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Original poster

Why is it so wrong to love partners unconditionally.

113 replies

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:42

On a previous thread about loving children more than partners I was deemed " unhealthy " for saying my other half is my safe place, my rock and I wouldn't never recover if I was to ever lose him.

Why is this so wrong I didn't marry him thinking " oh I do love you but life would be ok if you left or died" I married him because he is the absolute love of my life and a beautiful person and father !

I don't think this I see this as wrong ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:22

*live

My phone really hates me today !

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/05/2018 16:24

No one with DC or a partner, or who loves anyone, thinks “yeah, I’d be fine if they died”. Fear of loss is normal.

Thinking about it daily isn’t healthy.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:26

I don't think about it daily, I do a lot with daughter but that's different circumstances.
I don't sit and think about DH leaving for whatever reason every day.
I was just curious after a response to a comment.

OP posts:
Quietwhenreading · 05/05/2018 16:28

Topsy Sad I think that’s how most people feel.

My DH says that one thing he loves about me is that if something happened to him he knows I’d have the strength to carry on.

And I would, he’s right.

But I wouldn’t be the same version of “me” without him.

I would go on, work, raise the children and even find happiness but I wouldn’t be the same “Quiet” I am now.

But that’s as it should be. The people we love should leave a mark on our souls.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 05/05/2018 16:30

What else in your life makes you happy?

What else do you do that brings you a sense of joy or peace or wellbeing?

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:36

Just my family, of course my friends but my family all 3 of them equally bring my happiness that I never ever felt !

OP posts:
WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 05/05/2018 16:42

What about before you met him and had kids?

PremierNaps · 05/05/2018 16:44

No one loves their partner unconditionally it's impossible! You don't say for example I love you unconditionally so you can cheat etc. Loving your child is unconditional.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:49

I met him my first day of primary school, we were " best friends "
Continued in to secondary school with him he was my boyfriend from year 7, I was in care for most of my childhood.
I fell pregnant at 15 and 22 married at 24.
I have hobbies, I went to uni and had that I loved ( I'm on leave due to youngest )
But the best thing on my life are my children and husband who I equally would struggle if anything happened to any of them.
They are my family, they are the thing I'm most proud of and that we worked dam hard at times to keep together.
So I admit yes if for whatever reason he left, turned bad or something horrible happened I would never " recover " not that I would kill my self but it would be a moment in my life that would defiantly change me as a person and something that would effect me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:50
  • had a job
OP posts:
Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:51

You can love someone without having to stay with them.
If he cheated and left then i would still love him, that does not mean I wouldn't forgive him and let him back.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/05/2018 16:56

my other half is my safe place, my rock and I wouldn't never recover if I was to ever lose him.

I could never give anyone this kind of power in my life.

I'm too independent to make my life depend on someone else to that degree. That's how your statement comes across.

My love is conditional. I'm not going to stop living my life or live in misery if my DH happened to leave me. Why would I make my existence on this earth be dependant on him in my life.

I do love him. We've been together over 20 years.. but if he decided he wanted out ..then I would want him out. I'll never have a man with me if he doesnt want to be. I will go on and find happiness with another.

There's over 8 billion people on the planet. My life won't end because one of them walks away from me.

I also have too much pride to share your view.

Equally if I were to leave him... I don't want him to crumble. My happiness in life is not solely dependant on my DH.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 05/05/2018 17:02

it would be a moment in my life that would defiantly change me as a person and something that would effect me

Sadly that's the case for anyone who has lost someone they love. When my mum died I was 22, and a year into the grief I was shell shocked, exhausted, numb, aching. I remember thinking it would never end. It did, and eight years on I can live my life without grieving even though I miss her. But it changed me forever and affected me deeply. That's as it should be when you love somebody so deeply.

Do you keep up with your hobbies now? It sounds lovely you have such a great relationship with your family and that they bring such joy, but I tend to think it's very risky to place all of your happiness on another person, whoever they are. It's just not a guarantee. You can't control someone else and you can't prevent them from hurting you.

It's a good idea I think to aim for a rounded life where you have other things that make you happy that are just for you, that nobody can take away from you. I get every bit as much pleasure and joy and support from music as I do my loved ones and it's been a real life raft over the years when someone I love has died or abandoned me or hurt me.

