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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:18

@Pengggwn if you really want to - go for it Confused

villageshop · 05/05/2018 11:19

Well said, Louisa27.

FermatsTheorem · 05/05/2018 11:21

Timing is indeed crucial - the crucial thing is that her clearly stated "no" came before the acknowledgement that he'd heard which in turn came before the continuation of sex on his part.

I really don't get what is so difficult about this. We've even had male posters on this thread confirm that there's no lost-in-the-moment: you hear "no", you stop. Immediately. If you are a normal, decent man as opposed to a rapist.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2018 11:21

peng I agree with everything you have said on this thread

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 11:22

Luisa27

I don't think that sort of comment is appropriate, to be honest. This situation isn't funny. People demanding the OP be precise about how long her husband continued to penetrate her after she had withdrawn consent have some loose wires somewhere. It's fucking grim.

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:26

@ Pengggwyn Err...stop making sarcastic jokes about stopwatches then?

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:29

As I said, I hope OP and her DH work through this together.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 11:31

Luisa27

My sarcastic joke has a serious point behind it. You were just being flippant.

lemmein · 05/05/2018 11:31

  • the OPs DH did not try to excuse his behaviour by saying he did not hear her, so why are some posters suggesting that was the case?

  • 5 seconds of thrusting at an existing injury is a fucking long time. Imagine someone rubbing sunburn, or suchlike, for 5 seconds.

  • 5 seconds is how long the DH took to orgasm - not his 'reaction to her pain' time. The assault lasted for as long as he needed to 'finish'.

  • The OP obviously feels very uncomfortable and somewhat distressed by the incident to initially post - please do not minimise her feelings with the 'I agree with villageshop' bullshit.

'point of no return' is bollocks - as PP have said, nobody would carry on coming if there parents suddenly appeared in the room. You could stop midway and still have an involuntary orgasm, but there is no 'point of no return' for thrusting. It was a choice*, not a mistake.

OP, I'm really sorry this has happened to you, and I'm appalled your concerns have been minimised by posters who appear to hold your husbands orgasm with such high regard. However you feel is legitimate, don't let posters, or your DH convince you otherwise.

Really shocked at some of the responses. Obviously I'm aware that rape myths are rife, conviction rates show that - but I've always considered MN to be largely intolerant of that bullshit. Shame on some of you.

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:32

The suggestion that BACP counselling may be helpful, is, in my opinion, a good one too, OP.
I know it really helped someone close to me, although I can’t verify personally.

lemmein · 05/05/2018 11:35

Hmm, not sure why my post has randomly 'bolded' paragraphs Hmm

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/05/2018 11:38

The time IS important though

It really is not.

She withdrew consent ("stop"). He acknowledged that he'd heard her withdraw consent but chose to continue on and finish ("I'm going to come"). Now if he had withdrawn expediently saying "damn, I was almost there" that would be very different, if somewhat insensitive. That is not what happened. He very clearly chose to disregard her right to withdraw consent. He didn't stop at the 5 second mark because that period of time was somehow meaningful, a boundary not to be crossed or because it took that time for him to process her statement. He stopped only when he had finished, and that happened to take 5 seconds or so. If it had taken 10 seconds or 20 seconds for him to ejaculate there is no logical reason to assume he would not have taken that 10 or 20 seconds.

The logic that nonconsensual sex is alright if it is over very quickly is wrong on so many levels. Can you imagine what would happen if your logic was applied in law? It's hard enough in many cases for the prosecution to prove beyond reasonable doubt that consent was lacking without also having to counter a mitigation that the accused ejaculated in a timely manner.

Luisa27 · 05/05/2018 11:39

I think from what she told me, the ability to have the time to examine your thoughts, feelings and anxieties in a neutral safe environment - with a qualified professional - who has no emotional investment in your relationship/s - is what makes the whole counselling experience so valuable. Anyhow, just a thought...

downthestrada · 05/05/2018 11:46

Well my DH has waited months for us to have sex and I could see he was enjoying it, so I grinned and beared it and gritted my teeth as long as I could. He was nearly done when it got too bad... in the grand scheme of things, I've had worse done to me.

This is awful. So, men’s right to pleasure is more important than a women’s pain? It’s bad here that you believed this and decided to grin and bear it, that you knew that your dh must have believed this too. And that he was happy to continue.

What’s wrong with waiting until you can both mutually enjoy it? What would happen if you asked your husband to wait? Why wouldn’t he be happy to wait?

ToffeeUp · 05/05/2018 11:53

Endless conversations and counselling to make a man understand that stop it hurts means stop it hurts? Fuck that.

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/05/2018 12:21

Endless conversations and counselling to make a man understand that stop it hurts means stop it hurts? Fuck that.

