Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick a wedding venue that I know FIL can't access?

104 replies

sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 17:22

Dp and I are looking at wedding venues.

At the moment we've narrowed it down to 2 that look the nicest for us/most promising.

One is a hotel so will do everything there which makes it a bit easier for organisation but this of course just jack the price up a bit. With it being a hotel, we have to use all their suppliers for food etc and its a bit 'fancier' than we would like. But it is fully accessible and FIL is in a full wheelchair so he would be able to take part in the whole day if we chose it.

The second venue is quite unique, very 'us' and very affordable. Everything has to be organised separately so lots of opportunities to DIY and make it our own. However, the place where the actual ceremony would take place is up a steep set of stairs so FIL would not be able to access it.

DP and FIL don't have a close relationship. He (FIL) left when Dp was 8 and they have not been in much contact ever since, in fact last time they saw each other was 5 years ago for SIL's wedding. DP said he isn't fussed about inviting him at all but I think he will regret it in the end if he isn't invited.

I'm really leaning towards venue 2. In almost every way it is ideal, except for the access. But is it reasonable to make big adjustments and pay a lot more money just so FIL can attend? I've never actually met him so, while I want to include him, I really don't know!

Wibu to book a venue I know he can't access?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 06/05/2018 18:07

This man is not part of your life, you've never even met him. He's not really part of your fiance's life either, they last clapped eyes on each other 5 years ago at your SIL's wedding. How long before that wedding did they last meet? I'm guessing years again.

"DP said he isn't fussed about inviting him at all but I think he will regret it in the end if he isn't invited."
WHY do you think he would regret it? I suspect you're comparing it to a completely different relationship. The relationship between your fiance and his dad - I'm not sure he'd regret never seeing him again, let alone not having this near-stranger at his wedding. Have you considered tht he may regret having him at the wedding?

ethelfleda · 06/05/2018 18:07

Can't FIL just be invited to the reception??

ButtermilkBiscuits · 06/05/2018 18:08

Why would you even bother inviting him if you know he won't have access? You sound very hateful OP. Confused

IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 18:12

so if we didn't invite him it would NOT be because of his disability at all

If that was true you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place.

It's really very simple. You decide whether he is invited or not, then based on that you know whether you need an accessible venue or not.

But that isn't what you are doing. You are going to invite him if its easy and doesn't cost you anything, and not invite him if the venue matters more. At least be honest about it.

Notasunnybunny · 06/05/2018 18:16

I’d go for the venue of your choice, then think if you will even be inviting him, then IF you decide to invite him and IF he accepts the invite discuss the logistics. I’m sure a group could carry him, he may be perfectly happy to arrive later and just enjoy the meal etc. He clearly isn’t someone who likes to be closely involved in his kid’s lives so will probably not bat an eye at missing the boring bit. Imagine if you plan the whole day around him and he decides not to come.

I think this would a completely different scenario if it was about someone who would otherwise be on your must have list, but not for a ‘maybe’

ethelfleda · 06/05/2018 18:16

I don't think you seem hateful OP. Quite the opposite. But if I were you and there was no way around it (and no other venue that ticks all the boxes) I just wouldn't invite him and go for your dream venue. It's your wedding day - your FIL may not even be that bothered about going anyway. Book the place you love.

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 18:25

I think the last time they saw each other before SIL's wedding was about 3 years before that.

I don't think he would regret him being there but I just don't think he cares either way.

I think maybe I need to take what I think completely out of the equation and just leave it up to Dp, then make a decision from there. The idea of my DF not being at my wedding breaks my heart but DP and FIL don't have the same kind of relationship. Actually, I'm not sure I would want my DF there if he had behaved the way FIL has to Dp.

It has occured to me that if we DO invite FIL and then he just doesn't want to attend it may be even more detrimental to Dp and their relationship than not inviting him at all.

OP posts:
BarefootMe · 06/05/2018 18:35

If he has been out of contact for ages, go ahead and have the venue you want. You could explain to him if you want, that unfortunately the actual ceremony is up some stairs but you will all soon be able to be together for the reception afterwards. As he has had only a distant relationship with your DP this is OK. If it had been an involved father and a close relationship, it would be different. I don't think you should change the place you get married around this man, but yourselves. If he does feel put out, he only has himself to blame for not being more of a father, which he must be well aware of already.

rookiemere · 06/05/2018 18:38

I think you're right OP. It would be a huge slap in the face to your DP if you did invite FIL and picked the venue accordingly and then he didn't bother turning up.

