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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Late parents

125 replies

Basta · 06/05/2018 14:57

My parents live c.600 miles away so I don't see them often. They were recently staying with my brother and sister-in-law, relatively close to where I live. We agreed to meet somewhere mutually convenient. They eventually turned up over an hour late (after a shortish journey), clearly having factored no extra time for either traffic, parking or finding the place we were due to meet in an unfamiliar area. I was waiting this whole time, having set off early in order not to keep them waiting (i.e. I was not just sitting waiting in the comfort of my own home).

They arrived, I made it known I was pissed off, they refused to apologise (on the grounds they didn't know in advance that there would be delays), I lost it (mainly at the lack of apology) and left. I then texted to apologise for raising my voice, but didn't go back to meet them as I was so upset.

To put it in context, my mother generally allows masses of extra time so as not to be late to "important" meetings, so I felt that I was deemed not to warrant this courtesy.

Also for context, I was not in a good place emotionally as a) was having v bad time at work and b) they were down (for several weeks)to meet new grandchild and I am infertile and childless (also unhappily single). They were both well aware of all this background and my unhappiness.

Several weeks later my dad is still cross with me and will take no responsibility for the situation. He can be very stubborn and obstinate, antagonistic, and is not averse to arguing with people, yet conveniently ignores these traits in his assertion that IWVU and he is blameless.

I have accepted that I over-reacted and said as much to him, but would like some acknowledgement of what caused my reaction - i.e. both my state of mind, and my parents' lateness, i.e. mitigating factors. I would also like my parents to take some responsibility for their lateness which I don't believe was unavoidable. My dad, however, is taking the line that my "behaviour" is unforgivable, completely ignoring the beam in his own eye, as it were.

Should I be wearing a hair shirt for ever more, or can I comfort myself (even if there's no concession from my parents) that there was some understandable cause and effect here?

OP posts:

PrizeOik · 06/05/2018 17:59

Wait so they texted you on the way?

You sound SO difficult op.

Please for your own sake, you need to make peace with the disappointments of your life, and learn to be happy without relying on others' behavior to make your happiness possible.

Your dad is probably a lot like you which is why you find yourself at an impasse with him.

Truly, their behaviour is not going to change. You need to look at yourself. The way you acted when they arrived was stroppy to the point of comedy, surely you see that? They had text you 4 times with an ETA ffs! Why would you demand an apology?

I agree it's bad manners not to say sorry, but surely you can see that asking for an apology, then stomping off like a toddler and talking to your bed is significantly more rude??

And who cares if they think you're in the wrong? How old are you? Do you understand that it's really strange to be this off balance due to another adults opinions.

Mightymucks · 06/05/2018 18:00

She said she was pissed off and left.

She said she ‘lost it’ and had to apologise for raising her voice at them.

Mightymucks · 06/05/2018 18:07

And the thing is, meet the OPs expectations and leave enough time not to be affected by these delays, it would mean they would have to have left an hour early and if there were no delays waited an hour for her. If the OP objects to waiting for an hour for perfectly valid reasons, why does she think it’s okay for her parents to routinely turn up an hour early to see her?

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 18:08

They had text you 4 times with an ETA ffs! Why would you demand an apology?

I didn't demand an apology, I said I would have apologised if it had been me who was late, even if it wasn't my fault.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2018 18:15

"I can't wrap my head around arriving over an hour late to meet someone and the first or second thing out of my mouth NOT being "Oh god, SO sorry! The traffic was horrendous, we'd have left earlier if we'd known."

Same here! I absolutely would have done this, regardless of how pissed off the person waiting for me was, even if they were giving me full stink-eye, because I WOULD have felt guilty for keeping them waiting and for being a twat about not setting off early enough!

PrizeOik · 06/05/2018 18:15

I didn't demand an apology, I said I would have apologised if it had been me who was late, even if it wasn't my fault.

Oh, come on.

Ok let me correct myself. You expected an apology. When they had text you 4 times with eta?

And then you shouted, went home and took to your bed over it.

Surely you can see you were being absolutely petulant? What an exhausting scene to make.

Again - all your posts add up to a person who sounds like the father you describe.

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 18:16

That's a complete straw man. I don't expect them to turn up an hour early (some chance!). And in fact I caught an earlier train so as not to keep them waiting. But that's not to say they shouldn't allow some time to park and time to find the meeting place. They're bound to be late if they only allow the driving time which is what I think they did.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 06/05/2018 18:18

when I was speaking to my dad and became clear that I was being held 100% responsible

Well, that will be because you were 100% responsible.

In the first instance, I'm confused, why, if your db + SiL live quite close to you, and your parents - who you don't see often as they live 600miles away - were there for a few weeks, why you wouldn't go over there and spend some time in the first place, rather than making your parents drive to meet you, in a place they aren't used to driving in. Yes, i've read they have a new baby and you aren't able to, but surely you aren't going to shun your db, sil, and dn for the rest of their lives? I know only too well the pain of infertility, but you can't then go non contact with everyone who does have a baby.

Having then set off, later than was ideal (and when there is a new baby in the house, with the best will in the world, time planning can go out the window for a while, even if it isn't your baby), you DM contacted you 4 times on the journey to update you, s you weren't worried.
However, when they arrived, you publicly embarrassed them, raising your voice at them, and then just walked out, refusing to return.

Can you not see how ridiculously OTT this was ???
Saying "sorry" doesn't make it go away. Your behaviour was appalling. Of course YABU.

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 18:19

Ok let me correct myself. You expected an apology. When they had text you 4 times with eta?

So you're fine with people doing things that annoy you or inconvenience you or hurt you, just so long as they send you a message telling you that's what they've done?

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/05/2018 18:20

I don't believe that texting 4 times in an hour obviates the need for an apology for making that person wait an hour! It's still basic manners to apologise for being so very fucking late, even if you have let them know along the way that you're held up.

Mightymucks · 06/05/2018 18:23

They're bound to be late if they only allow the driving time which is what I think they did.

So you don’t actually know if they did leave 15 minutes for parking up/delays. They were obviously caught up in some pretty serious delays to be an hour late.

But you’ve just constructed a narrative in your head that conveniently means you can deflect blame for your outburst onto them.

Nobody wants an apology which is ‘Yes I’m sorry, but it was your fault you made me do it’.

PotTheRed · 06/05/2018 18:24

Of course the texting four times doesn’t mean they didn’t need to apologize but what it does indicate is that they cared that they were going to be late.

IronMansIronButt · 06/05/2018 18:25

Are you my dad? I don't think an over reaction (which I have acknowledged) completely negates fault on the other side. But you, and my father, evidently disagree

If you are this disagreeably to them, I can see why they are pissed off. YABVU, and owe them a proper apology, not the half assed "but its actually your fault really" one you gave them.

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 18:28

Because it wasn't possible before then for various reasons such as work. The place we met was very close to where my parents were going afterwards.

Saying "sorry" doesn't make it go away. Your behaviour was appalling. Of course YABU.

And I have said as much (that I was unreasonable) to my parents. And if my dad wants to hold a grudge for the rest of his life then there's not a lot more I can do about it.

OP posts:

PrizeOik · 06/05/2018 18:29

So you're fine with people doing things that annoy you or inconvenience you or hurt you, just so long as they send you a message telling you that's what they've done?

No... When folk inconvenience or hurt me, I try to look for signs that they didn't mean to (e.g., managing my expectations via updates).

And then I move the fuck on with my life and act like an adult and just have a normal visit with them.

Those are basic skills, they're required to live in a society of other human beings.

Do you typically get visibly stroppy with people, just because you're annoyed? Like - you honestly think that when you're annoyed, the solution is to have a tantrum? Because most adults deal with annoyance by trying to make the best of things, rather than make them exponentially worse with a tantrum.

Original poster

Basta · 06/05/2018 18:32

So you don’t actually know if they did leave 15 minutes for parking up/delays. They were obviously caught up in some pretty serious delays to be an hour late.

I don't know their exact thought process, but I know when they left, and there was no extra time allowed.

OP posts:

RedB0at0nshore · 06/05/2018 18:33

Before the days of mobile phones, it was expected that you waited until the person arrived patiently.

Smeddum · 06/05/2018 18:36

OP I think you’re looking for a row here, and you were looking for a row with your parents.

It is impossible to resolve anything with someone who has a massive chip on their shoulder and is being a martyr. Which you are, and if you spoke to your parents the way you’ve responded to posters on here I can see why they’re pissed off.

Missingstreetlife · 06/05/2018 18:47

Before mobile phones you waited 20 minutes and left feeling pissed off that you had been stood up
She said she over reacted, and apologised. How you get to tantrum and screaming I don't understand.

Jamhandprints · 06/05/2018 18:50

Sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues with your parents, and respond to them in a childish way. Quite common but difficult to accept if your an adult. But I don't know how any family could have normal relationships if they send the children away to boarding school so not really your fault you have issues with them. It sounds like you could use some counselling, not just about this, but in general.

BackforGood · 06/05/2018 19:39

How you get to tantrum and screaming I don't understand.

Maybe the fact the OP left the meeting place when her parents arrived?
Maybe the fact the OP has felt the need to apologise for having raised her voice at them?
Maybe the fact the OP refused to come back and meet them when they've travelled to meet her and she upped and left as they got there ?

PrizeOik has put it very well.

WazFlimFlam · 06/05/2018 20:13

Why are people being so obtuse regarding why the parents were late? Very often on 'late people' threads it is pretty much assumed that people are consistently late due to underestimating the time it takes to do something/get somewhere. And then not appreciating their role in their own consistent lateness/not giving a shit.

OP, you are having a hard time here and you need to put threads like this in relationships. Or you look like a mad person (I speak from experience myself…)

There is obviously more going on than a single occasion of lateness and you need people who are going to appreciate the dysfunction and hurt behind your reaction, rather than those trying to have a dig.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 06/05/2018 20:26

Do you think your parents have become accustomed to the dynamic of one 'good child' and one 'troublesome child', and now that your DB has had a child, he has become the 'good child' and you then have to become the 'troublesome child'?

fc301 · 06/05/2018 22:50

Good point Hammy I only realised what was going on when mine and my brother's 'roles' were arbitrarily reversed.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/05/2018 00:45

Hammy - the OP has indicated that there are more siblings involved, and that her Dad doesn't get on with her brother very well either. She, the OP, is the only one who is unable to provide grandchildren though, and she feels that her parents consider her to be less important as a result of this.

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