The time to have those conversations is when they're children. If they still need to be had when they're grown men it's almost certainly too late.

somefolkaresoentiteled · 05/05/2018 13:33

I don't think we're making this any easier for OP. We should be supportive. She needs to make her own decision and women arguing with one another about the rights and wrongs is not helpful.

TorviBrightspear · 05/05/2018 15:31

"The point of no return" is definitely bollocks. If you've ever watched porn, the men are withdrawing so the ejaculation is filmed all the time. Of course men can control themselves. This myth is up there with the blue bollocks crap.

i do not believe the OP's DH didn't have time to stop as soon as she said. He should have stopped, but chose to prioritise his orgasm over OP's wishes and pain.

And forgiveness is only of use in a relationship when the other person acknowledges what they've done and actually owns it. Forgiving someone when they dismiss your concerns, and you know there's every chance it could happen again is just being a doormat.

I've been in a relationship where I was coerced into things I didn't want to do, stuff he knew I didn't like. Took me a long time to see that meets the legal definition of rape. I'm not with that person any more, and I've worked on my boundaries a lot. I'd leave someone who treated me like this, unless they totally owned it and didn't repeat it.

Smeddum · 05/05/2018 15:39

I agree that when people say he 'couldn't stop in time' they mean he couldn't stop himself ejaculating, but I think there is also an assumption that, since he was going to ejaculate, he had the right to keep going, and that I find utterly unacceptable and sad

If you take all the arguing, the mudslinging, the frankly horrendous views some have aired on this thread and the bickering away, it boils down to the above statement.

Nobody has the right to use a woman’s body for their own pleasure when she has said no. When she says no is irrelevant.

Any other argument is being a rape apologist. If you’re unhappy with that, ask yourself why you’re happy to justify rape?

Namechangedname · 05/05/2018 16:25

Where was his self-control?

mathanxiety · 05/05/2018 20:57

Luisa
Never once did I say that I, or others thought “the OP should just get over it” EVER.

If you think there is a substantive difference between 'forgiving' (cf Village) and 'getting over it', please explain.

wherewithal · 06/05/2018 05:15

Most people here have agreed with themselves that what happened was rape, and summon horrified contempt for those who have the gall to disagree. This contempt would logically extend to the OP, who has also said, twice now, that she didn’t consider this to be rape (though it’s true she also said “I know that doesn’t count for anything"). Her AIBU, if I’m reading it correctly, was if her partner’s ‘opening the floodgates, past the point of no return’ excuse had any merit. I think we’re all in agreement he should’ve stopped. The clemency a precious few would grant him is contingent on his understanding that he went too far.

Just as logically, forgiveness as mooted by the unfailingly thougthful villageshop is the only way forward if the OP wishes to continue with the relationship. I don’t think anyone would blame her if she didn’t, even us “rape apologists”. However, if Stephen Lawrence’s father can forgive his son’s killers, it’s within the realm of possibility the OP can eventually do the same with her husband. Of course, only she can know if he’s worthy of it.

Pengggwn · 06/05/2018 06:01

However, if Stephen Lawrence’s father can forgive his son’s killers, it’s within the realm of possibility the OP can eventually do the same with her husband. Of course, only she can know if he’s worthy of it.

There you go again. Forgiveness isn't a right. It can't be required if anybody. Although you say you understand that it is totally up to the OP whether or not to forgive, actually, your use of a 'much worse things happen' example suggests that you still want to minimise this and place an obligation on the OP to do the same. She doesn't have to. If she doesn't feel she was raped, that is fine by me. If she doesn't want to forgive her husband, right now or ever, that is fine by me. It's none of my business.

But what I don't find tolerable is any attempt to change the definition of the word 'rape' to exclude non-consensual sex in relationships, or non-consensual sex where consent was initially given, or to place obligation on a victim to forgive their rapist because of the mortgage, or the kids, or because they love them. That has implications for me and for everyone else, and it isn't acceptable.

BastardGoDarkly · 06/05/2018 06:02

I've been on this site a long time. I don't ever think my jaw has dropped so often for so long on any thread before.

Op. If you don't feel you were raped, thats absolutely your call, your feelings are yours, call it what you want.

Legally and technically you were of course, and you must be bloody reeling right now.

Tell your husband you need space to process what he's done, and talk to someone you love and trust, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Take it easy love Flowers

RhiWrites · 06/05/2018 06:13

DH says he was ‘past the point of no return’ and was horrified that I have been dwelling on it all day.

Maybe you were “dwelling” on it, OP, because you were horrified that your husband went on having sex with you without your consent.

I’m sorry, I don’t know where you go from here but he needs to accept that what he did was very wrong and can never happen again. At the moment he’s dismissing it.

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