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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pick a wedding venue that I know FIL can't access?

104 replies

sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 17:22

Dp and I are looking at wedding venues.

At the moment we've narrowed it down to 2 that look the nicest for us/most promising.

One is a hotel so will do everything there which makes it a bit easier for organisation but this of course just jack the price up a bit. With it being a hotel, we have to use all their suppliers for food etc and its a bit 'fancier' than we would like. But it is fully accessible and FIL is in a full wheelchair so he would be able to take part in the whole day if we chose it.

The second venue is quite unique, very 'us' and very affordable. Everything has to be organised separately so lots of opportunities to DIY and make it our own. However, the place where the actual ceremony would take place is up a steep set of stairs so FIL would not be able to access it.

DP and FIL don't have a close relationship. He (FIL) left when Dp was 8 and they have not been in much contact ever since, in fact last time they saw each other was 5 years ago for SIL's wedding. DP said he isn't fussed about inviting him at all but I think he will regret it in the end if he isn't invited.

I'm really leaning towards venue 2. In almost every way it is ideal, except for the access. But is it reasonable to make big adjustments and pay a lot more money just so FIL can attend? I've never actually met him so, while I want to include him, I really don't know!

Wibu to book a venue I know he can't access?

OP posts:

GrimDamnFanjo · 06/05/2018 17:23

Is it a public building?

Justmuddlingalong · 06/05/2018 17:24

I think you need to decide if he's invited or not. Then you can choose your venue without any other considerations.

Springnowplease · 06/05/2018 17:24

I think it would be VU. There are more than 2 venues in the wold, find cheaper accessible one.

Jonbb · 06/05/2018 17:24

Horrible to even ask.

peachgreen · 06/05/2018 17:24

Yes. Find something else.

If your partner doesn't want to invite his dad to his wedding because they don't get on, that's his prerogative. But not to do so because of his disability is pretty gross.

rookiemere · 06/05/2018 17:24

That's a really hard one.

There was a thread a few weeks ago where OP was the one in the wheelchair and the ILs had chosen to have a special celebration in a place that wasn't accessible, and lots of people felt that was unreasonable on their behalf.

Ultimately it seems like its your DH's decision. You say he'd regret not inviting his DF, but perhaps he really doesn't want him there so having a non-accessible venue would kind of make the decision for him?

Mammalamb · 06/05/2018 17:25

Your h2b hasn’t seen him in 5 years? He’s not really part of your life so I wouldn’t worry about inviting him

TheMonkeysAreMine · 06/05/2018 17:25

You should choose somewhere which is accessible to him imho. Is there no way around making it accessible to him?

Floralnomad · 06/05/2018 17:26

I’d book the venue that you want and perhaps do a live feed of the ceremony part for him whilst he waits elsewhere if that’s possible . I certainly wouldn’t organise my wedding around someone I’d never met just because they are a blood relation .

ShinyShooney · 06/05/2018 17:26

I wouldn't pick a venue based on someone I've never met, who abandoned my DP when he was 8 and who hasn't then been in touch with him for the last 5 years.

I'd pick the cool DIY venue.

JaneyEJones · 06/05/2018 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseTheDay · 06/05/2018 17:27

Your DP needs to decide if he really wants to invite him. If he is invited, then the venue needs to be accessible for him, that isn't up for debate.

Bluelady · 06/05/2018 17:27

I'm astonished you're even asking. Would you choose a venue that your parents couldn't access?

Alienspaceship · 06/05/2018 17:28

As a previous poster said, first decide if you are inviting him. Then pick a venue all your guests can access.

Ohyesiam · 06/05/2018 17:28

I thought public buildings had to be accessible? Am I naieve?

RoseWhiteTwat · 06/05/2018 17:30

Someone you've never met? Who cares. Book what you want.

Violetroselily · 06/05/2018 17:31

Decide if you are inviting him. If so, YWBVVVVU to pick that venue.

Would any other guests struggle with the access too? Elderly, pregnant, young children, someone with mobility issues?

BackforGood · 06/05/2018 17:31

YABVU

There was a thread on here a few weeks back about a FiL arranging his birthday party in a venue that the OP couldn't access because of her wheelchair. Quite rightly he was berated for the horrible message he was sending.

If you are aware someone on your guestlist is a wheelchair user, then to book a venue they can't access is just shocking.

As Peachgreen said, not inviting someone because they don't want them at the wedding because of their history is entirley right and proper and a decision for your partner, but to not invite them because they are disabled is very, very low. Am surprised you even think it ok to consider it.

NorthernKnickers · 06/05/2018 17:31

Is the rest of the venue accessible OP? Just the 'ceremony' room itself that isn't? If that's the case, it's a very short part of the whole day that he'd miss out on and as a PP has say, you could organise a live feed/Skype type link for him for that part of the day (it would only be about 20 minutes or so as it's a civil ceremony). As you say, you DP isn't really that bothered about him even being there (another issue entirely I'm guessing!) and hasn't seen him for 5 years...so as sad as this actually is, it's not worth changing your whole day for.

QuizzlyBear · 06/05/2018 17:31

It's your wedding and whilst I think you should make all reasonable accommodations for family, he sounds like more of a sperm donor. If your DP isn't bothered then I'd pick whichever venue you two prefer and (if he still wants to invite him) let his DF know that there may be issues accessing the ceremony venue and perhaps he'd like to come along to the reception?

Either way - enjoy your day!

NasdaqYouTwat · 06/05/2018 17:32

Someone you've never met? Who cares. Book what you want.

Presumably the groom to be had met him

GreenTulips · 06/05/2018 17:32

He's hardly a parent is he?

You know those that love and suppprt their children?

You decide the venue FIL can decide if he wants to attend or not there will be ways round the steps I'm sure

codswallopandbalderdash · 06/05/2018 17:34

Can you not do the actual wedding ceremony somewhere accessible (registry office for example) then move to your unique venue for the reception / party

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/05/2018 17:35

Look at other venues. You haven’t found the right one yet.

I thought public buildings had to have disabled access?

LouHotel · 06/05/2018 17:35

Is there seriously no accessibility? If its something like a lighthouse i understand but there is a crack down on old buildings getting around the clause in the disability act.

I am surprised mumsnetters think your out of order considering he's not part of your life. I would suggest that it would be cruel to invite him if he cant access but its also cruel to walk out on your children. I just wouldnt invite him.

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