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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Late parents

125 replies

Basta · 06/05/2018 14:57

My parents live c.600 miles away so I don't see them often. They were recently staying with my brother and sister-in-law, relatively close to where I live. We agreed to meet somewhere mutually convenient. They eventually turned up over an hour late (after a shortish journey), clearly having factored no extra time for either traffic, parking or finding the place we were due to meet in an unfamiliar area. I was waiting this whole time, having set off early in order not to keep them waiting (i.e. I was not just sitting waiting in the comfort of my own home).

They arrived, I made it known I was pissed off, they refused to apologise (on the grounds they didn't know in advance that there would be delays), I lost it (mainly at the lack of apology) and left. I then texted to apologise for raising my voice, but didn't go back to meet them as I was so upset.

To put it in context, my mother generally allows masses of extra time so as not to be late to "important" meetings, so I felt that I was deemed not to warrant this courtesy.

Also for context, I was not in a good place emotionally as a) was having v bad time at work and b) they were down (for several weeks)to meet new grandchild and I am infertile and childless (also unhappily single). They were both well aware of all this background and my unhappiness.

Several weeks later my dad is still cross with me and will take no responsibility for the situation. He can be very stubborn and obstinate, antagonistic, and is not averse to arguing with people, yet conveniently ignores these traits in his assertion that IWVU and he is blameless.

I have accepted that I over-reacted and said as much to him, but would like some acknowledgement of what caused my reaction - i.e. both my state of mind, and my parents' lateness, i.e. mitigating factors. I would also like my parents to take some responsibility for their lateness which I don't believe was unavoidable. My dad, however, is taking the line that my "behaviour" is unforgivable, completely ignoring the beam in his own eye, as it were.

Should I be wearing a hair shirt for ever more, or can I comfort myself (even if there's no concession from my parents) that there was some understandable cause and effect here?

OP posts:

missyB1 · 06/05/2018 15:42

Sounds like your dad is just being stubborn for the sake of it. What’s your mum’s take on it all? I have adult children and would definitely have apologised, and would also be worried about you and want to keep a close relationship. I accept they were angry at your over reaction but you apologised and explained, as a mum I would then want to put things right between us.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 06/05/2018 15:42

When you are late for something it is good manners to apologise.

When you are an hour late - you really need to apologise.

It shows a lack of respect to the person you are meeting if you don't plan ahead. It's basically saying your time waiting doesn't matter.

zzzzz · 06/05/2018 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fc301 · 06/05/2018 15:44

Aren't healthy parents MEANT to care about their child's personal sadnesses?!

missyB1 · 06/05/2018 15:47

zzzz oh yes how presumptive of OP to think her parents might give a damn about her personal struggles! Are you a parent now? Because if you are then let me assure you it’s perfectly normal to still worry and care about your children even when they are adults. You don’t switch it all off when they turn 18.

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 15:47

Do you feel that you matter less to them than your brother generally? Did you suspect that they deliberately left late, because it was more important to spend extra time with the new baby and you would wait?

Perhaps not as stark as that, but certainly that it wasn't important enough to make sure they would be on time to meet me. As for mattering less than my brother, I feel I matter less as the only sibling who won't (can't) produce grandchildren, yes. But that may be unfair on my parents.

Incidentally my dad doesn't spend much time with my brother, because they fall out regularly...

OP posts:

zzzzz · 06/05/2018 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 15:50

Again, thank you. There are some really helpful answers here. Even the ones taking my parents' "side" are helpful in their own way.

OP posts:

fc301 · 06/05/2018 15:50

I must admit to personal baggage on this.
I didn't see my parents for 18 months after a blowup. The second time I met them they said they would come for lunch at noon. I said they could stay till 4.30.
They arrived at 1.40 and left at 3.15. I felt like I'd been slapped.
Silent actions say SO much about how much you are valued, or otherwise.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 06/05/2018 15:50

Perhaps they don’t care that you are subfertile or that you are single?

If I didn't care that one of my children was suffering then I wouldn't consider myself worthy of calling myself his mother.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2018 15:52

So this isn’t just about the event. It’s about recurrently feeling unimportant. And now they have visited close to your homd and not bothered about you again just because you got what they see as ott angry about their being late. They sound very immature actually. Who leaves their child, who is at boarding school waiting for hours?

