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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Late parents

125 replies

Basta · 06/05/2018 14:57

My parents live c.600 miles away so I don't see them often. They were recently staying with my brother and sister-in-law, relatively close to where I live. We agreed to meet somewhere mutually convenient. They eventually turned up over an hour late (after a shortish journey), clearly having factored no extra time for either traffic, parking or finding the place we were due to meet in an unfamiliar area. I was waiting this whole time, having set off early in order not to keep them waiting (i.e. I was not just sitting waiting in the comfort of my own home).

They arrived, I made it known I was pissed off, they refused to apologise (on the grounds they didn't know in advance that there would be delays), I lost it (mainly at the lack of apology) and left. I then texted to apologise for raising my voice, but didn't go back to meet them as I was so upset.

To put it in context, my mother generally allows masses of extra time so as not to be late to "important" meetings, so I felt that I was deemed not to warrant this courtesy.

Also for context, I was not in a good place emotionally as a) was having v bad time at work and b) they were down (for several weeks)to meet new grandchild and I am infertile and childless (also unhappily single). They were both well aware of all this background and my unhappiness.

Several weeks later my dad is still cross with me and will take no responsibility for the situation. He can be very stubborn and obstinate, antagonistic, and is not averse to arguing with people, yet conveniently ignores these traits in his assertion that IWVU and he is blameless.

I have accepted that I over-reacted and said as much to him, but would like some acknowledgement of what caused my reaction - i.e. both my state of mind, and my parents' lateness, i.e. mitigating factors. I would also like my parents to take some responsibility for their lateness which I don't believe was unavoidable. My dad, however, is taking the line that my "behaviour" is unforgivable, completely ignoring the beam in his own eye, as it were.

Should I be wearing a hair shirt for ever more, or can I comfort myself (even if there's no concession from my parents) that there was some understandable cause and effect here?

OP posts:
Userplusnumbers · 06/05/2018 15:04

The problem with delays is that they are generally unavoidable, and you can't plan for them. Leave an hour, get delayed for two, still an hour late.

Sounds like you actually have an awful lot going on in your life, and this was the straw that broke the camels back. I think there is some cause and effect, the question is, why is it bothering you so much? It's not because of the lateness, and an apology for that single incident won't help you feel better.

I'd suggest talking to someone (professionally) to he'll you unpick everything OP

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 06/05/2018 15:05

TABU for not apologising and being late.

Not their fault you're infertile and single do YABU on that.

No idea what beam in his eye or hair shirt is.

resetEntries · 06/05/2018 15:13

You're taking your unhappiness out on your parents.

They deserve an apology.

I'm never late and am annoyed when others are but you completely over reacted.

Original poster
Basta · 06/05/2018 15:14

The problem with delays is that they are generally unavoidable, and you can't plan for them. Leave an hour, get delayed for two, still an hour late.

I agree, but you can plan for the whole journey taking longer than just the driving part. It seems they didn't allow any extra time at all, even though they didn't know the area and even though they typically leave early for things.

Not their fault you're infertile and single do YABU on that.

No, obviously not their fault, but I meant they could perhaps have been a bit more forgiving given the circumstances, especially several weeks after the event when everyone has had the chance to calm down.

The "beam" (biblical allusion) is my dad's contention that he would never do such a terrible thing as start an argument. Hmm

Very helpful answer "Userplusnumbers", thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Basta · 06/05/2018 15:15

They deserve an apology.

And they got one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Basta · 06/05/2018 15:18

I think there is some cause and effect, the question is, why is it bothering you so much? It's not because of the lateness, and an apology for that single incident won't help you feel better.

No, perhaps not the lateness per se. The lack of care or thought.

OP posts:
resetEntries · 06/05/2018 15:19

"They deserve an apology.

And they got one."

Yes. Sorry.

So ... now you're waiting for an apology for them being late. This isn't cause and effect and that makes an apology worthless. I'm sorry you made me angry is stupid.

You over reacted and are prolonging any bad feeling. This is all on you.

teaandtoast · 06/05/2018 15:20

Well, the thing is, you have apologised for your reaction and they haven't apologised for their lateness. Even if it's unavoidable, it's surely a natural reaction to apologise?

It's like they maybe don't see you as an independent adult who actually warrants an apology. Would they apologise to their friends in a similar situation?

OverTheHedgeHammy · 06/05/2018 15:23

If you're late, you apologise. It's really that simple. They were late, they should have apologized. REGARDLESS of whether there were things they couldn't have planned for.

But, in all honesty, it sounds like they would have been late, no matter what. It's the unexpected circumstances that made them as later than they would have been. So there is a likely quite a lot of guilt in their reaction. They knew they were going to be a bit late, but would never have dreamed of being 1 hour late. They're annoyed with themselves but covering it up, so you're not allowed to be annoyed with them. Very common, and bloody annoying.

