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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Unicornsandrainbows3 · 07/05/2018 05:44

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Please reach out to Women's aid or rape crisis if you need IRL support. It will take time to process so please be gentle with yourself.

Sofialemon · 07/05/2018 05:46

@balsamicbarbara

"A raised voice" is domestic violence? In that case I'm a victim of abuse, and so is my husband, my children and pretty much everyone one I know. What a ridiculous statement.

I

Sofialemon · 07/05/2018 06:01

@Unicornsandrainbows3

Ffs, Womens Aid, Rape Crisis?!

I wish op would come back to give some info re her relationship in general. If she is in an abusive relationship and this incident is just the latest of many then yes she needs help.

However, if this was a one off (which is what it seemed like from her posts) then I think a talk with her husband (which op has done) then not having sex again until op feels ready and wants to is enough.

All this talk of reporting to the police, divorce and getting help from Rape Crisis is just so ridiculous.

Op was initially enjoying the sex, op seemingly wanted to have sex. It became painful and so she asked him to stop, he continued for 5 seconds until he came. Yes that was wrong and unacceptable but without any other context, to call the husband a rapist seems slightly hysterical.

I sometimes feel sorry for men after reading posts on here.

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 06:22

Op was initially enjoying the sex, op seemingly wanted to have sex. It became painful and so she asked him to stop, he continued for 5 seconds until he came. Yes that was wrong and unacceptable but without any other context, to call the husband a rapist seems slightly hysterical.

The information you have included in here is precisely what makes him a rapist, isn't it? He continued for 5 seconds until he came...after she had said stop.

Do tell me, where is your personal line? What if his orgasm had taken 10 seconds to achieve? 30? What defines rape, if not the absence of consent?

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/05/2018 06:30

I sometimes feel sorry for men after reading posts on here.

Yes, it's definitely the rapey men we should be feeling pity for.

My God.

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 06:31

@AnyFucker even if the op reported this to the police I very much doubt they would even go as far as arresting the husband

I don't disagree there, but why is that?

mathanxiety · 07/05/2018 06:34

Maybe she's in the hospital getting stitched back up again, Sofia...

Luisa27 · 07/05/2018 07:09

What a truly nasty, vile and utterly disrespectful comment from @mathanxiety
Distasteful in the extreme

Luisa27 · 07/05/2018 07:12

We can all have opinions, and disagree vehemently - but to actually write something like that is really nasty

Luisa27 · 07/05/2018 07:20

Do others on here truly believe that a raised voice is domestic violence? I’m genuinely curious?

mathanxiety · 07/05/2018 07:23

Sofia wishes the OP would come back to describe her relationship in general, and there have been accusations that some posters here have frightened her away.

It is entirely possible after experiencing pain during intercourse that brought tears to her eyes that her surgery site has suffered some injury, and that she has had to have it looked at.

Luisa27 · 07/05/2018 07:32

If you’d written that initially @mathanxiety - then of course your concern would have been genuine. And understandable to many.

However, what you wrote was a distasteful, crude statement intended to shock. You wrote it to ‘shut down’ and belittle the opinions of another poster - not through genuine concern for the OP - that’s the difference

I won’t be responding to you again, your energy isn’t good

ItsNotAboutBeingRightYouKnow · 07/05/2018 07:38

I think some people need to have a long, honest think about their motivation for continuing to post on this thread. Are you here because you genuinely want the OP to be ok? or are you here because you want to be able to triumphantly declare that you were right and all those who disagreed with you were wrong? which is more important to you?

mathanxiety · 07/05/2018 07:40

If the raised voice is part of a coercive pattern and/or if it causes fear or a change of behaviour in the victim, it is DV.

It comes under the heading of emotional or psychological abuse that includes yelling, name calling, shaming and blaming.

Also included under this heading separately from yelling are isolation, threats of violence, intimidation, and controlling behaviour.

mathanxiety · 07/05/2018 07:44

Or maybe I was heading out somewhere and decided to post a quick response suggesting the very obvious reason the OP has not been back on the thread before I left, Luisa?

You are scraping the bottom of the barrel with your 'energy' comment.

A good few posters here have decided to ignore the fact that the OP had vaginal surgery recently and that the pain brought tears to her eyes, for reasons of their own.

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 07:45

ItsNotAboutBeingRightYouKnow

Here's mine: it's not about the OP. I am not sure she is reading the replies and - let's face it - she has probably heard more than enough. Neither, though, is it about 'being right'. There are hundreds of threads on here and hundreds of issues I could target to validate my sense of my own intelligence. It isn't about that. It's about the other women. Women who will be reading these disgusting replies, questioning their right to make decisions about their own bodies, dismissing the legal definition of a crime, drawing down meaningless distinctions (even, some of them, women who have been assaulted themselves) and will be thinking they have to accept this sort of treatment. That they have to be forgiving. That they are making a fuss. That perhaps, after all, it was a 'relatively small thing'. For those women.

Sofialemon · 07/05/2018 07:45

@mathanxiety

I think it's more likely that the op decided the posts here are not helpful to her than that she is in hospital "being stitched up". What a vile comment.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 07/05/2018 07:48

I offered suggestions because the OP may want to talk to a professional for support and advice. Rape crisis offers this.

Lizzie48 · 07/05/2018 07:49

It should be completely obvious to a man if his wife is allowing him to have sex through gritted teeth. The fact that he gets pleasure out of it is extremely unpleasant. I've done that myself, but only because we were TTC and it was ovulation day. (I turned out to be infertile so it was all for nothing in the end.) But otherwise my DH was always very caring about my difficulties, which sadly means that we haven't had full sex in over 4 years. Sad

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 07:52

Lizzie48

Sadly there are some men who don't care and others who enjoy reluctance.

2andcountingtodate · 07/05/2018 07:54

I sometimes feel sorry for men after reading posts on here.

Me too. At least when they are treated like simpletons who can't do anything once their cock is hard. Several male posters have rubished the 'point of no return as have several posters partners, all seeing the Ops husband as a selfish arsehole. Not to mention anyone who ever used the withdrawal method.

The men that perpetuate this myth are skeevey fucks only after their own orgasm, the women who believe it ...concerning.

Luisa27 · 07/05/2018 07:54

This is a really interesting point...and one which I asked myself yesterday.

For me @ItsNotAboutBeing - the reason I initially posted was to empathise with the OP, and to hopefully reassure her she wasn’t alone - if that makes sense?

I kept on reading because I’m interested in the views of others, and I like to hear them - especially in situations where ( to me) there is no rigid black/white definition
I also feel It’s important to express our personal views in important issues like this one, because otherwise the whole thread can become an echo chamber of people vociferously stating the same ‘facts’ over and over. A bit like Brexshit ( sorry to mention the B word

My DH asked me the same question too “why the hell are you joining in with this - it’s the weekend - we’re relaxing - blah blah” - anyhow, those are my reasons.

Regarding your question on being right or wrong - I’m not sure there is a ‘right’ answer to the OP’s situation - so proving the validity of my viewpoint, isn’t, for me, paramount.

JacquesHammer · 07/05/2018 07:57

Yes that was wrong and unacceptable but without any other context, to call the husband a rapist seems slightly hysterical

And now the misogyny comes into play. Darn those hysterical woman who think lack of consent is rape.

I sometimes feel sorry for men after reading posts on here

I know right? Those poor men who continue to have sex without consent. We should all totes feel sorry for them

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 07:58

Luisa27

Why are you so interested in asserting - wrongly - that there is no rigid black and white definition of rape, 'grey areas' and so on? It's balls. There IS.

BettyBaggins · 07/05/2018 07:58

@bijouhibou How did that chat go with your dp?

I hope you are feeling ok and brave to have and keep having more open communication with your dp. I have been in a similar situation though he was a newer b/f, I freaked out and dumped him.

I think a lot of the posters here are lacking empathy for you and your post and using this thread to discuss rape and its many aspects without considering what it might feel like for you to have so many messages almost shouting at you you have been raped you have been raped....it feels verbally abusive and quite quite awful of them in my humble opinion.

Do try and let us know how the chat went. I was very touched by your post about if you, were your friend, you'd go get her to sleep on your sofa. You need some tlc and its ok to kick someone you love in the goolies if they are hurting you. What you do about this is utterly your choice. I do hope this is one moment of madness and some stern reducation will sort out your hubbies selfishness. If there are other areas of concern maybe you can think in more detail about the best move forward for you and baby.I