Juells · 06/05/2018 15:53

I wonder if it would help (sorry if it's been mentioned already) if you explained exactly why you're so upset? If one of my children told me that they were upset because they felt they were unimportant to me, I'd feel very differently to how I'd feel if I thought they were just being cranky.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 06/05/2018 15:55

Who leaves their child, who is at boarding school waiting for hours?

It's more common than you'd think. Mine never did, because they dropped me off at 11 and didn't ever turn up again. Not for parents evenings, plays of prizegivings. When they dropped me off, they told the matron to book taxis for me when I needed them though. So that was nice.

zzzzz · 06/05/2018 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wibblywobblywoo · 06/05/2018 15:55

I have been willing to forgive and forget

but would like some acknowledgement of what caused my reaction

Well, they can't both be true statements, can they.......... You say it's that 'when talking it through' (so also not 'forgiving and forgetting') it's your Dad that 'won't let it go'....... are you sure it's not you, still trying to get a suitable apology?

It doesn't sound like it's going to be forthcoming so honestly, as others have said, move on and deal with the unhappiness you have in you, counselling, therapy, whatever you need. The explosion of emotion you experienced didn't come from your parents being late and it won't be 'fixed' by an apology for that.

Deal with what ails you, for yourself, instead of transferring all the pain onto this issue, because even if you do get the longed for 'sorry' it won't change any of your underlying issues will it.......

Tinkobell · 06/05/2018 15:56

Feels like a silly storm in a teacup really. Sorry. Aren't there bigger things to get hot under the collar about than this?

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 15:57

Those are very personal sadnesses and, no, you can’t expect everyone to put up with you having a hissy fit every time you don’t like their behaviour.

Yes, true. But they're not "everyone". (And I'm not "subfertile", I am infertile.)

OP posts:

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 06/05/2018 15:58

Seems like a massive overreaction on your part tbh. They were late - ok that's annoying and rude but you're mad if you think it's worth a feud of weeks. Accept that they don't see themselves as being in the wrong, and that unless your pride is so wounded that you simply can't let it go, you'll just have to move on.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 06/05/2018 15:58

zzzzz I've been through fertility treatment too- 8 years of it. It's no excuse to be a bitch. It isn't at all normal for a mother to not care if her child is suffering. It really isn't. That's not at all the same as finding other people's work boring (which it often is- if it was fascinating and fun they wouldn't need to pay people to do it!).

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 16:00

I wonder if it would help (sorry if it's been mentioned already) if you explained exactly why you're so upset?

I've tried. I don't think I've been "heard". It was very similar when my first nephew was born, and I didn't hear from my mum for several weeks around the birth. And also when my dad told me I was over-reacting for being so distressed about being infertile. Both instances caused big fallings out.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 06/05/2018 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 16:03

They were late - ok that's annoying and rude but you're mad if you think it's worth a feud of weeks.

It hasn't been a feud of weeks. I have spoken to both parents at length, two or three times each since, and I was willing to let it go. But it came up again last weekend when I was speaking to my dad and became clear that I was being held 100% responsible.

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 06/05/2018 16:05

From what you've written, you're acting the part of a dying duck in a thunderstorm. do you generally brood over insignificant events and over dramatise them in your mind? TBH I think you should just get past it. No one is asking you 'to wear a hair shirt' but you seem to be very demanding of an apology. You're the one that lost your rag and shouted raised your voice. Shit happens, deal with it, your parents weren't late intentionally. Stop creating drama where no drama needs to exist.

It was very similar when my first nephew was born, and I didn't hear from my mum for several weeks around the birth. not understanding the significance at all of this - was your DB/DS (whichever) incapable of calling you to announce the nephews arrival?

High maintenance people, cant deal with them at the best of times.

Missingstreetlife · 06/05/2018 16:05

If you think it will blow over, or you can deal with it later, wait till it's not so raw, and your sadness about them is not so linked to your disappointment about other issues.
Doesn't sound like you will get your apology, but maybe you will accept they are not the parents you would have chosen, have their own issues, and will have a less than perfect relationship.
If it will be forever held against you, or you can't let go, you have a painful choice. I would let some distance cool things down. Your dad is being an idiot, perhaps your mum will talk him round. Look after yourself.

fc301 · 06/05/2018 16:05

OP are your emotions usually inconvenient to them?

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