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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Sofialemon · 06/05/2018 22:07

@Luisa27 & @lurchermummy I agree with everything you've said.

I feel many posters on here have their own issues and are using this thread for their own agenda.

It's a shame that the op probably won't come back to this thread and is possibly seriously questioning her relationship. I hope she doesn't take any notice of the awful "advice" given on here and speaks to someone she actually knows about how she feels.

Luisa27 · 06/05/2018 22:10

@DCuntess - I’ve never written the words “gritted teeth Confused - you’re confusing me with someone else

mathanxiety · 06/05/2018 22:11

Luisa27 Sun 06-May-18 21:50:24
People are different, opinions vary, relationships are myriad - it’s interesting to hear how others view things....would be very dull to live in an echo chamber of similar voices

The statements on what constitutes rape are not opinions, Luisa.
The analysis of what happened is not personal opinion.
They are statements of what the law says.

The law being an echo chamber of sorts I suppose, since it keeps on returning to the same basic statement "sex without consent equals rape".

You are welcome to carry on believing that rape is in the eye of the beholder, but you are wrong. If you were correct, then women who were drunk or incapacitated by date rape drugs or fentanyl and whose rapists had somehow not inflicted injury on them could not be described as victims of rape.

The beauty of the law is that it bases the crime in the lack of consent.

Luisa27 · 06/05/2018 22:13

Thank you @Sofialemon - that means a lot

I agree - some of the posters definitely do have an agenda

Pumperthepumper · 06/05/2018 22:15

What agenda could there be for telling other women ‘you should not be treated like this, you don’t have to accept this’? I can’t see a downside to this.

CollyWombles · 06/05/2018 22:20

I'm so sad to read this thread. It's hard enough for women to report rape and be believed, without women unable to agree on what rape is. As said many times, NO means NO. No grey areas. No reasons, excuses. When a woman says to stop and a man does not, regardless of the time it takes for him to, whether he is at the point of orgasm, whether he is married or any other rape apologist bullshit, it is rape. This husband had consentual sex with his wife, that changed to non consentual and he continued. That, is rape.

It's not man hating, it is calling a spade a spade. Not dressing it up to try and soothe the OP. I am deeply disappointed by many of the replies on this thread.

OP, sometimes when I have sex with my DH, it becomes painful. As soon as I tell him so, my DH stops. This is because he would never want to be responsible for causing me pain. This is because he respects me and my right to stop sex that is painful for me. A good few times it gets painful when he is getting close to orgasm yet he stops. This is because he is not a rapist.

I will say, however, that sadly, in part because of the conflicted views on rape like you have seen on this thread, it is incredibly difficult to report rape and be believed.

What you do know, is that you can never trust your husband to stop if you ask him to. He has shown you this. Whether you can handle that, is of course, your decision. I'm sorry that this happened to you, by someone you love.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/05/2018 22:26

Apologies Luisa27 if it wasn't you who said they pushed through sex with gritted teeth until it got too much. You've been at pains to say how similar your situation was with the OP's. And the OP said she had tears in her eyes the pain was so bad.

There is no agenda on my part, other than to get the message across that sex should not be like this, and many, many men are better than this. And - every women deserves a man who cares enough about them not to do this. Ever.

Luisa27 · 06/05/2018 22:31

@DCuntess - don’t worry, apology accepted Smile

Wasn’t “at pains” to say - just felt it was pertinent from an empathetic perspective, that’s all. I wanted to sort of say to the OP - “yes, I get it”

  • if you see what I mean?
Lethaldrizzle · 06/05/2018 22:32

But if this issue is so black and white then surely it should be reported

MrsDeltaB · 06/05/2018 22:40

I have to agree with a PP (sorry no name recalled). Please take the technical views away from this thread. All the definitions etc are not helpful.

Was he a bastard for this? Yes. 100%

Was he wrong for this? Yes. 100%

Does OP reserve the right to be incredibly pissed off with him? Yes. 100%

Should she reserve the right to be reluctant to have sex again? Yes. 100%

Should he be crawling on his ass in apology and remorse? Yes. 100%

Should he be classed as, accused and treated as the scum that makes a rapist? No. 100%

He was thoughtless, selfish, wrong, and words I can't express but I'm sorry, I can't scream rapist in this.

That does not make me an apologist. And I will stand by that. I am not condoning his actions but feel rape is too far a call.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/05/2018 23:14

You don't need to 'scream' rapist, MrsDeltaB. It's perfectly fine to just say it.

Again, the laws doesn't differentiate by what people 'feel'. The law is the law, as uncomfortable as that might be.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2018 23:19

MrsD, your lofty opinion, so generously given, means the square root of Fuck All in the eyes of the law

Op may choose not to go down that route, but if she felt able to she would be entirely justified

TJEckleburg · 06/05/2018 23:28

There is no point of no return. There is only a point at which his wishes override yours.

I was married to a man like this for 20 years. I thought we loved each other. I thought it was entirely normal. It’s not. Or rather it is, but it sure as hell shouldn’t be.

We separated 18 months ago. I finally realised that his wishes would always override mine, not just sexually, though over the years that had happened more and more. It was the best thing I ever did.

I now have a new man. When we met I was a bit freaked out during sex sometimes. There would be some things that he did that triggered me- totally my issues not his. But every time I said stop- every time I even started to look a tiny bit uncomfortable, he stopped. He stopped because he didn’t want to have sex with someone who wasn’t totally enjoying it. Nice men don’t.

CollyWombles · 06/05/2018 23:30

If a woman is a victim of domestic abuse, but does not believe or feel she is, does that mean she isn't? Of course not. Many women take years to leave an abusive partner and years to even accept they are being abused.

Just because the OP may not feel she has been raped, it doesn't mean it isn't rape. Whilst the OP started this thread, this is a discussion forum with thousands of readers. I'd prefer someone read this thread, realised they are a victim of rape and seek help than read it, feel they are being 'overdramatic' and continue to put up with it.

'Scream rape' MrsD? Come on now. You must realise how offensive that is or you are incredibly naive. Rape is a very serious matter. You say you aren't a rape apologist but you don't come across that way at all.

DebHam · 06/05/2018 23:33

I'm sorry you're married to a rapist, please report him.

Khaleesi0 · 06/05/2018 23:38

I'm actually pissed off with the amount of people here excusing this man.

I've been in a similar situation, when my now ex had an operation he needed time to recuperate. We had sex some weeks later, I was on top and about to orgasm when I asked me to stop as he was in pain. I stopped immediately and made sure he was ok, it never would've crossed my mind to continue!

CollyWombles · 06/05/2018 23:53

For those that don't think this is rape, I'd love to know what you do define as rape?

balsamicbarbara · 07/05/2018 00:21

"over what I'd class as a relatively small incident"

That's your right, but I'm not sure most nowadays would consider marital rape to be a "small incident".

It's a bit like domestic violence. Some people think it requires years of sustained, heavy violence. But at the end of the day, any scrap of violence in the domestic setting is domestic violence, whether that's a single slap, a raised voice, or a punch to the head.

DebHam · 07/05/2018 00:23

Not sure why he didn't pull out and cum? Pulling out wouldn't have stopped him. He raped instead :(

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 02:22

MrsDeltaB

'All the definitions are not helpful'.

What, except yours? And, to boot, yours is wrong as well? How is that more helpful than a correct definition?

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 02:24

Sofialemon

Whether or not you or I would end a marriage over this is blindingly irrelevant. The fact that it is the first time is blindingly irrelevant. Neither changes what this is.

'Relatively small' is not how I would choose to describe this, but crack on with the minimising.

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 02:35

Should he be classed as, accused and treated as the scum that makes a rapist? No. 100%

Why?

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/05/2018 03:52

It's incredible to think that the law-makers of a generation ago - many (most?) of whom would've been men - could get their heads around the concept of 'concept' and 'bodily autonomy' to the extent that rape within marriage was made illegal.

But there are still (young) women today who don't think they have full rights over their own bodies.

Rape isn't only violent. And it isn't only done by evil strangers.

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/05/2018 03:53

*concept of 'consent'

Sofialemon · 07/05/2018 05:42

@MrsDeltaB

That's exactly my thoughts, the husband has been selfish and thoughtless but imo saying it was rape is going too far.

@AnyFucker even if the op reported this to the police I very much doubt they would even go as far as arresting the husband.

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