DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

@balsamicbarbara

God, really? You would report your husband to the police in this situation?

The op has said very little about how their relationship is in general. If in every other way it is great and this is the first time this has happened and he has apologised then I think calling it rape and talking about reporting it to the police is a massive overreaction.

If he is generally a shit husband & father, had been dismissive of how she felt about this or was abusive in any way then fair enough.

Sofialemon

That isn't how we determine guilt, though, is it? Are you generally a nice person? Oh, well, that's okay, then. You must have punched him by mistake. Are you a horrible person? Sorry, it's assault for you. Doesn't work like that.

He actually was dismissive about how she felt.

Probably neither here nor there to you.

But surely you would take into account the history of the relationship and the circumstances in which this happened? I wouldn't throw a perfectly happy marriage away over what I'd class as a relatively small incident, if it is genuinely the first time it's happened.

The op should have discussed this with a close friend who she trusts the opinion of. Imo posting on here is about the worst thing she could have done in this situation. I wouldn't be surprised if she feels worse than before she posted.

No I don't think YABU, but nor do I think it's rape, I think he was thoughtless and selfish, and probably underestimated how much it hurt. I do think you need to talk about it and let him know how upset you are. He could have pulled out, he could have masturbated to finish, or just stopped and asked how you you were, especially knowing you had just had surgery. No man is "unable" to stop, he just chose not to.

@Sofialon - my thoughts exactly.

I hope the OP is ok because some of these posts are frankly disturbing.

Been discussing this with my DH this afternoon - we had a similar incident last summer. I think if I’d posted on here and read some of the things that have been written I’d be totally freaked out.

@lurchermummy - good points raised.
Great name - I’m a Lurcher mummy too

Ooops @Sofialemon - typo -trying to type and make pesto at the same time

I wouldn't be surprised if she feels worse than before she posted

I couldn't agree more. I find it very hard to believe that the loudest and most vociferous posts on this thread really have OP's best interests at heart.

@GoodFortuneAttendThee - that’s exactly what my DH said word for word

Yes Luisa27 - you've told us several times now that your DH also had sex with you after you'd told him to stop.

Clearly, this thread is very uncomfortable for you.

It doesn't matter whether you - or indeed anyone that this has happened to - doesn't think it was rape. Of course you need to think it wasn't.

Sex without consent - or once consent has been withdrawn - is rape.

I would also be feeling a lot worse after this thread in the same position, because I'd be dealing with an unpalatable truth about my DH. As you are.

I’ve gone a bit funny reading this. Yes, he should’ve stopped straight away. Absolutely no doubt about it!! I’m so sorry x

that’s exactly what my DH said word for word

I’m not sure we should be placing any worth on the opinion of a man who has sex with you without your consent.

I can understand totally why this thread is uncomfortable for you when you’re in a similar position

If anyone’s interested to read my previous posts - I’ve mentioned ONCE before that we’d experienced a similar situation in our relationship.
I didn’t ever say I told my DH to stop....simply that we’d experienced something very similar.

I do find it cruel that some women are so scathing of the thoughts or opinions of other women that differ to their own.

For this lady to comment so contemptuously about my lovely DH and my relationship - of which she knows absolutely nothing -makes me feel sad for her.

@Luisa and yet I’ve never experienced anything similar. So please don’t feel sad for me. Rather I feel sorry for you that it’s happened to you and you’ve normalised it

And please, don’t think for one moment that this thread is uncomfortable for me...I’m genuinely interested in the opinion of others

People are different, opinions vary, relationships are myriad - it’s interesting to hear how others view things....would be very dull to live in an echo chamber of similar voices

I’ve mentioned ONCE before that we’d experienced a similar situation in our relationship.

So we're talking about a man either so hopeless in the sack that he can't even tell his partner's not only not enjoying it, but is actually in pain (gritting teeth?) - when his face is inches from hers (best case)....

...or is so callous that he just doesn't care (worst case).

Not a great choice.

relationships are myriad

If we’re suggesting rape is all part of the wondrous fabric of relationships then something is very wrong.

I have had several relationships, many partners and it’s never once been something I’ve experienced because decent men understand “stop”

It's not at all similar if you didn't tell your H to stop, Luisa.

When you tell someone to stop and they don't then that's rape.

@DCuntess

Gosh?? Finding it a little bit weird that you’re attempting to recreate what happened during (our) intercourse in such detail - but hey whatever ....
To clarify - as you’re so interested...
our situation was discomfort after I initiated sex a few weeks after pp surgery - we were both very aroused and had missed the intimacy- so weren’t as careful as we perhaps should have been - probably more me than DH to be honest. We talked about it afterwards and it hasn’t been a problem subsequently

Once you tell your H to stop, Luisa, then the situation is completely different.

If you were lying there with gritted teeth getting through it as best you could, you were having sex with a brute.

He would become a rapist if and when he was aware that you did not consent (or that consent had been withdrawn).

He should have been aware of course, that you were in pain. And really and truly you should have told him and asked him to stop. The fact that you felt some higher aim was to be achieved by letting him treat you like that is sad.

Luisa27 how is that in any way similar to the OP’s situation?

You were the one who described it in the first place, and used the words 'gritting teeth'.

Hard not to draw some pretty bad conclusions about someone who thinks that's good sex.

I am glad we’re all talking about this though - and that lots of us have very differing opinions