DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

Having coffee with 9 yoga friends (post class) - happy, and quite frankly f relieved that we all share the same view - talk to your DH @bijou, lots of us have been here, and are very, very happy with our DH/DPs. Big hugs

@Luisa27

You’re relieved that you and 9 friends don’t understand what rape was and are feeling a bizarre solidarity because it’s happened to you? What an odd mindset

I agree that post surgery your dh should have been being very attentive to how you felt. But all those saying he intentionally continued- I don’t unlike pp have experience of guys being able to stop mid orgasm but I think my husband can barely process and react in 5 seconds when he is having a serious conversation with me- much less when doing something else banal like eating , washing thr dishes, playing guitar... much much less seconds pre orgasm.

if this was your husband, you were happily married and in love with each other and he was a good man and you'd just had a child together, you would LTB and divorce over this 5 second incident?

Yes. Admittedly he did it twice but both times it was "just another second" so yes, I did divorce him and we had a child together. Does that help?

"Disdain for men"? My god, the poor men! Disdain for men is actually shown by the posters who think men are little more than animals with no self-control.

• so if you’re driving and you see a stop sign, does it take you a second to register it? If so you probably shouldn’t drive.

Likewise, if you can’t stop yourself mid-shag, you probably shouldn’t do that either.*

Well, quite.

I frequently find sex painful for medical reasons and I rarely need to say stop when it hurts, he stops if I tense up or wince, and asks if I'm okay. That's not 'he's a great guy', that's like minimum decency. Reluctance/only-just-tolerance isn't consent.

He really should have stopped. You were in pain, he chose to continue and enjoy his orgasm.

I would be furious if my husband did this. At the very least he needs a bollocking and to be made 100% aware that if you say stop - (at any point) he stops.

If he is genuinely remorseful and there have been no other incidents like this in your relationship then I would probably let it go - probably.

I think my husband can barely process and react in 5 seconds when he is having a serious conversation with me- much less when doing something else banal like eating , washing thr dishes, playing guitar... much much less seconds pre orgasm.

Jesus. This is what disdain for men looks like.

Not odd Jacques - just different to yours.
Vive la difference 😊

Not odd Jacques - just different to yours.
Vive la difference

And indeed different to the legal definition of rape but sure, vive la difference

I don’t unlike pp have experience of guys being able to stop mid orgasm

So what about the 100's of millions of people around the world who use the withdrawal method of contraception?

• another so if you’re driving and you see a stop sign, does it take you a second to register it? If so you probably shouldn’t drive.

Likewise, if you can’t stop yourself mid-shag, you probably shouldn’t do that either.*

I did stop. But stopping is not instantaneous. Reactions are not instantaneous.

@jacques

Glad you agree! Have a lovely day

Reactions are not instantaneous

If he has time to acknowledge the OP saying stop and to say “oh but I’m about to come” he has reacted. In the wrong way.

It’s so hard to generalise.

In some circumstances this could totally be rape, and part of a pattern of abuse in a relationship and an indicator to get the hell out. In other circumstances it isn’t that and is a mistake made in an otherwise good context that needs to be looked at and learned from.

All the people coming in with binary views and personal anecdotes to back them up are making this simpler than it is. Understandably. As it is an intensely personal, political and important subject. And when you dilute the message by adding in extenuating circumstances to a lack of consent then you are on a slippery slope to enabling rape culture. But do remember this is a person’s life and even if they are at the top of a slippery slope, it’s for them to know the context to that and the action they’ll take. Situations don’t always play out in the same way each time.

Hi OP, hope the conversation with your husband and ensuing ones are honest and and equal and respectful and powerful in their effect on your relationship for good. Remember that your feelings and needs are important as his. Hope things work out ok. Lots of power to you. And teatree and lavender baths. (Have you tried hypercal too? Very healing)

Xxxx

In some circumstances this could totally be rape

Um, no. In all circumstances. OP said stop, he didn't. Consent was withdrawn = rape.

* If he has time to acknowledge the OP saying stop and to say “oh but I’m about to come” he has reacted. In the wrong way.*

It boils down to if that was a reaction or if he was saying that anyway. In my case, as soon as I could react I did.

pigeon yes. Hur dur, my husband is so dim he doesn’t react when I talk to him.

Jesus.

another he did react. He said ‘but I’m about to come’. Time to say that, time to stop shagging.

I think in a normal sex session, with your long term partner, where you’re both enjoying yourselves and into it, taking 5 seconds to completely jump away and hear, understand, react to what the other person has said if it came out of the blue would usually be ok. But you were the only person there so are a far better judge of that. Are you feeling angry and violated? That’s the more important question. I think you need to talk to your DH about how this has left you feeling.

Having coffee with 9 yoga friends (post class)

Pretty short class, unless you were MN-ing through it.

It's lovely you want to support the OP. I think you should reconsider the idea that 'support' is best expressed through an 'I have explained this to all my woman friends in real life and they all agree with me!' approach. Likewise posting things like 'Villageshop for PM!' How's that helping, exactly.

Ok thymelord, always call it rape.

And if you always call it rape, can it then be spoken about, learnt from, and become part of the fabric of a healthy marriage?

villageshop

I'm so curious to know the people who agree with this post - what if the OP had said it took 5 minutes? Does time factor into your concept of what is rape and what isn't? (Not even being sarcastic)

'Villageshop for PM' on a thread about marital rape is so fucking weird and unnecessary.

hide if your husband had just been circumcised, don’t you think you’d be a little more careful than usual????

I wonder if all you replying actually gives a fuck about the OP? You sit in front of your computers looking to score points off other posters or promote an agenda. You don’t really care about the OP one little bit. She’s just a pawn that you all use to try to make a point.

She’s said she doesn’t feel like it was rape and she will talk to her husband. She was there, you lot weren’t. Shes a grown woman who can think for herself, so isn’t that all there is to it?

An awful lot of you on this thread are just plain disgusting.

And if you always call it rape, can it then be spoken about, learnt from, and become part of the fabric of a healthy marriage?

I clearly haven't had anywhere near enough coffee because I have no idea what you mean by that.