and treat them all in a business like way with no chit chat

Let’s be honest.
They clearly don’t like the OP very much, given their behaviour.
So your suggestion will probably suit them rather well

It is spineless, op was bound to find out anyway, and it is better to pull the bride up, and tell her that you will not lie, and that you will be telling op what is going on, as she has a right to know.

zzzzzz it seems I’m the only one in agreement with you. Not really.

I think most people would see the difficulty for the bride and the invitees. But that isn't to dismiss OPs very real feelings of disappointment.

Had the bride and others acted like adults they might have been able to avoid any ill feeling. It would be a tightrope to walk, but that doesn't negate OPs right to feel pissed off.

As I said, no that OP and one of the other women have spoken it can, hopefully, all be worked through, even if that is just a tacit agreement that it was difficult for everyone.

But if there was any underlying nastiness intended by any of them then OP is now aware and can guard herself! That is why I said their behaviour could be seen as bullying. We have no idea, we aren't part of it. OP is and can best judge how she feels about it.

I think your response was spot-on OP. She must have seen you "Like" their photo and was trying some damage limitation. She does have a small point that it wasn't really their place to tell you that you were the only one not invited, and it sounds like she at least feels a bit weird about it.

I wouldn't say anything else now. You've calmly told her you're hurt by the situation, without kicking off. She will no doubt tell the others, so I would just rise above it, not mention it again and gradually withdraw from the friendships while keeping it professional at work. Sorry they've put you in this situation, it's crappy.

Very nicely handled OP.
Anyone with half a brain could understand its the lying about it that hurts, not the lack of invite. If anyone else questions is then tell them that - the bride and groom are welcome to invite who they want, but decent people don't actively lie about whether they've been invited.

It is the being lied to outright that would upset me not the lack of an invite.
As PP have said keep things professional rather than friendly but certainly don't volunteer for any present buying etc!

Such ridiculous advice being handed out here… Leave your job? Tell them how hurt you are? Call them out for lying?
The poster who advised you to rise above it was spot-on. You aren't entitled to be invited to a wedding because your friends are, or because you bought a gift. But I see from your latest post that it is too late for that...

I would wait until they're all together in work and then say, "Well this is a bit embarrassing, anyone got any advice on how I deal with this? What would you do in my shoes?"

I would put them on the spot, they won't be expecting it.

CQC, when you're not friendly with somebody, you DON'T accept cards and gifts from them. Most people thankfully, are not that skeevy. Clearly some are.

Oh, they're mean and childish aren't they?!

I agree, it's not the lack of invitation, it's the bare-faced lying and dissembling about it that's offensive.

You handled it brilliantly. In work from now on, I'd be professional but cool. It's sad to lose what you thought were great work friendships, but they've shown their true colours and I don't think they sound like nice people, so there you go.

I like that Blit!

i think its more than the lying, its the fact that they must have talked about whether or not to keep it quiet, for none of them to have given the OP a heads up they all agreed to lie outright and by omission, and now the OP has to work with these (either spineless or nasty) women, and i would imagine apart from it being rather awkward she is also going to have issues trusting anything they say to her in the future and that could effect her work, their work and the atmosphere in the office

I feel for you OP because I am sure we have all been left out of something at some point and I remember the feeling of hurt.

Also it’s all very well saying just be professional with all of them at work but don’t engage with them otherwise . Social interaction with colleagues is a huge part of our working lives, so that is not sustainable. Since you are in such a tiny office, if there really aren’t any other people around, you will have to either make up with at least some of the group or look for another job.

I cannot believe the people agreeing with what the bride and the colleagues gave done. Op response was spot op, I am glad she relayed her feelings to her colleague in a dignified and mature way.

This has happened to me, but with a hen weekend. I found out as I saw them all at the train station (it was a pure coincidence as I wouldn't normally be there) and my DH saw photos on FB (I'm not on FB so again, they wouldn't expect me to see them, and the friend who has DH on her list obviously forgot).

The bride was a relatively new member of the group and I guess we didn't gel as much.

Like you I was more hurt that my long standing friends in the group had all kept it from me, I had wished them all a great weekend when I saw them the day before. On reflection, the bride had the good grace to be extremely awkward and squirmy although I didn't understand why at the time! I felt really hurt and very humiliated.

For what it's worth, I didn't confront it and we are still friends although I don't see as much of them now. I am very much over it. And you will be too, one way or another.

💐

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe The office environment is the one place where people do accept and buy gifts for people they don’t like.
You don’t refuse a wedding gift because you don’t like the person who organised the collection!