Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
53rdWay · 04/05/2018 10:04

She’s said she doesn’t feel like it was rape and she will talk to her husband. She was there, you lot weren’t. Shes a grown woman who can think for herself, so isn’t that all there is to it?

I think she gets to call it whatever she wants to call it, absolutely. I don't think it would be helpful to say she must call it rape, when she's the one processing what happened to her and how she feels about it.

At the same time, this does not change whether or not it is rape. That has a legal definition.

It can be very hard when you're talking to other people about any kind of abuse you've had at the hands of someone you love. People get angry on your behalf, and people describe your loved one in the terms they see, and as it's very different from yours it makes you defensive. It makes you want to say "no he's not that bad! he's nice, really! apart from this one tiny little thing, probably not even a serious thing, probably just something minor and insignificant and probably he didn't even know he was doing it and..." I know. I've been there.

But. It's not helpful to people to say "yes you're right, it was only one tiny little thing that is insignificant and doesn't even matter and he probably didn't even mean it," when that's very obviously not what you think. That's not being kind. Any more than ordering someone to LTB when they're not ready for it is being kind.

user7680 · 04/05/2018 10:04

No means No!!!!so is STOP 🛑!!

ToffeeUp · 04/05/2018 10:05

Surely the fabric of a healthy marriage/partnership is that when one person says stop, the other person stops.

Quartz2208 · 04/05/2018 10:27

Rape is a techinical and legal term and I agree is not useful here when we have an OP who is dealing with something within her relationship

because here the issue he out his needs and pleasure ahead of hers, and as such caused her to be in pain. He did not think about that fact it was causing her hurt and distress and its that she needs to overcome and explain to him

Mintychoc1 · 04/05/2018 10:29

The people who think a man can get so caught up in the moment that they’re incapable of stopping - if his boss had walked in, would he have carried on for those 5 seconds? Or if his parents had appeared in the doorway? Of course people can stop when they’re moments away from orgasm, it just has to be a reason they find sufficiently compelling. It’s worrying that your DH didn’t think you saying “stop” mattered that much.

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 11:10

Quartz2208

The implication of your statement is that rape can't happen in a relationship. Welcome back to the 50s, eh?

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 11:12

And if you always call it rape, can it then be spoken about, learnt from, and become part of the fabric of a healthy marriage?

I clearly haven't had anywhere near enough coffee because I have no idea what you mean by that.

Me neither.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/05/2018 11:19

Wisdens I wonder if all you replying actually gives a fuck about the OP?

I do, but it's not just about the OP. This is a widely read, publicly accessible forum and many other women who are confused about their fundamental right to decide if, when, how and who they have sex with. And turn it around. The OP is confused but obviously concerned enough to have started the thread. Are you really suggesting we should try and polish the turd, give her a virtual hug and send her off thinking it's not that big a deal and she shouldn't make a fuss?

Stop means stop.
No means no.
Consent can be withdrawn at any time.
Intercourse without consent is rape.

Anyone who tries to skirt around those fundamental facts, suggest that husbands/OHs can rape but it's not always that big a deal, or any of the other minimizing excuses we've seen from various posters on this thread are from people who don't give a fuck about women full stop.

OneStepSideways · 04/05/2018 11:19

Are you sure he heard/processed what you said?

A few seconds before an orgasm is a strange time, blood is diverted away from the brain and you're in a bit of a trance. I'm not sure I'd be able to respond instantly to a command in that pre-orgasm state.

I've been in a similar situation with DH and jabbed his shoulder to indicate stop as he wasn't hearing me. He stopped, unaware he'd been hurting me. Sometimes a physical 'stop' cue works better, you could agree a cue together.

Quartz2208 · 04/05/2018 11:23

No my implication is that rape is a legal term which is very useful when dealing with people who want to go to the police but is not helpful when dealing with an OP who needs help in comes to terms with what has happened in her relationship. Yes it is rape - I strongly believe that but it does not help the OP at all.

Debating the ins and out of consent in this situation does not help the victim here who is having to deal with the implications of it. Which from her perspective is understanding that her partner put his feelings and pleasure not only at the expense of hers but in a way that caused her excruciating pain.

SleightOfMind · 04/05/2018 11:47

I’m not sure if I would have the clarity to turn on my heel and LTB immediately after this but I think the relationship would be shattered.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who’d done this during everyday sex, let alone shortly after surgery, when they were ‘being careful’.

Hope you’re ok OP. You do know he could have stopped immediately if he wanted to.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 11:55

@oneStepSideways

This is my experience too. Really pertinent advice

IlikemyTeahot · 04/05/2018 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 12:00

I should be shocked at the yoga group who say it's happened to them and seem quite nonchalent about it.
It backs up my view that marital rape is alive and well in 2018.
You may not want to divorce over it but at least call it what it is.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 12:05

I think that's extremely disrespectful to those who have suffered rape.

I don't feel disrespected at all. My attacker was a partner (with violence). The real hurt was someone who loved me could do that.

Pschologically more difficult to compute than a stranger jumping out in a dark alley. I can hate the stranger.
But hating and loving your partner at the same time really messed you up.

AngelsSins · 04/05/2018 12:09

So depressing to see so many women using the term “crying rape” and reminding us that false claims ruin men’s lives. We must always think of the poor poor men, who gives a shit that far more women’s lives are destroyed by rape.

GingerMcGrey · 04/05/2018 12:13

This happened to me but I said ouch rather than stop. DH said "too late now" and thrusted 3 or 4 more times before he came.

I don't know if he just doesn't notice my reactions when we have sex or if he doesn't care. Or does notice but doesn't know what to do about it.

Either way it's not good sex and doesn't feel good which is why we haven't done it for about 6 months.

Sometimes I enjoy it but a lot of the time it feels like access to my vagina is a service I provide, like laundry or food shopping.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/05/2018 12:16

Your situation is very, very similar to something that happened to me and my lovely DH.

@Luisa27 describes her situation as 'happening to' her and her DH. How odd.

What happened to your DH? Someone penetrated him, he said no for 5 seconds, but they kept on going? They raped him and you?

I'm so sorry.

ThymeLord · 04/05/2018 12:17

To those shouting rape....surely you can understand the difference between consenting and having someone brutally force themselves onto you

That is a really dangerous thing to say. It's only "real rape" if someone brutally forces themselves on you; have I read that right?

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 12:19

Ginger that's horrible. I think your comment about your vagina is a service to be spot on.
I think quite a few men regard it as such and if a woman doesn't deliver, she's not keeping up her side of the bargain.

GingerMcGrey · 04/05/2018 12:24

Queen I think you're right. I'd like to have good sex but have no idea where to start. Currently just avoiding the issue.

JacquesHammer · 04/05/2018 12:26

He did not however pin her down and fuck her against her will

Rape isn’t always violent. It is dangerous and misleading to suggest otherwise.

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 12:30

To those shouting rape....surely you can understand the difference between consenting and having someone brutally force themselves onto you

Yes, I do. Do you?

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 12:33

@GingerMcGrey that's absolutely hideous. You deserve so much better than that.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 12:38

Very eloquently put @likemyTeahot.
I agree wholeheartedly