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AIBU?

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Original poster

Exh confiscating DS phone.

153 replies

ilovemilton · 04/05/2018 08:52

Here I am again! Exh is a knob. Mumsnet saves my sanity by generally agreeing with me and letting me have the moan that is probably getting boring to my RL friends.

DS contact alternate weekends. Last weekend, after an argument over gaming (where DS said he was being hacked and exh told him he was stupid), exh removed his phone. He does tend to do this a lot during contact, to prevent him calling me.

However, this time he has refused to let him bring it home with him on Monday.

Midweek contact was the same. Phone still not allowed.

I've text him today to say DS would like his phone back for the weekend, and as it is my property, he has no right to keep it for so long. He's refused. DS is understandably pissed off.

There's no answer to this really. Just wanted to rant!

OP posts:
Smeddum · 05/05/2018 11:02

witty not worry.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 11:07

I’ve got one recording where he gets smacked and screamed at for putting his pants on wrong, for example

And no one in authority is interested in this?

I think I would breach the court order, stop sending him, see a solicitor.

gameNight · 05/05/2018 11:10

@Smeddum

I recognise your username and agenda so understand your reasoning but bastard has distinct misandrist connotations, not least due to inheritance laws. Women wouldn't inherit and bastard (male) children wouldn't either. Being a legitimate male child had enormous bearing.

I was well aware of the irony. You seem to be unaware of your sexism.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 11:13

My ex was a dick, but he was never physically or emotionally abusive (apart from hardly ever being there for his kids and never contributing)

I would fuck the court order right off. You say he would go for full custody of your dd. Wouldn’t that be difficult seen as she hasn’t been going? Would he go for full custody of ds too?

This would mean another court case. Social workers interviewing the kids etc?

Maybe a good thing?

Smeddum · 05/05/2018 11:32

@gameNight you may well recognise my username, but if you think I’m a misandrist you absolutely misunderstand my agenda.

Bastard is not gender specific, it is not misandristic and you are wrong. That is a statement of fact.

Your use of a well known misogynistic word was intentional I’m guessing, which says a lot.

Either way, I’m not engaging in any further detail of OPs thread, because she has valid concerns which need to be addressed reasonably.

OP, I’m sorry, I’ll bow out now .

CalF123 · 05/05/2018 11:35

Does your DS want to continue seeing his dad if he treats him like this? I'd be looking at going back to court to get contact stopped if he doesn't.

Beaverhausen · 05/05/2018 11:39

OP if you have a sky contract they have some great mobile phone offers on. Just het ds to leave it at home in case it gets taken again.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 05/05/2018 12:12

Neither DC ever wanted to go. Court are having none of it. Contact has to happen. If we return to court, it's listed for the same guardian and judge "to ensure continuity", so nothing will ever change.

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 12:18

I don’t know what else to suggest, other than you have to do something, as oppose to nothing. If it’s as bad as you say, you cannot allow it to continue Flowers

I think someone suggested MP.

ShawshanksRedemption · 05/05/2018 13:19

@ilovemilton I've got one recording where he gets smacked and screamed at for putting his pants on wrong, for example

What was the judge's reaction when this was shown in court?

ShawshanksRedemption · 05/05/2018 13:32

Whilst I can appreciate from the judge's POV that he doesn't know you all personally, and there are also women who use their children as pawns against their ex (as men also do), perhaps your solicitor did a pretty poor job and your ex's solicitor a bloody good one, if experts like Paeds and School and CAFCASS were in your favour but DC still have to visit their dad. If solicitors were ok but you think the Judge you have been assigned is biased, that needs looking into.

I can't understand how a Judge can come to a conclusion that the children have been effectively turned by you against their father if the experts have said otherwise. Surely that is a miscarriage of justice?

Do your children see anyone for their mental health? That might be a way forward to support them as they go through this - school should be able to access MH support. My DD has recently had support via youngminds.org.uk (for different reasons), via the school for example.

