Late parents

[Basta]

My parents live c.600 miles away so I don't see them often. They were recently staying with my brother and sister-in-law, relatively close to where I live. We agreed to meet somewhere mutually convenient. They eventually turned up over an hour late (after a shortish journey), clearly having factored no extra time for either traffic, parking or finding the place we were due to meet in an unfamiliar area. I was waiting this whole time, having set off early in order not to keep them waiting (i.e. I was not just sitting waiting in the comfort of my own home).

They arrived, I made it known I was pissed off, they refused to apologise (on the grounds they didn't know in advance that there would be delays), I lost it (mainly at the lack of apology) and left. I then texted to apologise for raising my voice, but didn't go back to meet them as I was so upset.

To put it in context, my mother generally allows masses of extra time so as not to be late to "important" meetings, so I felt that I was deemed not to warrant this courtesy.

Also for context, I was not in a good place emotionally as a) was having v bad time at work and b) they were down (for several weeks)to meet new grandchild and I am infertile and childless (also unhappily single). They were both well aware of all this background and my unhappiness.

Several weeks later my dad is still cross with me and will take no responsibility for the situation. He can be very stubborn and obstinate, antagonistic, and is not averse to arguing with people, yet conveniently ignores these traits in his assertion that IWVU and he is blameless.

I have accepted that I over-reacted and said as much to him, but would like some acknowledgement of what caused my reaction - i.e. both my state of mind, and my parents' lateness, i.e. mitigating factors. I would also like my parents to take some responsibility for their lateness which I don't believe was unavoidable. My dad, however, is taking the line that my "behaviour" is unforgivable, completely ignoring the beam in his own eye, as it were.

Should I be wearing a hair shirt for ever more, or can I comfort myself (even if there's no concession from my parents) that there was some understandable cause and effect here?

My Mum died last year. She annoyed the crap out of me on many occasions, but I'd give quite a lot to erase just some of the annoyance I felt with her and spend a bit more time with her.

She was 81; however, a good friend of my brother's wife died suddenly last January, aged 48, leaving his wife and three children bereft.

Beware the hurts you fester upon and the relationships you leave damaged.

They arrived, I made it known I was pissed off, they refused to apologise (on the grounds they didn't know in advance that there would be delays), I lost it (mainly at the lack of apology) and left. I then texted to apologise for raising my voice, but didn't go back to meet them as I was so upset.

And you still think they are wrong ?

Who is the narcissist in this scenario?

Mighty muck, cocoa just shut up if you can't say anything sensible.
Zzz is right.
Now your dad is afraid of his own unacknowleged feelings.
You said let's leave it, now he wont, but you can if you want.

It shouts you are not important enough for us to make the effort.

This is the issue i think OP. You don't feel valued. You don't feel loved.

Keep your parents at arms length - build your own network of people who love and care about you.

I hate lateness and think it was rude of them not to phone or txt to let you know! However the baby could have decided to take a massive poo which would mean total clothes change.

Yes, you're right. It just feels like a way to punish me for being "naughty".

Well actually yes, if you lose it and yell at your parents in public you have behaved badly, they do have every right to feel upset and you should feel guilty.

You seem determined to blame the fallout for your bad behaviour on them rather than being genuinely regretful you’re preoccupied with deflecting it onto them. Which is probably why your Dad doesn’t want to let go of it. Your determination to justify your behaviour just shows that you think doing that to your parents was acceptable. It wasn’t.

Caribou
Many people miss the mothers they deserve to have whether they are dead or alive.

I see you are not the daughter of a narcissist.

NewYearNewMe you obviously haven't heard the standard MN response when people are late is to pull them up on it and leave.

And then they will apparently never do it again because you set infinately reasonable boundaries...

Mighty
And of course Basta should have just put up and shut up when her parents were recurrently very late when she was a child. Undoubtedly they either failed to apologise or waffled some non apology crap. I think it is ops father, who has a long term ‘determination to justify (his unreasonable) behaviour’.

It is sensible. The advice that it’s acceptable for the OP to publicly yell and scream at her parents in public is shit advice. Or the advice to carry on wallowing in self pity rather than taking responsibility. And if the OP thinks it’s okay to go around treating people like that then she’s going to stay single. Not being able to regulate your emotions and constant negativity and self pity are not an attractive trait in a partner.

I don't want to be overly negative and I'm not shit stirring, but - deep breath - this is likely behaviour you're going to have to get used to.

My similarly dysfunctional parents went totally bonkers over the birth of their first grand child and basically ignored all my needs, wants and emotions for the subsequent five or so years. Every time I suggested I may need attention or help I was cast as needy and selfish.

I'm trying to be helpful, bear with me - I found that focusing on my own life and developing friendships, hobbies and interests of my own that had nothing to do with them helped, as did developing a relationship with my niece that had nothing to do with them.

Sympathies, it's hard, but you are not going to change them and railing about it is actually going to make you feel like the tantrumming child they're accusing you of being (even if you're not).

I totally sympathise with you about your parents. I get it, it wasn't a one off, it was part of a pattern of behaviour that confirms to you (rightly or wrongly) that they don't really care that much about your feelings - and that hurts.

You're wrong with this sarcastic remark though, in a way:

And of course people with partners and families can't travel or socialise or have friends...

