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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 04/05/2018 08:29

You asked him to stop.
You were uncomfortable.
He knew you had recently had a medical procedure.
He knew he could hurt you.
He was supposed to be attuned to making sure you weren't being hurt.
You told him you were being hurt.
He said he was going to carry on anyway and did, regardless of your pain and potential damage to your body.

Nice.

mustbemad17 · 04/05/2018 08:29

I stopped reading after page 4 because some of the replies made me want to vomit. Rape survivor here, it does not matter who is involved - the minute either side utters the word stop...be that in an uncertain voice, a pained voice, a bored voice...then the other side does just that. If they don't then they are going against your wishes & yes, that is rape
In a normal relationship you expect that level of respect & trust. Far as i would be concerned OP's H broke that trust, massively. Even worse knowing she had not long had surgery ffs.

I am one very quick to point out how much a false cry can ruin a life. That does not mean people get to minimise the definition of rape or the effect it has on women involved. 5 seconds is nothing...until something you don't like is happening. Then that time trickles by

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:29

@pleasebepolite the disdain for men here is untrue. I wonder how those with partners are actually even happy

Papier · 04/05/2018 08:29

Same story as OP's nearly. Had first baby, bad 2nd degree tear (took forever to sew up after), i suggested sex at around 4 weeks to husband and that he would have to be really careful and really slow. So we start, its uncomfortable, it then becomes pain, I asked him to stop at least twice as it was hurting, he continued for 30 second or so afterwards or so it felt like. I was quietly crying. Can't remember much more of the details it was 13 years ago. But I do remember the hurt that he would do that, I remember the utterly broken trust between us. I remember I had said stop and he had carried on. After when eventually when we started having sex again (when I was well enough and thought myself over the trauma) he would get pissed because during foreplay/during sex I would have flash backs to what happened and want to stop. A massive inconvenience to him from his reaction. I was made to feel like shit and put up with his sulking when he didn't get more sex for a long time and I asked for reasons/apologies. His excuse at the time was he 'didn't want to go soft' so kept going. Around 5 years after that when I was making a statement to the police (he had threatened to hit and hurt me) they classified what he did as rape. As did my health visitor. As did the social worker.

At the time, he was my husband, I had just had our first child. I could not believe he could do that and tried to brush it off, as he did, repeatedly. I must say his apologies for it would have done a small child proud...he would apologise ONLY when our marriage was on the line and would do so grudgingly and clearly NOT sorry at all.

OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. You should not EVER have to ask to stop twice, three times etc no matter how close he was to coming. That is putting his pleasure over your pain and like others say, he should have been on high alert to your comfort, not his own. I used all the excuses Villageshop et al used 13 years ago to excuse my ex husbands behaviour. It does not EVER excuse it. We separated 7 years ago. Best decision ever.

I would not jump to any immediate action, but I would be watching him like a hawk now. Don't be surprised if it takes you weeks/months to have sex again. Or even a few days to 'see how things go'. It is very difficult to conceive of any action just after the birth of your first child with your partner. However, you could speak to your health visitor, speak to your GP, ring a helpline to talk through your feelings with someone anonymously, confide in a trusted friend. Just don't bury it like I did for years, living with that feeling of suppressed anger and mistrust and the ex refusing to take my feelings as truly valid.

And OP, I'm guessing you won't come back to this thread to comment. When I posted, the same as you, instead of the posts saying 'LTB' helping, they made me want to protect and defend him and his actions in my head, that he wasn't really like that etc. Try listening to your gut feeling about what happened, and talking to someone or a helpline or a counsellor in real life, you need the support to decide what to do, even if that is to brush it under the carpet til you are ready to deal with it. This is your life and whatever you chose to do is your decision xxx

VivaKondo · 04/05/2018 08:30

Please, someone hitting you with a knife only takes 5 seconds.
Are you saying that you wouldn’t destroy a happy family for those 5 seconds??

5 seconds can be plenty to destroy everything.
It’s not because we are talking about a woman’s body and her wellbeing and itsbrelated to sex that those 5 seconds are any less important.

Respect is about respecting people ALL THE TIME.
Choosing to get your kicks over their wellbeing/pain is very much the whole definition of a lack of respect and seeing the other person as not as important as yourself.

53rdWay · 04/05/2018 08:30

actually do not believe you would end an otherwise perfectly happy marriage, deprive your new child of a loving family etc for a 5 second mistake.

Believe what you like, but yes, I would. Many women would. Because it would fundamentally change who I thought my husband was, and I wouldn’t be able to continue on just ignoring that. Once I knew he was the kind of man who could do that once - nope. Over.

And this is, legally, rape. It’s not ‘crying rape’ or somehow opposed to ‘genuine rape’. WTF?

Mookatron · 04/05/2018 08:31

This is not a political issue. It's about one woman whose supposedly loving husband counted his pleasure as more important than stopping her pain. Pain from surgery resulting from having their children. No doubt it stems from cultural sexism but that's really beside the point.

OP, when you talk to him, if he tries to excuse himself AT ALL he needs to know he was wrong, and cruel. What you do afterwards is up to you, but if it feels like a deal breaker it is.

downthestrada · 04/05/2018 08:33

I struggle with sex, in the last it has been painful and my husband stops immediately if there’s even the slightest hint of discomfort. The OP was post surgery, so he should have been willing to stop at any second.

I think I would struggle to get past this if done to me, and I’m saying this as someone who has been raped before in what people would see as a more clear cut situation. I would probably divorce my husband if he did this to me. The only way I might be able to get past it, is if he accepted it was rape, tried to figure out why he did it and made the change to never do it again whilst taking things slowly and making sure I was comfortable. He would also have to accept that I might not manage to have sex with him again for a very long time.

BamBamIsALittleShit · 04/05/2018 08:38

If this was me, in my exact circumstances, I would be very upset with him and we would be having a very long and serious conversation about boundaries, and why what he did hurt me. I wouldn't leave him, I wouldn't call it rape, but I'd definitely explain why it crossed a boundary. I love my husband, and we have a great relationship which I wouldn't ruin over this, but he wouldn't be getting away with it without some very serious words. How he reacts to it will make it all clear, if he cares about you then he will take it seriously.

Having said all this, I don't think my husband would do something like this, but I bet you didn't think yours would either. In my marriage we don't run away after every indiscretion, we work on them, learn lessons and move on. If he takes badly to that then I think you may struggle to forgive him.

downthestrada · 04/05/2018 08:38

papier thanks for sharing that, sounds very similar to OPs situation. I’m glad that your social worker and health visitor classified it as rape.

mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 08:42

MissReginaPhilange Fri 04-May-18 08:29:14
@pleasebepolite the disdain for men here is untrue. I wonder how those with partners are actually even happy

I'll tell you what constitutes disdain for men, actually...

It's the notion that they are no better than brute beasts, incapable of responding to the word 'Stop' and callous to the explanation that they are hurting a woman, and the idea that they are incapable of immediate withdrawal.

I give men a lot more credit than the rape apologists do.

BonsaiBear · 04/05/2018 08:44

I give men credit, too. Previous experience has shown me that men can and do respond to the word 'stop' immediately - even during an orgasm.

Good men, that is.

ToffeeUp · 04/05/2018 08:45

OP says stop her husband says no and posters here manage to justify this behaviour, wtf!

And he was very supportive afterwards? He should be mortified, disgusted with himself

I hope you are ok OP, he did rape you, he didn't stop.

TammySwansonTwo · 04/05/2018 08:47

Sending you big hugs OP.

I’ve been raped / sexually assaulted in and out of relationship, and I’ve found it much harder to process when it’s happened in a relationship to be honest.

I do know this: I have a condition that can make sex very painful sometimes, it can come on suddenly and is impossible to predict. My DH is always careful not to hurt me, and if he sees so much as a grimace he immediately stops and checks I’m okay. It’s very rare that I’ve actually had to tell him to stop because it’s actually quite obvious if someone you’re having sex with is in pain or uncomfortable with what’s happening, unless you either don’t care or aren’t paying attention.

The fact that there was enough time for you to have a dialogue about it, and that he was then able to ejaculate knowing you didn’t want to continue, is concerning. He can’t say he didn’t know or didn’t hear you - you discussed it, and he bartered rather than stopping. If he hadn’t ejaculated in five seconds - if it took 10 or 30 or 60 seconds - that’s how long it would have likely taken for him to stop. He didn’t stop because you asked him to, he stopped because he was finished. If he had just had a vasectomy and asked you to stop because it hurt, could you continue on and have an orgasm? I certainly couldn’t, regardless of how long it took.