Smeddum · 05/05/2018 13:36

What was the judge's reaction when this was shown in court?

It is at the sole discretion of the judge (or sheriff in Scotland) if they even allow the submission of evidence or if they bother to read/view the evidence submitted.

Yes I know it sounds arbitrary and ridiculous, but that’s the system.

Dressingdown1 · 05/05/2018 13:46

I sympathise, OP. My exh was violent and emotionally abusive, but the judge was having none of it. Exh got shared custody (some time ago) and ds was terrified of him. Now ds is grown up he has almost no contact with his father, but the situation definitely scarred him.

I decided not to pursue it further through the court because ds was so unhappy with the conflict and under huge pressure to please his father. I was also worried that I would have access reduced as exh was a great liar and convinced everyone that he was a wonderful father. It was always obvious to me that he was just trying to control me and once ds was an adult exh totally lost interest in him.

ShawshanksRedemption · 05/05/2018 14:00

@smeddum If it was a Fact Finding Hearing, rather than a First Hearing, it should've been shown in court, along with any other evidence incl that of the experts.

CalF123 · 05/05/2018 14:16

@ilovemilton

I'd be looking to get further legal advice. Your DD is certainly old enough to decide for herself at 12, and your DS may also be considered competent.

Smeddum · 05/05/2018 14:19

@ShawshanksRedemption we didn’t have a Fact Finding hearing. I wasn’t aware of them.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 05/05/2018 14:22

None of my videos, recordings or texts have been allowed in court.

DD has had counselling and is thriving now she is NC.

DS continues to see CAMHS. But even that is described by the judge as "because of mothers perception that there is something wrong".

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 05/05/2018 14:27

Contact the police tell them you want it returned and you won't send it over again

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 05/05/2018 14:45

I don't see how you can do anymore.

Can you get a cheap handset for him to take to his dad's with a payg SIM, so he can still talk to his friends?

If you don't make a fuss he may give the phone back in the end - as a pp said it is all about control hence the phone calls you've been receiving for him.
If you and ds act like you don't care about what he's done he will lose interest and give it back to ds the next time he wants to 'reward' him in the control cycle.

I cannot believe you are in this situation, I hope you have the strength and patience to get through the next few years until you have a chance at stopping contact.

SandyY2K · 05/05/2018 14:53

Your Ex sounds rather nasty. How could the court force your 12 yo DD to live with him...considering she's gone NC? At 12 they would surely take her view into account.

He should have given you the phone back. Best not to allow DS to take it there anymore. It's just more of his controlling.

In years to come neither child will want anything to do with him and totally cut him off. For now the court can order it...but that time will end.

It's why some people grow old as grumpy old bitter men...and no family around them.

He won't get the honour/pleasure of walking DD down the aisle or sharing any other special moments... in the end he is the loser.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 05/05/2018 15:15

Sandy. They were my daughters words when she was being forced to go. "He can make me now but he'll never meet my baby or come to my wedding. He will lose in the end." She was about 8 at the time, those words still choke me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemilton · 05/05/2018 15:43

Shawshank. We weren't allowed a fact finding hearing as I couldn't give the dates and times to the abuse I was describing for the past ten years, so they decided they had no facts to find.

OP posts:
Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 15:58

Haven’t things changed since then? You now have evidence of abuse?

My son sees CAMHS and I cannot believe they are sitting by and letting abuse continue?

The judge can describe it as whatever he wants to, surely CAMHS are saying different and supporting this in writing? CAMHS also have a duty to disclose any disclose of abuse to the relevant agencies. They are not allowed to ‘disregard’.

Smeddum · 05/05/2018 15:59

The judge can describe it as whatever he wants to, surely CAMHS are saying different and supporting this in writing? CAMHS also have a duty to disclose any disclose of abuse to the relevant agencies. They are not allowed to ‘disregard’

The judge can decide to review evidence or not.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 16:03

Isn’t that what solicitors are for?

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