Late parents

[Basta]

My parents live c.600 miles away so I don't see them often. They were recently staying with my brother and sister-in-law, relatively close to where I live. We agreed to meet somewhere mutually convenient. They eventually turned up over an hour late (after a shortish journey), clearly having factored no extra time for either traffic, parking or finding the place we were due to meet in an unfamiliar area. I was waiting this whole time, having set off early in order not to keep them waiting (i.e. I was not just sitting waiting in the comfort of my own home).

They arrived, I made it known I was pissed off, they refused to apologise (on the grounds they didn't know in advance that there would be delays), I lost it (mainly at the lack of apology) and left. I then texted to apologise for raising my voice, but didn't go back to meet them as I was so upset.

To put it in context, my mother generally allows masses of extra time so as not to be late to "important" meetings, so I felt that I was deemed not to warrant this courtesy.

Also for context, I was not in a good place emotionally as a) was having v bad time at work and b) they were down (for several weeks)to meet new grandchild and I am infertile and childless (also unhappily single). They were both well aware of all this background and my unhappiness.

Several weeks later my dad is still cross with me and will take no responsibility for the situation. He can be very stubborn and obstinate, antagonistic, and is not averse to arguing with people, yet conveniently ignores these traits in his assertion that IWVU and he is blameless.

I have accepted that I over-reacted and said as much to him, but would like some acknowledgement of what caused my reaction - i.e. both my state of mind, and my parents' lateness, i.e. mitigating factors. I would also like my parents to take some responsibility for their lateness which I don't believe was unavoidable. My dad, however, is taking the line that my "behaviour" is unforgivable, completely ignoring the beam in his own eye, as it were.

Should I be wearing a hair shirt for ever more, or can I comfort myself (even if there's no concession from my parents) that there was some understandable cause and effect here?

Well, they can't both be true statements, can they.......... You say it's that 'when talking it through' (so also not 'forgiving and forgetting') it's your Dad that 'won't let it go'....... are you sure it's not you, still trying to get a suitable apology?

It came up again after having not been spoken about, because I was meant to be going away with my dad and he now doesn't want to in case he is "subjected to" me getting cross with him (which of course he never does anything at all to provoke). So no, I wasn't angling after an apology - and both statements were true.

You lost it at them and screamed at them in public. I think that kind of makes their lateness pale into insignificance and they probably feel that apologising would be condoning your behaviour.

Re being single and subfertile. It’s very sad of course, but to expect to be treated with kid gloves because of that in every social interaction is unreasonable.

That doesn’t mean you can’t bring it with your parents when appropriate. But constantly wallowing in misery will make you a difficult person to spend time with. Particularly if it leads to frequent outbursts and unkindness.

You’re not looking at a family at the moment. Who knows if that will change. You can either spend your life being miserable and bitter about that, or you can look at the things you can do - you have freedom, you can travel, you can visit interesting places, you can socialise whenever you want and pursue interests and invest in friendships and end up with a decent, happy life worth living.

I think your parents come across quite badly here. I can understand why you were upset. The fact that your father can't says volumes.

Do you have to agree on what happened? Could you not just think they were in the wrong and they think you were and accept that?

I may have to accept that, yes. But I don't really like to be cast as "difficult, ungrateful and wholly unreasonable daughter" while they get to perform the role of "patient, generous and put-upon parents". Doesn't really engender a healthy long-term relationship.

He sounds petulant.

OP are your emotions usually inconvenient to them?

Yes, now you come to mention it. Sometimes rather than usually, I suppose.

fc301's posts are spot on here.

People who come from functional families with parents who are nice to you, just don't get it, as partly evidenced from this thread.

OP got cross with them for being late. This is a perfectly normal and understandable reaction even if it was an overreaction. In a normal family, yes people would move on, but her parents 'refusal to acknowledge her feelings and instead demand an apology from her instead demonstrates just how incredibly low down her feelings are in their list of general priorities. As did them being late to meet her in the first place.

For this reason it stings. So much that no, OP can't just 'forgive and forget' because this isn't really about them being late. It is about the fact they don't give a stuff about her, and will punish her if she pulls them up on this/doesn't pretend this isn't the case.

Narcissists scapegoat their children.

Are you generally cast a negative role by your family?

Ooh! Makes a nice change 🤣

He doesn’t want to go away with you in case he is subject to your getting cross. As I said. He’s a child. A petulant one. He’s being horrible and punishing you.

DontDribble fc301
These stories of boarding school parents are horrendous. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you’re not super close to your parents!

You lost it at them and screamed at them in public. I think that kind of makes their lateness pale into insignificance and they probably feel that apologising would be condoning your behaviour.

I didn't scream, but I was clearly angry. I'm not sure that completely erases their thoughtlessness, although perhaps it does. But if so, should they hold it against me for ever more? It's certainly convenient for them.

Yeah sort of the opposite of 'super close' dragon!

...you can travel, you can visit interesting places, you can socialise whenever you want and pursue interests and invest in friendships...

And of course people with partners and families can't travel or socialise or have friends...

They are afraid of your feelings. What does your brother say?
You don't have healthy relationship already, question is do you want to preserve what you have got. So sorry they can't be more sensitive and forgiving, but ball is in your court it seems. No point arguing, suck it up or risk a rift. It's shit. Concentrate on something you can do or enjoy

Basta - if this were just about being cross with them for being late then you were 100% unreasonable. However, it clearly isn't - it's about years' worth of little resentments and you feeling generally uncherished and misunderstood. Maybe also a little bit about you and your dad being too similar?

Dearie me, you sound incredibly hard work difficult. You said yourself that it was an unfamiliar area to them, and they were late due to traffic and not knowing where they were going. I'd have been worried about them, not angry. The fact you're still carrying this on is bizarre.

We all have shit going on in our lives. But it's not OK to make everyone else suffer because of it.

Well don’t go away with him then. He’s going to either have to face his fear or stop spending time with you.

Yes, you're right. It just feels like a way to punish me for being "naughty".

Are you generally cast a negative role by your family?

No, to be fair I don't think that's the case. That's probably my brother...

You said yourself that it was an unfamiliar area to them, and they were late due to traffic and not knowing where they were going. I'd have been worried about them, not angry. The fact you're still carrying this on is bizarre.

You're missing the point - not sure whether it's deliberate. I wasn't worried as they are perfectly capable, they were together, they had satnav, and had texted.

And, as I said, I thought it had died but my dad brought it up again.

And of course people with partners and families can't travel or socialise or have friends... hmm

Actually for most people with small children it’s extremely difficult and expensive. Even when they’re school age travel is out for a lot of people as it’s so expensive in the school holidays. And, yes, there is a lot less time to invest in yourself and your own interests and friendships and career.

TBH. You sound like a really negative person who enjoys wallowing in misery and playing the victim. You do sound difficult and draining.

Basta - if this were just about being cross with them for being late then you were 100% unreasonable. However, it clearly isn't - it's about years' worth of little resentments and you feeling generally uncherished and misunderstood. Maybe also a little bit about you and your dad being too similar?

Yes, that is perhaps the very nub of it.

fc301
Now there’s a surprise.

Cocoa
I don’t think op is the one carrying this on. I think not being able to have children is a little more than “shit going on in our lives”. As I and others have said, the overreaction wasn’t about the one event. It was about past events and a reaction to those, which may appear to be an overreaction when seen in isolation. Op felt 15 again (or whatever age).