To pick a wedding venue that I know FIL can't access?

[sharkirasharkira]

Dp and I are looking at wedding venues.

At the moment we've narrowed it down to 2 that look the nicest for us/most promising.

One is a hotel so will do everything there which makes it a bit easier for organisation but this of course just jack the price up a bit. With it being a hotel, we have to use all their suppliers for food etc and its a bit 'fancier' than we would like. But it is fully accessible and FIL is in a full wheelchair so he would be able to take part in the whole day if we chose it.

The second venue is quite unique, very 'us' and very affordable. Everything has to be organised separately so lots of opportunities to DIY and make it our own. However, the place where the actual ceremony would take place is up a steep set of stairs so FIL would not be able to access it.

DP and FIL don't have a close relationship. He (FIL) left when Dp was 8 and they have not been in much contact ever since, in fact last time they saw each other was 5 years ago for SIL's wedding. DP said he isn't fussed about inviting him at all but I think he will regret it in the end if he isn't invited.

I'm really leaning towards venue 2. In almost every way it is ideal, except for the access. But is it reasonable to make big adjustments and pay a lot more money just so FIL can attend? I've never actually met him so, while I want to include him, I really don't know!

Wibu to book a venue I know he can't access?

Dp says he really isn't bothered about him being there. He was only at SIL's wedding because she wanted him there and specifically invited him. I just think that, in time, Dp might look back and regret it if his Dad wasn't at his wedding.

They don't hate each other (at least I don't think they do!) its just that FIL has always been quite apathetic and not really bothered about maintaining contact.

Fwiw, my DS is disabled (although not in a wheelchair) so if we didn't invite him it would NOT be because of his disability at all.

Choose the venue you want; given he hardly sounds the doting father.

That’s really shit. If you don’t want him there don’t invite him. To invite him and exclude him from parts of the day including the most important bit because of a disability is just shitty. And believe me if your guests notice they will think it’s shitty too.

Is there a chance, seeing as he and your fiancé aren't close, that he wouldn't attend regardless of whether he can access a venue or not?

If they've not seen each other for five years then it seems silly to spend extra to accommodate him and then find that he sends his regrets.

I think that you should find somewhere else that's more 'you' and is also accessible. It's VU to have a ceremony that your partner's dad can't even attend. Unless they've had a major falling out, I think you would be wrong to not even invite him.

But what if the FIL who has hardly been a devoted parent decides not to come?
Do what YOU both want, OP. If it would suit you better to have venue 2, then do it. It's only the ceremony, not the whole day that he can't access, and you could live stream, as you've said. Most guests can't see much of the ceremony, anyway, unless front row seats.

This is a tough one and I think the wheelchair is a red herring. (I'm in a wheelchair myself).

I'll tell you what happened with our wedding... we are from different countries. Neither embassy was giving us leave to stay with each other until we could produce a marriage certificate. This was 20 years ago. My family and DH's dad and half siblings were in my country. DH's mum was in his home country.

We planned a quick registry office wedding. DH' s mum refused to fly over. Ticketa bought, accommodation sorted.... just refused.

By this point I had never met her but she brought up DH so how bad could she be? We made the decision that there would be NO family if she can't make it and we had two friends as witnesses. We thought at the time it was the fair option.

It ruined our relationship with DH's dad's side and 20 years later I can honestly say we made the wrong decision. MIL was a narcissistic bordeline personality alcoholic who made our lives hell for a few years.

We have since become a lot closer to his dad's side, but there was a lot of hurt and resentment to overcome.

If he hasn't seen his dad in 5 years, then don't bother. Do what you would like. I have (and I know DH too) have regretted out decision for a long time.

DP and FIL don't have a close relationship. He (FIL) left when Dp was 8 and they have not been in much contact ever since, in fact last time they saw each other was 5 years ago for SIL's wedding. DP said he isn't fussed about inviting him at all
...

but I think he will regret it in the end if he isn't invited

What has he said about you inviting him? I’d be pissed off if someone else thought they knew better than me how I’d feel.

I'm really leaning towards venue 2. In almost every way it is ideal, except for the access. But is it reasonable to make big adjustments and pay a lot more money just so FIL can attend? I've never actually met him so, while I want to include him, I really don't know!

No. Book the venue YOU want and don’t invite a man that abandoned his son when he was 8 and that’s he’s barely seen since.

It’s not about his disability, it’s about his attitude to his son.

Perhaps he and chair can be lifted upstairs if only for short time. Not ideal.

if we didn't invite him it would NOT be because of his disability at all.

Not inviting him is absolutely fine. But inviting him and having him excluded because of his disability is wrong. If he isn’t invited that’s his just deserts for being a shitty Dad. But his disability is not his fault, no matter how rubbish a Dad he was. So you can’t invite him and exclude him from large parts. That would be punishing him for having a disability rather than his poor parenting.

To do that is more horrible that not inviting him at all! It doesn’t matter if he’s an absolute arse, you two are the ones that are going to look awful in everyone else eyes, when they see the father of the groom sitting at the bottom of a set of stairs. What if he is an arse and does the ’poor me’ drama, when he arrives? What if he expects to be carried up the stairs, as happened to a granny, when the young couple hadn’t realised the lift wasn’t working if the restaurant they had booked for a christening? I can understand you have a budget, so I think you would be best saying to the man that there is no wheelchair access, but he’s welcome to the function later or not invite him at all.

I think DH2B should stop shrugging and make a decision. If he can't decide whether or not to invite his DDad, you'll have your work cut out planning everything else on your own.

Hmm when i read the first bit i was shocked you would even ask, but then i read you have never met him and you fiance hasnt spoke to him in 5 years. I would say pick whichever venue you want but dont invite him if you pick the inaccessible one because i think being excluded from certain parts is unfair.

It's not a public building, its a garden, which is accessed by a set of stairs so really not accessible for his type of wheelchair. No way to add a ramp. There won't be any other guests this is an issue for (no elderly, etc), its going to be quite a small wedding (less than 50 people).

It's only the garden where the ceremony would be held that is inaccessible. The rest would be completely fine.

It is possible that FIL may not come anyway as it would involve some travel (he doesn't live in the same county) but he did travel for SIL's wedding. Its an awkward situation!

Not inviting your FIL could completely end the already fragile relationship your DP has with his father, so personally I wouldn't be as quick as others to book a non accessible venue.

Have you asked venue 2 if they have any suggestions on how they could remedy the access issue? You never know they might be able to do something, certainly no harm asking.

I wouldn't invite FIL without Dp's approval first either way. At the end of the day, FIL is his Dad and its his decision regardless of what I would choose because I have a completely different and very close relationship with my family so I have to be respectful of his feelings about the subject.

I don't think it's fair to compare this thread to the previous one.

The OP in that thread was a part of the family, the man in this thread left the family and hasn't been seen for five years, and it sounds like he's happy that way.

OP I think you should let your DH decide what he wants, and you say he's not bothered about inviting his Dad.

He may come to regret not inviting him, but he might not. On the other hand you both may regret spending more money on a venue you're not completely happy with and which is less 'you' just to accommodate someone your DH isn't really bothered about having there.

Your update says you're having less than 50 people. I'd say that your DP ought to sit down and seriously think about whether his absent DF makes it into his top 25 favourite people. If not, don't invite him.

This is horrible

My dad couldn’t make my brothers wedding for similar reasons

Make me feel so sad reading this

If you invite him he needs to be able to access all of the day. To exclude anyone because of their disability is just shit.

Could he and wheelchair be carried up the stairs? Part of my sister's wedding was on the beach, we have a fabulous picture of my grandma laughing her head off as she's carried down by 4 hulking kiwi boys. If its just a few steps surely its possible to get him in. Whether your OH wants him is a different matter, obviously.

OP you are being very thoughtful and respectful of your DHs feelings

A father leaving and having little contact is soul destroying for a small child. If he's not bothered then there's no reason to even consider access to the venue.

He may well be looking for a good reason not to invite his father. The steps will just be a good reason to not ask him.

Those saying you're horrible will be those who've had the love and respect guidance and a shoulder to cry on all their childhood.

Your husband hasn't.

Depends on whether you /DP want an ongoing relationship with FIL I’d say.

Having a wedding venue that you know he physically can’t get to because of his wheelchair would surely be damaging to any relationship - after all, if you really wanted him there, you’d pick somewhere wheelchair friendly. I’d guess most wheelchair users in this sort situation would perceive it as a snub and feel hurt or angry, even if they were polite about it.

Question is how much you / DP care about that, given what you’ve written about the relationship between DP & FIL.
It’s really something you need to discuss with your DP, isn’t it? He needs to make a decision about whether or not he wants to invite his dad before you decide whether to book the wheelchair friendly / unfriendly venue.

Essentially if you pick the garden venue you're ruling out FIL attending the ceremony at all. Only you know your partner well enough to judge if it's a decision he's truly comfortable to make at this stage.

FWIW we picked an accessible venue for a relative who in the end couldn't come, but it wasn't a compromise, it was a great council run venue so was super cheap (for a wedding venue) and we could do what we wanted!

Go with your preferred venue and offer to live stream it to your FIL in another part of the venue, if he comes?