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Original poster

Why is it so wrong to love partners unconditionally.

113 replies

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:42

On a previous thread about loving children more than partners I was deemed " unhealthy " for saying my other half is my safe place, my rock and I wouldn't never recover if I was to ever lose him.

Why is this so wrong I didn't marry him thinking " oh I do love you but life would be ok if you left or died" I married him because he is the absolute love of my life and a beautiful person and father !

I don't think this I see this as wrong ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:52

Ahh ok sorry for the thread I was actually just curious as to why so many seem to think it was wrong.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 05/05/2018 15:54

That thread must have been yonks ago. I remember adding a comment. You aren't still wringing your hands over it are you? {worried emoticon}

Just.Do.It.

Why do you care what people think?

My DH and I are very close, but I wouldn't be arsed this to start a thread on here to find out who does or doesn't agree with the decision on how we choose to love each other. How pointless! Some people will think we're bonkers, other people will say we're fine carry on. Nothing gained.

pallisers · 05/05/2018 15:55

There is nothing wrong with it, if it is how your emotions work.

I didn't marry him thinking " oh I do love you but life would be ok if you left or died" Most of us don't.

Quietwhenreading · 05/05/2018 15:55

I adore my DH we’ve been together well over half our lives. He is my best friend.

But my love is conditional.

If he hit me or the children I would leave him.
If he cheated on me, I would leave him.
If he was emotionally abusive I would leave him.
If he sold drugs or committed a terrible crime I would leave him.

It would break my heart, but I would still leave him.

That fact that I would put the safety and emotional well being of my children and myself over my love for my husband doesn’t lessen my feeling for him.

It just means I’m a person in my own right, with my own feelings, my own judgements, my own moral compass and a healthy self esteem.

XiCi · 05/05/2018 15:55

I think being dependent on someone or something else for your happiness will always end very badly. Happiness is always something that should come from within and then if you have a partner you love then all the better. To say that you would kill yourself if a partner left is incredibly sad. Must be absolutely draining for a partner to be relied upon in such a way as well

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:56

The thread was today :/

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Dozer · 05/05/2018 15:57

Doubting your personal ability to cope in the event of divorce or bereavement is understandable, but isn’t romantic and doesn’t mean you love your P any more than anyone else loves theirs.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:57

anyway again sorry for the thread.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 05/05/2018 15:58

Saying "I couldn't survive if my DH/DP died" is a collection of meaningless words. Nobody knows how they'll feel until it actually happens to them. Saying you love your partner unconditionally sounds suffocating and a bit on the needy side of life.

And it is tiresome and probably not doing you any good churning it round and round, when you don't need to. If you suffer from anxiety then by all means get some professional help, and support.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:59

I don't think my DP is under any pressure tbf well he is but that is more due to ciricimstances.
I don't obviously sit there telling him that he can never leave as I can't live without him.

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Foxysoxy10 · 05/05/2018 16:00

But you don’t love him unconditionally, you just said so yourself. Your loving him has conditions.

To love some unconditionally means you will love them no matter what they are, what they do to you or others around you, etc etc.

I find your thread really annoying. You are saying if your DH was watching little girls on camera and getting off on it or killing/torturing women and children you would still love him. Really imagine him doing the most horrific things you can imagine and then come back and say how you ‘will always wuv him unconditionally’

You are very immature.

Oh and loving someone wholeheartedly right now is very different to loving someone unconditionally.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:00

I also don't sit there worrying about it day in day out I was just thinking about it after reading the post.
It's not something that crosses my mind daily, I don't actually have much brain space to think about myself etc on a daily basis to even be able to dwell on it but I apologies for the thread and clearly wasn't the write thing to ask. :)

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LunaTrap · 05/05/2018 16:01

You should have conditions on the love you have for your partner because otherwise you are lacking in boundaries and would seemingly tolerate anything. I wouldn't be with a man who hit me, or mistreated our kids, or cheated, or many other things. My love for my partner is conditional on his behaviour and treatment of me. That doesn't mean I love him any less than you love yours.

