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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why is it so wrong to love partners unconditionally.

113 replies

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 15:42

On a previous thread about loving children more than partners I was deemed " unhealthy " for saying my other half is my safe place, my rock and I wouldn't never recover if I was to ever lose him.

Why is this so wrong I didn't marry him thinking " oh I do love you but life would be ok if you left or died" I married him because he is the absolute love of my life and a beautiful person and father !

I don't think this I see this as wrong ?

OP posts:

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/05/2018 20:49

To love someone unconditionally means to still love them if they beat you or rape you - as you love them no matter what, and have no condition. you good with that OP?

It's hugely important to have conditions in a relationship

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 05/05/2018 20:55

But you could still love someone if they have done something terrible to you

But you hopefully would leave them it might not stop you loving them

FranticallyPeaceful · 05/05/2018 20:59

If OH murdered an innocent, was a pedo, did something else horrific - I’d write him off straight away. If my kids did i would still love them fiercely but be so disappointed and upset I probably couldn’t live with it or myself and want to end it to escape thw torture of knowing.

There’s a massive difference between love and unconditional love.

Butterymuffin · 05/05/2018 21:10

There was a post on the other thread which said that that poster put their DH ahead of the children, he did for her too, and that gave the kids a firm foundation or something. If that wasn't you OP then fair enough, but I think that's the post people are thinking of.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2018 21:21

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin how can you love your DP knowing he'd murdered or sexually abused a child?

Original poster

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 21:33

Butterymuffin that wasn't me at all.
I am not saying I would stay with him and stand by him if he did anything like that I am saying I would really struggle just to switch of my love for him and the life we had shared and would be as upset that he could that as I would if our children did.
I love us as a family I not so which ever one of them committed such a horrible crime would not be condoned or stuck by but I wouldn't struggle to let go of the life we had before and it would deeply effect my life as I love him.
You can't just switch your love off.
He is the father of my children I would be heart broken if he could do anything like that but then again I'm confident in my choice and know him pretty well to be sure he would never do anything like that anyway.

I wouldn't stand by my child either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 21:34

unit

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2018 22:05

I'm not disputing that you assume he wouldn't, of course I assume my husband wouldn't either else I wouldn't have married and had a baby with him. I'd be devastated if he did anything like that, but I'd also be angry. That ANGER would nullify any love. He is a man I chose to be with, not a child who is a part of me, and if he did something that easy it would turn my love off and if it didn't I'd work every day to turn it off.
You say but I love him, I love our life, our kids etc but that's most of us, that isn't exceptional. That is lovely but it's normal. it just isn't a reason to say I'd love him even if he was a murderous paedophile. I suspect nothing you say well explain that

pallisers · 05/05/2018 22:16

I wouldn't stand by my child either.

I guess that is the difference. You do have the same commitment to your dh and your children. I don't. If my child was accused of something awful I would stand by them - but would not for dh. When I say stand by I mean literally that. Would be there for the court case, would visit in prison if I felt it helped even if I was disgusted by what they did. I could condemn a child who cheated on his wife and would hope to be some support to his wife in those circumstances but I couldn't cut him off completely.

I couldn't see my commitment and responsibilty to my child ending simply because he/she turned into a monster -to some extent he would still be my monster. With dh, I'd just be gone and never see him again (unless my children needed me to).

But I love dh dearly and now our children are almost grown I am looking forward to years together when we can focus more on each other again.

It isn't the strength of the love really - it is the commitment that underpins it. The day my first child was born was the day I assumed a responsibility to love him as best I could and as best he needed for the rest of my life.

Lizzie48 · 06/05/2018 10:36

It's very unhealthy to be too dependent on any one person. I've spoken on other threads about my MIL. She and my FIL were so close, had met at college and married young. Then he was killed in a car accident and her world fell apart. I remember her talking about throwing herself under a car. She also became really dependent on my DH and BIL. She's come through it now, it was 14 years ago, but it's led to my DH not being able to express his feelings because he's had to be strong for his DM. She also couldn't cope practically at all.

You sadly never know what the future holds, it can change just like that.

Sunshinedaze · 06/05/2018 11:33

Nothing wrong with it at all. I have married my soul mate and the love of my life. We are best friends, want to be around each other all the time and absolutely adore each other. I will never remarry, if he dies before me. I certainly won’t be losing interest or discarding him as soon as children appear. In real life, I have encountered jealousy from single friends and those in unhappy relationships. Of course, those types are going to be lurking around the relationship threads on mumsnet along with the man-haters. The gold standard advice in the relationship threads is “ leave him! “ Which tells you all you need to know about seeking opinions and advice on here.

Lizzie48 · 06/05/2018 11:37

There's nothing wrong with loving your partner unconditionally, as long as it's not a case of blind trust that they could never do anything wrong. There are too many cases of mothers refusing to believe their DC when they disclose that he's abused them.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2018 15:14

I certainly won’t be losing interest or discarding him as soon as children appear

You do realise that that is how most people feel right? And that actually it's possible to love your partner woth all your heart, love your children unconditionally and be able to prioritise their needs together whilst that is what is needed due to their age and vulnerability

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