I would be extremely distressed by this - the terminology may not be relevant here, and what I would do about it would depend on myriad factors.

ferrier · 04/05/2018 08:47

It's a grey area and hinges on
I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come

In my experience a whole load of guys shout out 'I'm coming' just before or at the moment. It's not necessarily a response to anything that has been said. He may not necessarily have been in full control at that point. If they'd been practising withdrawal he would have had this in mind all through and been more aware.
This doesn't excuse the fact that he should have been more sensitive to op given her recent surgery so I'd quite likely be furious on that score alone.

I would not yet call it rape - I do think with 5 seconds from being told to stop to coming he may have lost control - again I will say he should have been more aware given the circumstances.

flowermug2 · 04/05/2018 08:48

Confused This has happened to me loads, I didn't think it was an issue until now

anothernamechanged · 04/05/2018 08:51

I don't think you raped your husband,@anothernamechanged, but that's a pretty odd thing to say. You were both enjoying it except for the person who had asked the other person to stop and they hadn't? Not sure what point you're trying to illustrate except that yes, spouses are capable of disregarding a withdrawal of consent.

The point I was trying to make is that, if you're not expecting to hear "stop", if both of you have been enjoying it right up to that point, when you hear "stop" it does/can take a second for your mind to compute that and for you to react/respond. I don't think in my case I disregarded a withdrawal of consent, it just took me a few seconds to realise that that's what it was. And it could have been the same case with the OPs DH. It's about the intent behind it which is only possible to know from the person responsible for stopping.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 08:56

@bijou - hello OP!
So glad you’re going to talk everything through with DH this evening .
Your situation is very, very similar to something that happened to me and my lovely DH. I think it’s great you’re so obviously attracted to each other post childbirth, and even better you’re able to talk this through and explain your feelings to each other. Sending you a big hug x

P.S. Villageshop for PM!

FermatsTheorem · 04/05/2018 09:03

Totally agree with the view upthread - the real man-haters on this thread are the Stepford wives who think men are brutal beasts who can't stop themselves even when their partner is in pain.

Bollocks. Nice men (of whom there are a lot) don't behave like this

Bunchofdaffodils · 04/05/2018 09:07

The strength of feeling on these 5 seconds is eye opening. Maybe something like this thread should be read in teenage sex ed classes to show what a very serious matter it is.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 04/05/2018 09:14

Rape isn't about sex, it's about control, sounds like your husband was more lack of control in that final moment.

Does it? It's sounds to me that he cared more about his orgasm than about his wife's comfort.

Do you love him? Is he a kind man? Do you see that he meant you no harm?

Love is irrelevant. Love doesn't stop abuse anymore than thinking someone is 'kind' isn't any indication that they are a good person. If he doesn't realise that someone saying 'Stop' means you fucking well stop immediately then he has no business having sex with anyone. Plenty of women convince themselves their husbands are 'kind' even though they are continually abused by them, because 'he doesn't mean it'. It's excusing bullshit and this ridiculous societal notion that we have to allow it because the poor guy wasn't in control and didn't mean to hurt anyone is one of the reasons so many women end up dead.

At the VERY best, he's a thoughtless idiot that needs to re-learn exactly what consent is, beg for forgiveness, demonstrate he knows what he did was wrong, why it was wrong, and that he will never do it again, and then he needs to step back without a word until OP decides she is ready to resume a sexual relationship with no pressure, no guilt tripping, no coercion because he 'needs' it.

JacquesHammer · 04/05/2018 09:17

the disdain for men here is untrue

Really? Calling something which is legally rape, rape is disdain for men?

I genuinely despair

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 09:17

another so if you’re driving and you see a stop sign, does it take you a second to register it? If so you probably shouldn’t drive.

Likewise, if you can’t stop yourself mid-shag, you probably shouldn’t do that either.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 09:19

Also, what math said.

Disdain? To expect men to not rape us?????????

Yeah my partner is perfectly happy with me. He doesn’t have to rape me to be happy with me.

FermatsTheorem · 04/05/2018 09:19

"Do you love your husband?" is the wrong question. The right one is "Do you think a man who genuinely loved you, genuinely cares about your well-being and thought women's boundaries were important, would have behaved as he did?"