DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

Hopefully by calling what happened to OP by it's legal definition, rape, women in similar situation can validate their feelings and realise they don't have to keep to grin and bear.

I'm really glad to hear that you have a supportive partner now. My DSis's first DH was violent to her, he sounds like how you've described your ex. She, too, has a really lovely second DH. It's lovely to see how supportive he is of her.

Your mum really does sound like mine. It's just the sort of thing that she used to say. Her idea of sex education was to suggest trying with a German sausage. I don't think she's ever had a positive thing to say about sex, you just have it to keep your partner happy. It's very sad really.

Lizzie48 I so admire your strength.

Awful experiences can lead to a great strength- they have for me. I am a survivor, and actually a greater person because of it.

I finally found the strength to leave my OH after years of being battered and thrown against walls.
At the time he had terminal cancer, and his temper became unmanageable He had 9 months to live.
When I left I became a social outcast- who could leave their husband while he was suffering a terminal illness!!
Our friends, my family- his family all refused to even speak to me.

Thank you for your kind words, speakout, yes I'm a survivor, too, but I'm also very damaged psychologically. I have complex PTSD and I'm on long-term medication. The damage was hidden for years so when the memories came back, it was like going through it again.

I'm sorry you went through all that. All too often women are expected to suffer in silence.

I am so sorry Lizzie48, you have been through so much. No one deserves that.

Don't lose hope. It took me a long while to recover, but I did, and then more. Like a phoenix and then more.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am grateful for my bad experiences, but they have shaped me, strengthened me as a person, partner and parent.

I hope you too find resolution soon.

Sadly, prior to 1991 (R v R) the fact that a woman was married meant that consent was not an issue within a marriage as being married meant that a woman had no right to say no to sex from her husband.

That was over 25 years ago and it is about time that everybody caught up and stated realising that rape is rape, married or not.

PersianCatLady yes thanks for reminding us.

I was married in 1984, my husband raped me regularly. I spoke to the Samaritans, the police. I had no courage to leave but he had the right to violate me against my will.
No one was interested.

I grew up in the 1960s. Marital violence ( while illegal) was ignored. Brushed off by police as a " domestic" Women would be brutally beaten. Police would walk away.

In my own experience of DV it is only fairly recently that it has been taken seriously, illegal or not. I was in an horrific relationship when i was 19, only 11 years ago...i was once punched in the face in the middle of the town centre, in full view of passers by & also of two police officers. It was duly ignored. This was thrown at me regularly; 'if the police don't care about it why would anybody else?'
Had somebody stepped in perhaps I wouldn't have stayed with him another year, who knows.

mustbemad17 you were good to get out anyway.

I didn't tbh speakout, he walked away after i lost our son at 32 weeks. Despite him being the cause - he launched me down the stairs then gave me a good kicking - he blamed me. So he walked. I think this experience & others is why i now have a one strike policy with anything that shows someone does not respect me - so violence, not respecting my body etc. Situations like OPs being casually brushed aside make me shudder because that is how my relationship began to spiral

mustbemad17 I am so sorry. XX Come join our strong survivor's club.

@speakout
Sorry I didn't mean to upset you.

I am also sorry that happened to you.

PersianCatLady no you have not upset me. I am grateful that you have highlighted these facts.
I am a strong survivor.

@speakout
You sound like a wonderful and inspirational woman

Your strong survivors' club sounds like something I would find helpful.

Thanks Speakout. Taken me a while to get past it but am now in a place where i can talk about it now. Strong survivors club sounds great!

his orgasm was more important to him than your pain

This.

You told him you were uncomfortable, he told you he was going to cum anyway and let you be in pain for five seconds while he finished. This may not be an issue for the police or the divorce courts, but it shouldn't be glossed over either.

You need to have a talk with him about consent. When you tell him to stop, it stops - it doesn't matter if he is mid jizz. At no point should a loving partner allow their momentary pleasure to be a priority over your physical pain.

Thanks for sharing

Great to see some good sense on this thread.

Shall I start a strong survivors club thread?

That's a really good idea, Speakout, I for one would really appreciate a thread like that and I'm sure a lot of other survivors would benefit from it.

To be honest I'm shocked OP hasn't reported this to the police and kicked him out. There was a similar thread several months back where MNers helped a woman in a similar situation leave an abusive relationship with her rapist partner and she left at the first opportunity.

Sofialemon

This seems to have turned into a discussion about rape.
No shit Sherlock.

The word rape is used to describe what happened because that is what happened, and because the truth is empowering.

JAPAB Sun 06-May-18 08:53:37
mathanxiety if you are facing someone, have your eyes open, can see that they are in pain and have tears in their eyes, yet carry on anyway, then clearly your partner has big problems in addition to the initial not stopping

Yes indeed. And being 'supportive' afterwards makes up for that? WTF...

I'm not shocked tbh. The OP clearly loves her DH and doesn't want to see what he did as rape. And she also has a young baby, which means she's in a very vulnerable position. It's so easy to give advice from behind a keyboard.