It's always good to find a way to discover and hold onto your inner strength. Just in case. As we don't know what lies around the corner.

lovemylover · 05/05/2018 17:05

Topsy stop apologising,for your post, you are perfectly entitled to ask what you like,
Some people on here are being absolutely horrible,
No need for sarcastic replies. Topsy knows what she means and its her choice to feel however she does for her Dh,
Some of these replies are almost bullying, and when you love someone you are entitled to feel you will love them unconditionally, even though you might change your mind at some point

FabledFable · 05/05/2018 17:08

Because it's irrational and probably a sign of a mental disorder (obsession) to persist in loving someone at all costs - which is the true meaning of unconditional love.

Say your partner murdered your children for no reason or sexually abused them, to persist in loving that person shows a disturbed mind.

No love is really unconditional anyway. People always fall in love because they are getting something out of the relationship - even if that is some kind of fucked up sense of familiarity from (say) rejection or alcoholism if that is what they experienced as a child. Love for a child isn't really unconditional either - its rooted in a biological desire to ensure gene survival.

That is completely different

SandyY2K · 05/05/2018 17:11

If pp find the thread annoying or pointless...then move on and dont comment. I think it's a valid point or question from the OP.
Everyone has a right to start a thread.

OP... I just saw that you met in primary school. You've also spent time in care... I can see a bit why you have your views... but it's not healthy IMO.

Would be interesting to know if he feels the same way about you. I believe in a relationship where feelings towards each other are balanced.

I'm also seeing the word 'adore' ... to me that's like idolising someone and placing them on a pedestal. I don't and never will adore anyone in that sense.

SandyY2K · 05/05/2018 17:19

Using these definitions, I couldn't love another adult unconditionally.

unconditional love exists in the absence of any benefit for the lover. It transcends all behavior and is in no way reliant upon any form of reciprocation.

Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves

If I don't get anything back...I'd be off. Otherwise you turn yourself into a doormat.

BuntyII · 05/05/2018 17:29

Well I think given your circumstances it's quite normal to rely very heavily on your partner for emotional support. Good luck to the 3 of you, you're all very lucky to have each other Thanks

bustedwomb · 05/05/2018 18:45

You sound a bit over the top OP. People love their partners but it isn't unconditional as I only want to be with him under the condition he treats me and the kids right. If he didn't, I wouldn't love him. You sound like you would be like a damn emotional slave to your ah-mazing DH.

bustedwomb · 05/05/2018 18:48

Oh and I saw your other post on that thread. You said you put your DH even before your kids and that he puts you first. You sound so needy and very no that isn't healthy for anyone!

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 18:54

I didn't say I put my DH before my kids ? Not for a second so please done add something I never ever said.
My daughter by far gets the most of our attention at the moment because she needs it and is rather poorly.
I spend more time away from the family home than I do there.
I slept by her bedside for 22 months not spending a single night with my DH.
In our house I would say which ever one needs support at the time but our children always come first.
At times where things are calm we take some time out as a couple Maybe once a month.
I am also not " needy" thank you.
Day to day basis I am avail item today fine and he does not emotionally support every second of every day.
But we do support eachother when times are needed like, when our daughter was born he was my rock and I was his
What the hell is wrong with that.
Was I mean to to be like oh ok babe don't worry about me.
I won't cry and ask you for a hug or a shoulder in case I'm to needy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 18:59

Goes both ways, if he was struggling and needed me to be the rock which at times has been the case then I support him and the kids through it.

We are actually just a normal big standard family
Of 2 children and 2 adult who do happen to have a shitty situation at the moment.
But I'm not ashamed to say that I wouldn't just be able to move on and I do love him just as much as my children they are my family all of together is our unit.

There is times where the children need more support and they 100 percent get it. There is times when he may need more support and he will get it.
If I lost either 3 of them my life would feel like it had completely crashed.
I don't think about that daily but the thread made me think.
I often worry about losing my daughter so please don't say I said I don't put my children first.

OP posts:
Sprinklesinmyelbow · 05/05/2018 19:01

You don’t seem a very rounded whole person OP. Does that not bother you? Your whole identity is about him.
I have a friend like this. She’s pretty difficult and most people struggle to tolerate it.

GorgonLondon · 05/05/2018 19:02

Dvg i totally agree with you, i often think i would end my life if i didn't have my partner, that may be unhealthy but at the same time its just life is so shit without him in it, he makes everyday amazing and if he left or died i don't think i would know how to cope.

This is indeed unhealthy and a terrible,terrible way to set your life up.

Have you thought about seeking counselling because this level of dependency is a very bad idea.

Ardant · 05/05/2018 19:04

Thanks sorry your daughter is ill.

You don't sound needy to me, I don't understand the comments here at all. Maybe I am too though (fine by me if so).