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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
VivaKondo · 04/05/2018 08:15

Miss so are I saying that if you say YES to sex, the yoU never have the possibility to then withdraw your consent? Even if you are in pain??
Really?

Let’s put the OP situation into perspective. She had sex. Maybe because she somehow felt pressured to do so because her poor husband hadn’t sex for a while. Maybe because she thought that she ought to have sex was thing the first 6 weeks. Whatever the pressure, she felt she had to have sex even though she was worried it would hurt and was expecting to be very uncomfortable (see the ‘it wasn’t as bad as expected’ comment).
So here is someone who clearly made a huge effort to have sex.
And yes, she said YES.
But then as she is having sex and it becomes painful, she isn’t allowed to say NO anymore?
What if it was about anal sex and it was getting painful. Would she also have had to accept it because she said yes originally? (Which is what has happens to the numerous women who end up in A&E due to ‘rough’ anal sex that must have been painful seeing all the tearing there)

Or are you saying that it’s just the ‘rape’ word you disagree with?

In which case, how will you call the act of carrying to have sex with someone, with penetration of a penis, once the partner has withdrawn consent but had given their consent originally?
If it’s not rape. What is it? Just being a it disprespectful but really woman, just forget about it and get in with it? Sexual assault? What is it??

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 08:16

Pleasebepolite

You've really flummoxed me there. Does that mean, if I say no, it therefore wasn't a rape?

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:17

@luisa27 thanks I'm glad someone sees my point. I am a rape victim and it's not a tag you want to carry around for life. Especially when it's this situation. It's thrown around too lightly and it's also the reason that the justice system struggles to prosecute any more. Not by any means sayong its not horrid what has happened but I think people are jumping in too quick and have likely traumatised the poor woman when really all she wanted was comfort and some advise.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 04/05/2018 08:17

My exh raped me 2 weeks pp . I confronted him the next day and he denied doing anything wrong. I took my wedding ring off and made plans to leave. Took me 18 months to get house and finances sorted but I moved out. .
Over a decade later I know what he did was rape, and I personally couldn't be married to a rapist.

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:18

@vivakondo how have you automatically assumed she didn't want it and was somehow forced....she said she was enjoying it stop putting words in someone's mouth they haven't said its awful. I never said it was ok did i. Read my post

ArcheryAnnie · 04/05/2018 08:19

So to be clear. To all those claiming rape, a hypothetical question for you.

if this was your husband, you were happily married and in love with each other and he was a good man and you'd just had a child together, you would LTB and divorce over this 5 second incident?

First of all, pleasebepolite, it's not "claiming" rape. Someone who is penetrating you when you have asked them not to is rape. That's what rape is. You might not think it's "real" rape or whatever, but it is.

I don't know what I'd do. But I do know I'd judge a man who continued to feel sexual desire even knowing he was hurting me. If I was the one who was enjoying it, and my partner asked me to stop because they were in pain and I was hurting them, that would kill my desire immediately.

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:19

I never said she was crying rape for kickd...i meant people who have done it for revenge or to see people suffer not once did I say the op....read the post again

Newsofas · 04/05/2018 08:20

There needs to be more respect for women after they have given birth. GOs need to stop the 6 weeks expectation. We are adults. When we are ready to have sex we will. If it is painful we shouldn’t have sex. If a man had had an op on his penis he wouldn’t be having sex if it hurt and certainly GPs wouldn’t be telling him to have sex.

VivaKondo · 04/05/2018 08:20

Miss I also find it very interesting that you are making the fact your rapist wasn’t free une guilty the fault of ‘other’ women, not the justice system.
Even though those ‘other’ women who are crying wolf for no reason or falsely accusing men of rape are very very far in between.
But the justice system has been found again and again to let down women down.

Being raped by a stranger (who has been a serial rapist) is crap.
But so is being assaulted by your own partner in your house.

2andcountingtodate · 04/05/2018 08:21

You said stop
You told him it was uncomfortable
He told you he was going to carry on and come
He did.

The fact he was supportive after means nothing except that possibly it might be 1 minute, 2 minutes, 5 minutes after you say no next time. He should have been horrified and contrite at the very least.

Hold your breath for 5 seconds, it's longer then it sounds especially when you are in pain, powerless and ignored.

ghostyslovesheets · 04/05/2018 08:21

but she's saying she took a few seconds to compute as did op partner

No the op partner didn’t stop until he had come

Sorry OP I’m going to leave this ad it’s making me cross and I’m not sure this thread is helping you

Take care of yourself

hooochycoo · 04/05/2018 08:22

This is undoubtably a huge mistake on the part of the OP’s husband, a serious and important thing that has happened, and one that the OP and her husband undoubtably need to address and work out how and if to proceed from, either together or hopefully with support from trusted friends/family/ professionals.

Whether it’s a one off mistake from a selfish but otherwise good person and in the context of a good relationship, that needs addressing or whether it’s part of a pattern of behaviour and indicative of an abusive situation only to OP knows ,

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 08:23

@MissRegina - I think a lot of us understand exactly what you’re saying.
Some of this ultra reactionary, black/white rhetoric is deeply unsettling

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:23

@vivakondo really.......calling my story crao...do you want me to find the fucking news articles you insensitive bint. I was drugged in a bar. Over the course of two years so we're two other won. Took 3 years before finally he got to court

Pleasebepolite · 04/05/2018 08:23

53rdway

I'm sorry but this is crap, I actually do not believe you would end an otherwise perfectly happy marriage, deprive your new child of a loving family etc for a 5 second mistake. You are sensationalising what happened on here like many others.

It's no wonder that there is still a problem surrounding genuine rape cases where men end up getting away with it because there are too many women crying rape in cases such as this. None of this sensationalism helps women who have genuinely been raped.

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:24

@luisa27 I am worried for my daughter growing up if this is how society is getting

Original poster
bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 08:25

I’m still here! Thank you all. Lots to think about.

DH has never done anything like this before, no. Just to be clear, this wasn’t the first time after childbirth but I had to have some surgery to fix childbirth injuries a few weeks ago. I don’t ‘feel like’ I’ve been raped but I know that doesn’t count for anything. I’m going to talk to DH tonight.

OP posts:
VivaKondo · 04/05/2018 08:25

please I can tell you what happened to me.
I stayed. I tried to put it at the back of my mind.
I tried to find reasons why he couldnt have stopped.
I tried to convince myself that it was all me.

And then slowly, the lack of respect for me became more and more appearances and I left.

I wish I had realised at that time it was basically (or totally, see I’m still struggling myself on that) rape.
I wish I had realised that his total lack of respect for myself and my boundaries would never be a one off. And that I didn’t have to accept to see my boundaries walked all over just because it was my DH.
Because it would allowed me to feel free to leave, to say loud and clear THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE and avoid years of being miserable.

If you accept that it’s ok for someone to not respect your boundaries on sex, then why would you want anyone to respect your boundaries in anything else??

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2018 08:25

@pleasebepolite

I'd divorce someone who raped me for 5 seconds, 5 minutes or 5 hours. It's the rape itself that means divorce not the amount of time it went on for.

Also thanks to the man who said he could and would stop during sex. Can't remember the username but thanks.

Pleasebepolite · 04/05/2018 08:26

This reply has been deleted

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notoriousnames · 04/05/2018 08:26

I'm with villageshop

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:27

Hope your ok op and glad your goinf to talk it through xx

downthestrada · 04/05/2018 08:27

I think this is definitely rape. It’s also legally rape - there’s no getting away from that. If people want to be more lenient and have their own different definitions which are different from the law here in the U.K. (assuming op is in the U.K.) then that’s their choice to apply that to their own lives. But, it’s unreasonable to apply your own version of things to someone else.

Talith · 04/05/2018 08:27

YANBU OP. In the OPs position I might be very anxious about having sex again anytime soon. Difficult post partum sex put me off sex for months and months if not years.

Post partum sex is essentially someone roughly irrigating a part of the body which has just undergone physical injury. If it's hurting it's not a small thing in the big scheme of things. It's causing new injury, however slight. Take time to recover OP. X

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/05/2018 08:28

By the legal definition it was rape. Would I end the marriage? Well that depends on whether he accepted just how wrong his behaviour was and how respectful he was going forwards of my boundaries. People can make mistakes but the true test is do they learn from them or excuse them. He crossed the line but I don't think that necessarily means the marriage has to end.

Op whatever happens I hope things are better in the future Flowers