FIL has had plenty of opportunity to be present in his DS's life and not taken them. It is your DP's decision to make and it sounds like he has made it already - but worth giving him a little time to consider if that is possible.

BarefootMe · 06/05/2018 18:38

Actually the other posters are right - why invite him? 'Celebrate' with him some time afterwards, if that is wanted by the father.
Good luck, I really hope you have a beautiful wedding centred around yourselves, not some uninvolved relative.

seventh · 06/05/2018 18:41

I just think that, in time, Dp might look back and regret it if his Dad wasn't at his wedding.

Then you can't use Venue 2

GreenTulips · 06/05/2018 18:43

My father did similar

Wasn't invited to any wedding

Never met the grandchildren

None of us regret it

ellsbells2 · 06/05/2018 18:43

Could you not get married at the local registry office and then have your reception at venue 2?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/05/2018 18:47

You're talking about the ceremony venue, right? Would it be possible to have your FiL at the reception venue and send him an invite to there instead? That way he can still accept/decline the invite but he does get and invite to the weddingish

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 06/05/2018 18:47

I think you need to decide on your guest list first. If nearly FIL is on it then you need to find another venue.

FowlisWester · 06/05/2018 18:48

plenty of buildings aren't disabled friendly... It often depends on listed status. And there are quite simply certain places such as castle where it is impossible to allow wheelchair access in all areas. I can think of a few with spiral staircases that are barely wide enough for an adult.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2018 18:49

The needs of a parent, who abandoned their child doesn’t deserve the consideration of entirely dictating the venue of your wedding. I think you should pick the venue you want. Then decide whether or not to invite your fil. It’s only the ceremony, which is inaccessible and either he can see it streamed or be carried up and back down. If you were undecided and the whole venue weren’t accessible, that would be different. Is the loo fully wheelchair accessible? That’s very important to find out too.

Lalliella · 06/05/2018 18:49

Ignore Buttermilk and the other judgers OP, of course you’re not being hateful, you’re being considerate in trying to find a solution. You should have the wedding you want. If you decide to invite FIL2B you can explain the issue to him, sounds like he’d only miss the ceremony which could be live-streamed to him, and he could take part in the reception. I really don’t see an issue with that. Whether or not you invite him is a different question altogether I think, his disability shouldn’t come into that decision, that should be decided based on his relationship, or lack of it, with DH2B.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2018 18:50

Good point Watcha.

IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 18:52

gnore Buttermilk and the other judgers OP, of course you’re not being hateful, you’re being considerate in trying to find a solution

she's not though, she's weighting up how nice the venue is against the inconvenience of a wheelchair Hmm

MiddleClassProblem · 06/05/2018 18:55

I don’t think it’s unreasonable given that they only saw each other 5 years ago and at SIL’s wedding too.

It sounds that they don’t have much contact. Just because they are bio related doesn’t give FIL and extra reason to be there.

Having said that it has to be a firm decision from DP. He has to be sure one way or the other and if he’s wavering in between then I’d count that as still inviting FIL and making it accessible.

cunningartificer · 06/05/2018 18:56

Garden venue? What if it rains? Lots of diy could end up being quite stressful, sorting out caterers etc not quite as much fun... even with a hotel venue there’s lots of chances to put in your own touches. If you like venue one a lot—and you’re really deliberating between them, and money is not the factor that decides for you, then I’d go for that, save the hassle, and have zero guilt (along with a dry wedding organised by people who do it all the time).

Gazelda · 06/05/2018 18:58

Tricky.
But even if you get DP to decide whether or not to invite his DF, it's already clear that the second venue is your fave.
I don't think you can get away from the fact that you've narrowed your choice down to 'venue or DF'.
Are you sure there aren't any other venues?

Foodylicious · 06/05/2018 18:59

I think it would be reasonable to put picking the venue on hold for a week and give DP a week to finalise his side of the invite list.

I think it should be his decision re invite or not.
Then a separate joint decision on venue.

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 19:02

Cunning, the only issue I have with the hotel venue (other than the extra cost) is that it is on a cliff top and for safety reasons with DS I'm not sure it will be suitable either, but we have to actually visit it to know for sure as the pictures could be a bit misleading. The idea of having everything 'done' for us is nice, but its a lot more money.

The garden venue has an alternative in case of bad weather (which is accessible) but it is too small to accomodate all 50 so that's why we were keen on the outside venue. Plus it's just beautiful, in a lovely wood and the wedding will be when all the bluebells are out Grin

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread