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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pick a wedding venue that I know FIL can't access?

104 replies

sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 17:22

Dp and I are looking at wedding venues.

At the moment we've narrowed it down to 2 that look the nicest for us/most promising.

One is a hotel so will do everything there which makes it a bit easier for organisation but this of course just jack the price up a bit. With it being a hotel, we have to use all their suppliers for food etc and its a bit 'fancier' than we would like. But it is fully accessible and FIL is in a full wheelchair so he would be able to take part in the whole day if we chose it.

The second venue is quite unique, very 'us' and very affordable. Everything has to be organised separately so lots of opportunities to DIY and make it our own. However, the place where the actual ceremony would take place is up a steep set of stairs so FIL would not be able to access it.

DP and FIL don't have a close relationship. He (FIL) left when Dp was 8 and they have not been in much contact ever since, in fact last time they saw each other was 5 years ago for SIL's wedding. DP said he isn't fussed about inviting him at all but I think he will regret it in the end if he isn't invited.

I'm really leaning towards venue 2. In almost every way it is ideal, except for the access. But is it reasonable to make big adjustments and pay a lot more money just so FIL can attend? I've never actually met him so, while I want to include him, I really don't know!

Wibu to book a venue I know he can't access?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/05/2018 19:03

His dad sounds a poor excuse for a father. I wouldn't invite him, regardless of venue. He hasn't been interested in his son. He hasn't loved him or cared for him. He doesn't deserve to be there.

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 19:05

At the end of the day, it will be Dp's decision whether to invite him or not. If he wants to invite him to the whole day then we will have to either pick a different venue or make sure he can be included as I agree it will be mean to invite him to something he can't physically access.

The hotel is also lovely, its just that it would stretch our budget right to the edge! There are other venues but due to several other reasons we are limited in the places we can choose.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2018 19:07

IronMan
I imagine if ops fil2b had been in her fiancés life, the garden venue wouldn’t even be an option. It’s not about the inconvenience of a wheelchair. It’s about trying to give her dp the option of inviting his father if he decides to at a later date.

I wouldn’t go for the hill top if you are concerned about your ds.

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 19:08

Hollow, personally, I agree. But I want Dp to be happy - he has a tendancy to hide his true emotions and I don't want him to have any regrets. He doesn't talk much about his Dad but I know his lack of interest still hurts him even all these years later. He just pretends it doesn't.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2018 19:09

I feel sorry for your dh. Whether or not he invites his father, the relationship is unlikely to change.

CheerfulMuddler · 06/05/2018 19:09

Your DP only gets to invite 25ish people. Are you sure DF deserves one of those spaces?

You're worried that he'll regret it if he doesn't invite him. Maybe he'll regret not having the wedding he wanted to accommodate this man more?

I think this isn't your decision to make, OP. I think you tell him that you're happy with either decision, and you're willing to have the wedding in a hotel if he wants. And if he says actually, I'd rather have the wedding I want, you accept that. And no, it doesn't make you a terrible person. It makes DFiL a terrible father.

HollowTalk · 06/05/2018 19:11

How about his mum? How would she feel about her ex being there?

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 06/05/2018 19:17

Future FIL left family when your DP was 8 years old. Little contact then = father's/adult's choice.
Subsequently, they don't have a close relationship.
They've met twice within a period of 8 years.
The decision regarding to invite, or not, needs to be your DP's.
For the rest of your wedding - the choices made must be what you and your DP would like - choose Venue 2
If future FIL is invited, and accepts, there will be a solution to the wheelchair access problem.
Hope you & your DP have a lovely dayFlowers

ginandbearit · 06/05/2018 19:21

How difficult would it be for Fil to be asssisted to the inaccessible place ? If you chose the venue you really like and also "do the right thing" by inviting Fil but explain he will need assistance getting there ..can he be carried or helped in some way ? Not the most dignified thing I know but unless there are health and safety issues around access etc it may be an option .

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 19:22

She is fine with it Hollow, he was at SIL's wedding with his wife and it wasn't an issue.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/05/2018 19:36

In your dh's shoes I wouldn't want my absent, disinterested father there, especially a small intimate wedding. Every other guest will be someone that is very close to you, then there will be dh's father, a virtual stranger, with accompanying bad emotions.

And I would feel even worse if this let-down for a parent meant that I started married life in a worse financial situation for spending much more on my wedding.

I doubt DH will regret not inviting him, but if he does, then I'm sure he can cope with a negative emotion, you can't plan everything around fear of feeling regret.

I think the chance of him regretting inviting him is actually much higher! Esp in three years when you need that extra money for something and you realise you haven't seen FIL since...

PoorYorick · 06/05/2018 19:39

If you're going to invite him, then choose a venue where he can actually be there for the important bit because that's presumably what you want him there for.

If you don't want to invite him, you can do whatever you like.

OlennasWimple · 06/05/2018 19:42

Separate out the decisions

First reach agreement on whether you are inviting FIL to attend? Is he going to come if invited?

If the answer is yes, then you need to find a venue that can accommodate him. Keep looking!

If you aren't inviting him, then you can go for whatever venue you want. It would be shitty not to invite him just to have the garden venue, but it sounds as if there are plenty of other reasons not to ask him to share your day

MojoMoon · 06/05/2018 19:43

Your husband to be doesn't want to invite him

Why do you think you know better than him? You've never met the man. You haven't experienced his childhood

Your wedding isn't a "perfect day" that suddenly will be so beautiful that all family resentment disappears. Stop worrying that your husband will regret it. He might, he might also regret the colour of his tie or his choice of main course at some point in the future and that will be OK. Your future marriage is not dependent on this being a perfect day.

What if you guilt trip him into inviting his father and he comes but is his usual crap self and your husband regrets inviting him? Why not focus on that possible regret?

DartmoorDoughnut · 06/05/2018 19:46

Can you hire something like this and go with the venue you love?

www.rollaramp.co.uk

GoJohnnyGoGoGoGo · 06/05/2018 19:48

I attended a wedding that sounds like venue 2. The grooms Dad is also in a wheel chair. DS1 played up so I slipped out with him and took him into a courtyard outside and found the grooms dad sat outside too. His dad was clearly upset that he couldn't see his son get married. It always stayed with me and I've never understood why they chose the venue knowing it would exclude him.

Iflyaway · 06/05/2018 19:48

They don't hate each other (at least I don't think they do!)

So, you are marrying a man you do not really know. Or he refuses to talk about it.... (I get it, I have a relationship with someone who refuses to talk about his dad, won't be marrying him anytime soon or ever.
We have a kid each.

You don't mention any children. Whether you have them already or in your future.

Why would you want to continue the secret for your kids to have to deal with?

This is SO MUCH MORE than a fucking wedding venue!...

Ginger1982 · 06/05/2018 19:56

So venue 2 can't accommodate all your guests if it rains anyway?? What would you expect your guests to do in that situation?Sounds like it's unsuitable for all sorts of reasons.

blaaake · 06/05/2018 20:12

YANBU. Fuck him. Book the venue you both want; it's your FIL's own fault for having no relationship with his son. If he was a better person maybe you'd both care about whether he could be present.

Camelsinthegobi · 06/05/2018 20:36

Have the wedding you want and don’t invite him. I say this as we invited my FIL who also abandoned DH when young and didn’t bother with him at all. He came and every time i see him on the photos he annoys me because he still doesn’t bother with DH and has caused so much pain.

RavenWings · 06/05/2018 20:40

The first decision is whether or not to invite him. Then the venue comes after that.

If you think not inviting him based on the venue being inaccessible would work, it really wouldn't. There are a million venues you could use.

At the same time, there is no reason you have to invite him (as father and son aren't close) and no reason to choose the accessible venue over the other if you aren't inviting him.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 06/05/2018 20:42

My instinct is to say this is incredibly unreasonable but only you know your DH's relationship and what it would mean. I do think that you have to be prepared though for other family members to be upset on FIL's behalf.

Is there definitely no other venue option?

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 06/05/2018 21:19

Ifly we don't have kids together and aren't going to have any so it's a non issue.

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 06/05/2018 21:24

@ MyOtherUsernameisaPun
"be prepared though for other family members to be upset on FIL's behalf"
On a score of 1 to 10 - how upset do you think these other family members were for the OP's DP and his sibling(s) when their father left, and, subsequently, "shirked off" his paternal responsibilities all those years ago?

SimonBridges · 07/05/2018 13:18

The needs of a parent, who abandoned their child doesn’t deserve the consideration of entirely dictating the venue of your wedding.

Exactly this. He made the choice to not be part of DPs life so bollocks to him.

As a side note I didn’t think you could get married outside in the uk.