DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

I was discussing this with my partner and asked him if we were having sex and he was about to cum and I said stop how would you react. He looked confused and said "obviously stop otherwise it's rape".
Consent by law, can be withdrawn at any point during sex. OP withdraw her consent and DH continued to satisfy himself. It's inexcusable. And the worst is he doesn't feel like he has done anything wrong.

This thread is so depressing.

Shame on all you rape apologists.

The fact that this thread is so divided just demonstrates that people lack the understanding of consent and the fact that consent can be withdrawn anytime not necessarily before the act but during. The law has changed to reflect this and rightly so.

To those posters who were raped I’m sorry for what happen to you all however that doesn’t give you the right to disregard what happened to op as nothing. You have no right to do so based on your own experiences.

Equally no-one has a right to call others 'heartless rape apologists'. It's just mud slinging.

I asked Dh the same somefolkaresoentiteled and he said the same as your partner with an added 'what an arsehole' when i explained why. I also asked whether he had heard of the point of no return, he had and said it was bullshit selfish guys and mainly those that want to avoid pulling out (like withdrawal method) go on about. He thought it was pretty crappy (for them) that so many women think that men truly have no control, that these atsehoke men have convinced them.

@DannyLaRuesBestFrock

Don’t misquote me on a public forum. I hope you fully understand the utter lack of integrity this reflects upon you.

Never once did I say that I, or others thought “the OP should just get over it” EVER. If anyone is interested to read what I have , in fact, said - then go have a read. But please, don’t be like @DannyLaRuesBestFrocks - her attitude is really insulting to the OP.

@DannyLaRuesBestFrocks - read my posts and disagree with my opinions all you like - but don’t misquote me - it makes you look unintelligent, reactionary, poorly informed, and reallly shit at ‘quoting’ people.
If you’d like to improve your bibliography skills @DannyLaRuesBestFrocks - I can recommend some ( very basic) sites

Thanks Luisa. Lovely stuff. You sound great 👌🤗.

Apologies if I misquoted you.

The fact that my misquote is all you have taken from this thread makes me feel sad for you ☹️.

Oh - just to add @DannyLaRuesBestFrocks - this is a one off dialogue with you. Not an attempt to derail this thread.

I won’t be responding to you again.

Don’t misquote me

Under testing, the female orgasm is actually stronger and more pleasurable than the male orgasm.
A few seconds before I come I reach a point I can only compare to reaching the top of a rollercoaster. If stimulation stops at this point I will not orgasm. I believe this is the point dp's op reached. He could have stopped, he chose not to
There is no mystique to the male orgasm, its the same as ours -just not as strong.
If I have to stop because my partner is in pain - tough.

Equally no-one has a right to call others 'heartless rape apologists'. It's just mud slinging.

^ I agree. Just rape apologists is entirely factual. The rest is obvious anyway

He may have felt unable to stop the orgasm from occurring, BUT he could (and should) have pulled out to prevent further discomfort to you; as do all men practising the withdrawal method.

He needs to understand how this has affected you and that what he did would be classed as rape; even if neither of you think of it as that.

You also need to be reassured that this won't happen again, and frankly, if he can't see that he did anything wrong, then that's probably something you won't be able to guarantee or be reassured about.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope that you feel able to discuss it openly and come to some conclusions about how you'll go forward from this.

Words Fail me.

(((((soft Hugs)))) OP, if you want them.

Op, you said if a friend came to you and disclosed this, you would make a comfy spot on the couch for them.

You Need to be that kind to yourslef.

His response to your 'chat' wasn't good.

@espresso couldn’t agree with you more.

To those disbelieving his ability to stop short.

How do you explain the old Catholic 'Withdrawal method'

Hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmm

I agree that when people say he 'couldn't stop in time' they mean he couldn't stop himself ejaculating, but I think there is also an assumption that, since he was going to ejaculate, he had the right to keep going, and that I find utterly unacceptable and sad.

Or how many women have experimented with something it turned out they didn't really enjoy?

A couple of times. I told my partners I wasn’t enjoying what we were doing. We stopped.

It’s not really rocket science is it?

village forgiveness, hollow laugh. I did not hear of her dh apologising or trying to make it right, in fact he seems to have a get over it mentality and minimising what he did.

Equally no-one has a right to call others 'heartless rape apologists'.

Really? Legal reference? You may not agree with me but that does not equate to me not having a right to express my opinion with words of my choosing.

I'm happy to be a weirdo, though I'd appreciate you not swearing at me.

The time IS important though, as most people have talked about, and considered it as fact, when it is just an estimate.

Even those that don't think this was rape, would accept it was, if he continued for minutes. And those that think this was rape, probably wouldn't, if he'd stopped in half a second. So where does that line lie?

Whether it was in fact 1 second, 5 seconds or 10 seconds makes a huge difference here, given reaction times etc.

The time IS important though, as most people have talked about, and considered it as fact, when it is just an estimate.

Jesus. Can people stop going on about whether it was or was not exactly five seconds? It makes no difference. He didn't withdraw until he had come. That took a noticeable amount of time and in that time, the OP was suffering. Get a grip.

He had time to say, 'I'm going to come.' It sounds like more than 5 seconds actually. If he had a chance to reply he had a chance to exercise self control and withdraw.

Agree with you @Sleeplikeasloth
Timing is crucially important in this situation, it’s the main crux of the matter...as stated by the OP in her original post.

There are so many variables and nuances within their relationship, none of us can begin to profess we know exactly what either OP or her DH are/we’re thinking. We weren’t there.
I hope OP is being kind to herself this weekend and enjoying time with her family - and I really hope they work through this together and end up in a happy place.

Timing is crucially important in this situation, it’s the main crux of the matter...as stated by the OP in her original post.

I'd better keep a stopwatch by the bed in the future, so I can provide people with the precise number of seconds I was raped for. Because if I can't do that, I was probably not raped.

OP I’m so sorry for what has happened to you. How are you feeling, if you are in a lot of pain today please make sure you look after yourself and go and see a doctor. You don’t have to give them details if you don’t want to.

I had a similar thing after my DC2 was born, although no surgery, I had a planned c section. I told DH it was sore and he jumped off me like I was on fire. Even now if we bring it up (DC2 is 6 now!) he still says how sorry he is and it makes him feel sick that he hurt me. Obviously I’ve explained it wasn’t him hurting me as such but he still feels so sorry. He apologised straight away on the day too. The way your DH is behaving is not good at all OP. It doesn’t even seem like he’s apologised and is totally minimising. My DH has said the same as some PP husbands, that he most certainly could have stopped.