And they've been near you for several weeks and haven't seen you yet? That's appalling. They're so focused on their grandchild that they've ignored you, which has possibly added to their feelings of guilt - which quite frankly they deserve to feel guilty.

Sorry you're going through the mill OP.

fc301 · 06/05/2018 15:24

Firstly can i say that I have so much sympathy for you OP. You weren't blameless and you are big enough to admit that and apologise...
If this is a one off you did overreact.
However if this forms part of a consistent ongoing pattern (as it does for me) it is like a slap in the face. It shouts you are not important enough for us to make the effort.
I imagine you had a miserable hour imagining all the good times they had been having with their GC.

That they are still now unable to comprehend what your feelings are is VERY revealing.

Original poster
Basta · 06/05/2018 15:26

So ... now you're waiting for an apology for them being late... You over reacted and are prolonging any bad feeling. This is all on you.

Are you my dad? Hmm I don't think an over reaction (which I have acknowledged) completely negates fault on the other side. But you, and my father, evidently disagree.

Even if it's unavoidable, it's surely a natural reaction to apologise? It's like they maybe don't see you as an independent adult who actually warrants an apology. Would they apologise to their friends in a similar situation?

That's exactly it. And yes, of course they would (as I pointed out to them at the time).

OP posts:
speakout · 06/05/2018 15:28

You are being mean OP.

fc301 · 06/05/2018 15:29

If it helps I was in my forties before I realised that my parents claim to caring about me was bullshit. A mirage that only lasted while I toed the line.
After a similar seemingly trivial blow up I spent 18 months trying to explain my point of view and hurt feelings. I had to give up. They couldn't or wouldn't get it, particularly if it meant admitting wrongdoing.

fc301 · 06/05/2018 15:31

OP is NOT being mean. For complex understandable reasons she was deeply hurt by her DPs thoughtlessness. I think an emotional reaction is entirely valid.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 06/05/2018 15:32

I can see your point.

Are they generally caring? I'm getting the impression they're not, otherwise it would have been much easier for you to be Hmm at them but then let it go. Do you feel second best often?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2018 15:34

In one way it is on you because you're never going to change your Dad's mind, so the only thing you can do is change your responses to his behaviour (and your mum's).
Hopefully you can get some counselling to help you do that, and to help you in general to come to terms with your situation in life, since it's making you unhappy.

But no, it's not on you that he refuses to apologise - he's being a dick and yes they have demonstrated that you didn't count as an "important" meeting, so that is hurtful. They won't see it like that, of course, because that would involve them being Wrong, which they won't admit to or apologise for (can you tell I have people like this in my life too?)

So your choice here is to accept that they are insensitive thoughtless twats who are Never Wrong, get over that and try and smooth things over; or to decide that they are insensitive thoughtless twats who are Never Wrong and have hurt you badly enough that you'd rather not see them again for a while.

You have nothing further to apologise for - you've done it already. But still, your call where it goes from here.

Thanks to you - it's not easy.

Original poster
Basta · 06/05/2018 15:36

@OverTheHedgeHammy - thanks, another really helpful and thought-provoking reply, along with @Userplusnumbers which I failed to bold earlier and @fc301

You are being mean OP.

Huh? I have apologised, I have been willing to forgive and forget, and I have also tried to talk it through with my dad, but he won't let it go.

Hammy - They were down for about a fortnight - went back several weeks ago.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/05/2018 15:37

Do you want opinions or do you just want people to agree with you?

fc301 · 06/05/2018 15:38

Soup dragon do you want to help or just be shitty?...

Original poster
Basta · 06/05/2018 15:39

If this is a one off you did overreact.

Their time-keeping is not brilliant - unless it's something important, in which case oodles of extra time is factored in.

I still remember spending hours waiting for them at the end of term at (boarding) school.

OP posts:
Juells · 06/05/2018 15:40

@TryingToForgeAnewLife

No idea what beam in his eye or hair shirt is.

🙁

fc301 · 06/05/2018 15:40

OP it is worth pointing out that many people are (fortunately) from functional families.
Unfortunately it means they have little comprehension of how very badly people can really behave to their own family.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 06/05/2018 15:41

Do you feel that you matter less to them than your brother generally? Did you suspect that they deliberately left late, because it was more important to spend extra time with the new baby and you would wait?

My experience with this kind of dispute is that it never comes out of nowhere and there tends to be a long history of things which don't quite seem worth making a fuss about, leading up to what seems to be a massive overreaction but is really nothing to do with the final, trivial thing.

I have to admit that this would have made me mad too. My dad would absolutely do something similar, but he has massive tantrums if anyone else is even a minute late.

fc301 · 06/05/2018 15:41

Oh OP been there got the t shirt!
My mother 'forgot' to collect me for a boarders weekend ... WTAF!

Original poster
Basta · 06/05/2018 15:41

Do you want opinions or do you just want people to agree with you?

Like father, like daughter... However, I am starting from a position of admitting some blame.

OP posts: