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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is it so wrong to love partners unconditionally.

113 replies

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:42

On a previous thread about loving children more than partners I was deemed " unhealthy " for saying my other half is my safe place, my rock and I wouldn't never recover if I was to ever lose him.

Why is this so wrong I didn't marry him thinking " oh I do love you but life would be ok if you left or died" I married him because he is the absolute love of my life and a beautiful person and father !

I don't think this I see this as wrong ?

OP posts:
zzzzz · 05/05/2018 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklingbrook · 05/05/2018 15:43

Did you ask on the other thread?

GreenTulips · 05/05/2018 15:43

Because you sound weak and hard work?

DuchyDuke · 05/05/2018 15:43

So you would still stay with him if he murdered someone, if he was a paedophile, if he murdered your child like that guy on the news a little while ago?

Babyplaymat · 05/05/2018 15:44

I don't see it as 100% healthy to be that dependent on anyone.

Besides, my love for DH isn't unconditional. If he turned out to be a paedophile or rapist my love for him would set up pretty quickly. My love for him is conditional on his being a decent person.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:45

No I wouldn't but it wouldn't mean I didn't love him now ? I also wouldn't stand by my children if they did any of the above.
Doesn't mean I shouldn't love them with all I have now ?

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 05/05/2018 15:45

Well unconditionally sounds a bit daft. Surely you love him on the condition that he doesn't cheat on you, harm your child, lots of other obvious things I cba outlining?

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 05/05/2018 15:45

Because unconditional means no matter what somebody does, you'll still love them.

If your husband murdered your parent or your child, would you still love him?

Maybe so. But most people would find that strange.

Dvg · 05/05/2018 15:45

i totally agree with you, i often think i would end my life if i didn't have my partner, that may be unhealthy but at the same time its just life is so shit without him in it, he makes everyday amazing and if he left or died i don't think i would know how to cope.

I know i will feel like that about my future children as well and they would then be my reason for carrying on with life if he passes on ( currently pregnant with my first)

Babyplaymat · 05/05/2018 15:46

Well then it isn't unconditional, is it? It is conditional on his being decent.

I would love my children whatever they did. I may not like them, or support them etc...but they're part of me. DH isn't.

DuchyDuke · 05/05/2018 15:46

Then you don’t love him unconditionally.

Tenpenny · 05/05/2018 15:46

Maybe it wad saying you would never recover if you ever lost him.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 05/05/2018 15:47

No I wouldn't but it wouldn't mean I didn't love him now ? I also wouldn't stand by my children if they did any of the above.

Oh. You don't understand what 'unconditionally' means. You seem to think it means 'a lot', it doesn't. Google define it and you'll understand.

Dvg · 05/05/2018 15:47

although i agree its not unconditional, i would go NC with my partner or children if they did something i deemed horrible such as murdered an innocent or something alike.

DuchyDuke · 05/05/2018 15:47

Even most decent parents won’t love unconditionally.

mimibunz · 05/05/2018 15:47

I don’t see anything wrong with it but then I feel the same about my husband. Good for us, I say!

Singlenotsingle · 05/05/2018 15:47

Yeah, why does it matter. None of us can see into the future. Who knows what might happen or what he might do. Enjoy the feeling in the meantime, and let's hope it lasts forever!

RainySeptember · 05/05/2018 15:48

Good grief some of you sound pathetic. It's entirely possible to love someone with all your heart, to truly believe that they are your soulmate and a generally wonderful person, whilst also acknowledging that, as an adult human woman, you could survive without them and be fine, maybe better than fine in time.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 05/05/2018 15:48

Pretty much everyone who is in a happy loving relationship feels like they wouldn't be able to cope or eventually recover if their OH died or left. Other than a few very strong self assured individuals.

The majority of people do cope and eventually recover (as far as is possible) and may even find happiness again. You'd be surprised what you can cope with that you'd never have anticipated being able to handle until it happens.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:48

If he cheated or left then I wouldn't be absolutely heart broken, I wouldn't forgive him but I wouldn't be able to just stop loving him.
He is the father of my children, we have spent pretty much the last 20 years with eachother so of course my whole life would turn upside down if he wasn't around.
I would also probably always love him, his been to big apart of my life to just stop that feeling.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 05/05/2018 15:49

Have you asked him if he feels the same way?
TBH your thread is pretty tiresome.

Tenpenny · 05/05/2018 15:49

Well then, that's fine?

BuntyII · 05/05/2018 15:49

Because you need to be strong for your children. What if your husband dies tomorrow and you go and throw your life away after his because you can't survive without him? What will your children do then?

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:51

I understand unconditional, you can still love someone like your children for example even if you happen not to agree with a choice they made or stand by them due to something horrible that done.
The love just doesn't disappear

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 05/05/2018 15:51

Your love for your partner SHOULD have conditions attached, otherwise you're an emotional slave rather than being in a healthy happy relationship. Other posters have given really good examples of things a partner might do which would reasonably end the partnership and your love for them. You need to have a good awareness of your own needs and priorities in any relationship and that means having boundaries about what you will and will not put up with

I found it really refreshing on the other thread to see posters with older children saying that their love for their child is not unconditional either - there are some things their child could do that would change how they feel about them