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:03

I am not saying that at all !
Would I stand by him ? Hell no !
Would I be absolutely heart broken - of course. Would I be able to switch the fact I have loved him for god knows how many years, had children with him - no

Same as my children - would I stick by them if they did that - absolutely not would I be able to just stop loving them, no.

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Branleuse · 05/05/2018 16:03

I think i would still continue to love my dp even if he did something awful, but id still leave him if I had to, to protect my children for instance

TeasndToast · 05/05/2018 16:04

If my children turned out to be murdering, raping scumbags I’d still love them and want to see them.

Not so much my husband. So there are conditions on him being a decent person but not on my children. I’ll love them even if they turned out to be truly evil.

Wouldn’t be too jolly about it mind..

Justaboy · 05/05/2018 16:04

Because unconditional means no matter what somebody does, you'll still love them

Applies to children but partners perhaps it is a lot more conditional;!

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:04

right sorry I have a little one passed out asleep on me after very little sleep !

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BuntyII · 05/05/2018 16:06

You don't have to apologise for the thread. You have your opinion and it's fine for you to stand by it even if the majority don't agree.

Ardant · 05/05/2018 16:09

Oh dear OP. I think I get what you mean, sorry you've been torn to shreds by people calling you names for trying to express your feelings. Some of these posts have such vindictive tones to them, whether intentional or not.

I think I feel similarly, I don't think I'd recover from losing my life partner either. I'd adapt and survive presumably but I wouldn't be "me" as I am now again.

I also don't think the man I've known for over half my life is a murderer or has paedophilic tendencies, but if he somehow turned out to be an inexplicably horrific monster, I don't know how I'd flick a switch into instant hatred either, given everything we've been through. (Maybe that's because it's such a stupid thought experiment though, like "imagine if he's a psychotic alien polar bear! What then?!")

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:10

It's not that I think people don't love their husbands as much at all.
We have had a very very very intense few years to say the least and I just know I would be absolutely heart broken and would struggle if he wasn't around for what ever reason that maybe.
I was just interested as to why it was deemed so unhealthy.

I can financially look after myself, I can practically look after myself.
I don't depend on him to look after me I just think we depend on eachother as support especially dirinf the last 5 years that I couldn't imagine having with anyone else.

As I said though it wasn't something I literally think about daily ha I was just shocked at it was deemed to be wrong and got me thinking.

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crunchtime · 05/05/2018 16:14

The thing is-in the majority of cases-you do go on.
My mother met my father when she was 17 years old and was with him until he died when she was 73.
She had literally never ever been an adult without him. To say she was devastated would be an understatement.

Now she has got on with life-she goes out for lunch with friends, and sees relatives and goes to a club at the church etc. She still loves and misses him dreadfully but she's getting on with life because what's the alternative? Unless you kill yourself, you have to get on!

I similarly adore my dh and have been with him since i was a kid but if he cheated on me would out of the door.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 16:15

But no one who loves their partner and separates from them just “switches off” the love immediately.

hannah1992 · 05/05/2018 16:20

If I’m honest I don’t think you can say you’d love anyone unconditionally. Children included.

If my dh commited a crime or cheated or something else terrible then I would not be in his life. That doesn’t mean I would stop loving him straight away. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be heartbroken but my kids come first as always.

If my kids when older committed a terrible crime or whatever. Murdered someone for instance I wouldn’t have contact either but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love them or be heartbroken either.

The same goes for my parents

I think that there are always conditions to love.

Right now the kids are little 7 and 2 and while ever I’m responsible for their safety they come first to me. I would expect my husband to do the same if the shoe was on the other foot too

Original poster
Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 16:21

Right so I am going to write this differently.

My daughter who I know one day I will have to live without, every day that breaks my heart and I know when she passes I will never recover.
I may continue to leave but I will never recover from it and i will never be the same person again.
The thought of it breaks me daily.

I would feel this same way whether it was my daughter, son or husband.
I know I wouldn't have to survive life but I know apart of me would always be broken.

The 3 of them are what makes me happy.

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