DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

What would you do if that friend punched you on the nose, you say stop it hurts, friend continues for another 5 seconds whilst you are clearly in pain, just because they are enjoying themselves?

I'd feel confused about why someone who was supposed to care about me could behave so horribly, talk to them about it and decide whether I could carry on being their friend. If, in my perception, it was severe enough to warrant reporting them for assault then I would do so. If not then I would assume this was my right and that no one could call me a violence apologist.

SingingTherapy. No-one is trying to convince the OP it is rape. Firstly because there is no 'convincing' about it, it is rape. Secondly posters are quite rightly challenging the posters that are saying this is not rape because, they are wrong. It has been said a good few times, this is a public forum, it is viewed by man people of all ages and used in the media, therefore it is extremely important to challenge rape apologists and call rape what it is, rape.

I have been raped three times in my life. The first time as a child. My parents excused it as 'kids being kids'. Because you know, kids rape other kids. It's not really rape, because it's kids huh?

Second time I was 18, at a house party and I was quite drunk so I went to bed. I woke up to find my skirt had been lifted up, knickers down and a party goer putting his penis inside me. I didn't tell him no, so it can't be rape. Instead I pretended to be asleep in the desperate hope he would leave me alone. I was too afraid to do anything and I had already learned that saying you have been raped gets you nowhere hadn't I? I had been drunk, I went to bed, I was wearing a skirt, I didn't try to stop him, I didn't say no. So it couldn't be rape huh?

Third time was two years ago, a boyfriend I was dating. We had a night out for a friend's birthday. Had a drunken row. I went to bed. In the morning I was surprised how much discharge I seemed to have. Later that evening my boyfriend told me he had sex with me whilst I was asleep. I was drunk and hadn't woken up. That wasn't rape either, because he was my boyfriend and I hadn't said no, because I was out for the count. I couldn't remember it, so that wasn't rape either was it?

Now, as said, the OP can choose to believe it wasn't rape if she wishes and I totally understand that. It took me many years to learn and accept the first two situations were rape. But it is so incredibly important that any other readers of this post know that regardless of the OP's feelings on the matter, what happened to her was rape. I fail to understand why some of these posters and unable to grasp that concept. There are no excuses or reasons that justify what this man did. There never is, where rape is concerned.

So op's husband "forgot" that first gaining and then ensuring continued consent is paramount if you don't want to rape someone.

Ok

Having had a similar surgery myself, had you had the all clear to have intercourse 3 weeks post op? You could have been in dangering of undoing the surgery surely? I'm assuming you felt up to it iniatally and weren't badgered into it?

I agree with the sensible posters on this thread, no means no whether its at the beginning, middle or end of proceedings. He could easily have pulled out and finished himself off, the thought of you in pain and crying while he carried on and came is horrifying and he doesn't seem to get it at all.

But it is so incredibly important that any other readers of this post know that regardless of the OP's feelings on the matter, what happened to her was rape. I fail to understand why some of these posters and unable to grasp that concept. There are no excuses or reasons that justify what this man did. There never is, where rape is concerned.

@lurchermummy, you say:

"No I don't think YABU, but nor do I think it's rape, I think he was thoughtless and selfish, and probably underestimated how much it hurt. I do think you need to talk about it and let him know how upset you are. He could have pulled out, he could have masturbated to finish, or just stopped and asked how you you were, especially knowing you had just had surgery. No man is "unable" to stop, he just chose not to."

This is the very definition of rape. Talk about cognitive dissonance.

@CollyWombles

I'm sorry you've been through all that. As a child you obviously had no idea what was happening. I remember at the age of about 10 watching the news and asking my F what the word 'rape' meant. He had been a defence barrister previously and he gave the legal definition, which went over my head. But I remember that he said it was sexual intercourse without the woman's consent. Clearly a child didn't count.

It didn't occur to me that that was what was happening to me, or that he was to blame for it all.

No wonder you didn't think there was any point in involving the police. I can say, though, that involving the police in a historical abuse investigation is one thing that really helped me. They were great. I understand that there wasn't enough evidence for the CPS to pursue it. The police traced the man who assaulted me us at knife point, and they were sure they had their man. The other abusers are dead, apart from my brother, who's seriously damaged and DSis and I both didn't feel right about him being charged. It was really empowering to report it, and the fact that they believed us meant a lot.

If the OP is able to report it then it can be very empowering, even if there's no conviction. But it has to be what she wants, not what she's badgered into.

OP, I hope you are doing ok.
I won’t join in the rape debate as have nothing to add that has not already been said.

The fact is you asked him to stop because it was hurting and he did not stop. That is horrible whatever word you use to describe it.

If my life partner did this to me, I would lose my respect and trust for him and would be very wary for the future.

It's fine Lizzie, when my DD unfortunately had a similar thing happen, it meant I was able to understand, support her and confirm to her that she was raped and it wasn't 'kids being kids'.

I didn't report it to the police, I offered my childhood abuser the chance to speak to me, to apologise and understand what he put me through. He ignored me so I outed him to the whole family. He insisted on speaking to my dad as he claimed he 'didnt remember anything' and once again my father, the rape apologist, told him it was kids being kids'. My step mother immediately went to his FB page to ask him if he was okay. Suffice to say, I cut a lot of people off. Challenging him did a lot more for me that trying to get him prosecuted and as he was also a minor, I doubt a conviction would have been had.

Anyways, I still don't see anyone insisting the OP reports her rape. I have seen people say she could if she chooses to, but aside from that, no-one is trying to force her.

As said before, No means No, rape is rape and anyone that minimises it, dismisses it or tries to excuse it, is a rape apologist and should be ashamed of themselves. This is one issue where without a doubt, women should stand in solidarity with each other.

What she shouldn't do is allow her DH to minimise what happened. I was very disturbed by his attitude of surprise that she was still upset by it. For me, that would spell the end of the relationship regardless of whether I reported it.

Agree 100%.

This is a betrayal.

I feel that calling it what it was and providing the definition will help clear the obfuscation the H has created here.

You were raped. Report the rape.

Possible consequences of reporting the rape:
End of marriage ..massive distress to children...financial hardship and moving house/downsizing ...family want to know what happened .." But that wasn't rape..that was him being clumsy selfish carried away".."you reported him to the police for THAT?!" .. " You've thrown away a good marriage because hardline feminists on mumsnet wanted to use you to prove a point?" ....etc etc ..
Just one scenario where op gets the full victim blaming thing ..I've seen something similar and years later the children really blamed their mother for their disrupted childhood and distraught father who minimised what happened . It's not so simple in real life sometimes .

ginandbearit

It is 100% up to the OP. She has been told to report the rape (not by me). She has been told it can't be rape unless it is something she is willing to report. People on both sides of this debate are guilty of forgetting that her next steps are hers to decide, no one else's. If she wants to report the fact that someone had sex with her without consent, she can, because this is a crime.

Oh I agree completely ...but this illustrates the complex reasons many women don't report acts like this ...and this thread shows how people assess 'degrees of rape' in real life and the judgements that go with that.

ginandbearit

Yes, but they need to stop it. The OP is not obligated to report what happened to her, but nor is anyone else empowered to rewrite laws to tell her what happened to her didn't happen, or was minor, etc.

The OP is not obligated to report what happened to her

I'm not so sure of that morally. Part of reporting serious crime is about protecting other people from the perpetrators, and not just an independent judgment as to whether you were really affected or not. This comes up perhaps more often in child abuse cases and is why, often, people eventually step forward after years of fear - not just for themselves, but to protect others.

Reporting a rape - be it within a relationship or outside - is a harrowing experience that can further traumatise the person involved. It's all well & good to say that morally a victim of rape should report it...unfortunately the resources are not there to fully support them whilst doing so, or afterwards.

That was true for me, balsamicbarbara I reported the one that was still alive because I was concerned he might be a danger to other children. And I had the reassurance at the end that the allegation would be on his record in a DBS check, meaning that he won't ever be able to work with children. That was very much a comfort. Also, at least DSis and I did what we could.

But it's a harrowing process. The man was a stranger to me, and my abusive F is dead. For the OP to report her DH is a whole different ball game. So I wouldn't ever make a judgement on what she should or shouldn't do.

I ended up dropping charges against the one rapist i reported. Despite CCTV of him dragging me down an alleyway at knife point, then running off & me coming out of said alley in hysterics, the police made life as difficult as possible for me. It was absolutely soul destroying & in some respects worse than the actual attack!!

It was bad enough reporting what my brother did. My DM really guilt tripped me about it, that he wouldn't cope in prison blah blah. DSis and I agreed that we didn't want to pursue it, and because he's a vulnerable adult, the police agreed that it wasn't in the public interests to charge him. But it was all very difficult.

That's so awful, @mustbemad17 I'm sorry.

Thanks lizzie, thankfully i had support elsewhere & now feel stronger despite it. I'm aghast that your mum made life difficult for you 😔

I know, she actually asked me to ask what penalties he might be facing. But then, she's always expected me to look out for him. I know he was a victim, too, and he's vulnerable, but I'm finally putting my own family first and I'm low contact with both of them. She didn't even ask how I was coping with having reported him.

😱😱 my folks didn't know how to handle it when i told them but they were at least supportive of me falling apart

I'm glad they were supportive of you, I get that it's hard to deal with. In my mum's case, she sufferedn SA herself as a child, at the hands of an uncle, who was her guardian after she was orphaned at 10. She has expressed herself devastated when my DSis and I told her what had happened. She says she had no idea, we have no idea whether we believe her or not. She's good at making it all about her as well, getting all upset if we ever talk about the past. She has asked me not to talk about it so I don't spoil her time with her DGDs.

Rant over. At least I have a lovely DH and DDs, and my DSis and her family. And some supportive friends too. Hope you have the support you need as well. Therapy can be really helpful too.