Yes of course people with families can do all those things, but it's much, much harder than before children. Becoming a parent massively limits your choices. If you have lots of money it might not make so much difference, but DP and I have had our career options limited as a result of being parents, for one reason and another. We have less money and less time. All our friends have moved out of London as we can't afford family homes there so although they're still my friends - having families means we don't see each other more than about once or twice a year now.

I was so sleep deprived and skint for years after becoming a mother, my social life practically died. Only now my youngest is 5 am I starting to find my way again.

I'm going to go abroad this summer for the first time in 12 years (eldest is 9) and being a parent has so consumed my I feel sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. My body was injured in pregnancy and labour in ways that are still with me years later and make me feel like an old woman!

I know I can't possibly understand the grief of infertility and I am sorry if I am speaking out of turn. But you do have a freedom that parents of small kids don't have. I expect you would trade it in a heart beat, but that doesn't mean is doesn't exist, if you recognised it and made the most of it, maybe it would provide some tiny comfort that could help a little bit along the way to coming to terms with the situation you're in.

Mightymucks (aka Dad) Okay, I think you've made your point now. I didn't "yell and scream" but I do wish I had been able to remain calmer. In fact I was having a relatively calm discussion with my mum until she announced that they wouldn't apologise.

I wasn't worried as they are perfectly capable, they were together, they had satnav, and had texted

Hmm, if they had texted you then it wasn’t as though they just pitched up late with no warning. They still should have apologised though.

I think you reaction sounds very unpleasant and petulant and although you apologized you only did so by text. You also dragged out the drama by refusing to go back and see them which probably made the apology seem insincere and probably gave the impression you were still trying to punish them for their lateness. Even though they were late I think your reaction was over the top and I can understand why your Dad doesn’t want to apologize for being late. BTW Has your Mum apologised.

Having said all that I can understand why you feel angry and frustrated at their behavior and your Dad sounds a bit of an arse. Both your parents seem to be insensitive and thoughtless.

I’m not sure holding out for an apology is the best plan. Wouldn’t you prefer to put this behind you.

Also, I don't "wallow in constant negativity and self-pity". I feel sad sometimes, depressed on occasion. And I definitely take advantage of my freedom, but travelling to a long list of exotic (or even unexotic) locations - which I do - does not make up for not having a family.

Mighty, where did you get yell and scream?
She said she was pissed off and left. That is a bit extreme, but maybe better than yelling. Perhaps she should have cried.
She has apologised, she would have liked some validation, it was not forthcoming.
She has said leave it then, but her dad is playing the big I am.
People in distress, or with a history don't always behave perfectly but op acknowledges her part. She maybe a bit touchy, she's got reason.
Why are you being so grumpy?

OP when they texted while en route, did the text include an apology, even just "sorry we're running late"?

I can't wrap my head around arriving over an hour late to meet someone and the first or second thing out of my mouth NOT being "Oh god, SO sorry! The traffic was horrendous, we'd have left earlier if we'd known."

It's just basic courtesy, and the fact that your parents would display it to their friends but not to you is indicative that they consider you not as an equal human being.

OP I'd recommend joining the "We took you to stately homes!" thread on the Relationships board. You will find a lot of posters there who empathise completely.

You also dragged out the drama by refusing to go back and see them which probably made the apology seem insincere and probably gave the impression you were still trying to punish them for their lateness.

It may have done, yes. However I was very upset and I basically went home and straight to bed. I was already on the bus by that point and I wasn't trying to punish anyone.

I can't wrap my head around arriving over an hour late to meet someone and the first or second thing out of my mouth NOT being "Oh god, SO sorry! The traffic was horrendous, we'd have left earlier if we'd known."

I’m not excusing them for not apologizing because clearly they should have done but if they arrived at the venue to a clearly pissed off OP then maybe that made them decide not to apologize. It really depends on how the OP was behaving. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be too forthcoming with an apology if someone ‘lost it’ with me for not apologizing. Maybe that not the correct way of handling it but I’d be thinking screw you if someone got that angry with me.

The problem with all this is that it’s your parents. ☹️

OP when they texted while en route, did the text include an apology, even just "sorry we're running late"?

No, four very brief texts, none with apology. Couple of ETAs, then a couple when they arrived. Mum did try to call, but I didn't hear my phone.

If they sent four texts then it sounds like they cared that they were keeping you waiting.

I'd do anything to have some more time with my parents - being late is such a trivial matter really in the great scheme of things. Focus on the good stuff xx

If they sent four texts then it sounds like they cared that they were keeping you waiting.

Just not enough to actually set off on time.

OP I can understand that you’re feeling got at and also that it’s difficult for you to deal with their new grandchild and your own feelings about your situation. All of that I get, and I sympathise with.

What I don’t sympathise with or even think is right is that you have an answer for everything, usually about you and your feelings, without considering anyone else’s feelings. Can you see how that would make it hard for anyone to engage with you? When you only want to hear what you’re telling them to say and won’t consider anything else?

And an apology with a “but” or “well you did....” isn’t an apology and having a hard time in your own life isn’t an excuse to take it out on anyone else.

Caribou & Gemma77
Can you not see that 'I miss my wonderful parents' are not always helpful.
They just make me sad. Some parents are not wonderful.