DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

I find my think shouting at other women and accusing them of being in the dark ages is unhelpful here.

The fact is none of us were actually there in this situation. Nobody knows the wider context of the OP's relationship. Only the OP can make this judgement and decide whether she can still trust her husband. This may take some time.

The truth is, I think the majority of women have "gone along" with something which they didn't want, were unsure about or later regretted. How many women, for instance, can honestly say they have never consented to sex with their husbands even though they were too tired or not feeling 100%? Is this rape too? Or how many women have experimented with something it turned out they didn't really enjoy? This does happen, even within the most supportive of relationships. Only the OP can determine how she feels moving forward.

I agree fully with VillageShop.

I believe the OP when she says five seconds.

I believe her because he had enough time to respond to her, then orgasm.

I can’t believe people are so determined to defend the husband that they’re willing to accuse the OP of exaggerating how long it actually went on for.

Making excuses for somebody who completely disregards the word NO is unhelpful

A concept that I don't think has been mentioned so far but is crucial to any successful long term relationship... is forgiveness.

I've had a lot of experience of painful sex, because it causes triggers from my childhood SA. Before the DDs came to us, the memories were repressed and I couldn't understand why I used to tighten up so much. It made the act really painful and I regularly asked my DH to stop. He always did straightaway.

I can't cope with sex at all now, and he accepts this.

Your story gives me the shivers, OP, it definitely is rape in the circumstances you describe. The apologists remind me of my DM's advice to 'lie back and think of England.'

Decent men, like my DH and my BIL (my DSis has very similar issues to me) get very offended at the idea that men are unable to stop, as it's about exercising self-control.

My DH would stop if he thought I was in pain without me even asking, let alone carry on “past the point if no return” WTF does he think the withdrawal method is??

His reaction is more about him and how he feels about you dwelling than about you

How many women, for instance, can honestly say they have never consented to sex with their husbands even though they were too tired or not feeling 100%? Is this rape too?

NO. Fucking hell, why is this so hard? The definition of rape is that the accused had NO REASONABLE BELIEF THAT THE OTHER PERSON WAS CONSENTING.

A person who is not keen to have sex but consents to it, absent any coercion, has not been raped. A person who does not consent, providing the accused doesn't honestly think they do consent, has been raped.

It is a crystal clear and very simple definition.

Oh for crying out loud. Heard it all now. Yes he did disregard your feelings, yes he made you feel uncomfortable enough to question his intentions...but you're married. So forgive him.

We really are slipping back into the dark ages

I would say accepting someone continuing to penetrate you with their penis after you’ve asked them to stop would be like living in the dark ages.

Pumper the pumper, can I suggest you do two little experiments this morning.

1. get a timer, press go and shut your eyes. Press stop after 5 seconds. See how close you are. I'm usually 0.5-1 second out.

That's the easy test. The second is that you as your partner if you have one, to secretly set a timer going, stop it and ask you to estimate the time. How close to the actual time we're you?

The first test shows how even under perfect conditions our ability to estimate time isn't great. That's when we know we need to count, and count from the start. The second is a retrospective count (how long did that happen for?) and that's really, really hard.

The situation here is somewhere in the middle, as the op was not anticipating counting (and almost certainly wasn't counting) but equally, would have been aware of the 'start' as it were. The pain she was in would have distorted it though.

Yes, he said he was coming (which he may or may not have said anyway). I've timed it and I can happily say that in just over half a second (0.62) so that is no indication of the five seconds at all.

Without a stopwatch, no one can ever truly 'believe' someone's estimate of time with anything as most of us are terrible at it.

Refusing to acknowledge that a guess of time in pain, may not be accurate, is very biased.

WS12 Sat 05-May-18 08:32:10
To me a rapist has a motive, their actions are wanting to have sex with a man or women whether they consent or not.

The OP's husband had sex for five seconds with a woman whether she consented or not, yet you continue to deny that what he did was rape.

The rape started when she said stop.

Not sure what is so difficult for you to understand about the concept of consent. Clearly many of us have been socialised to consider our bodies partly the property of other people, not entirely ours.

Contrary to everything you have posted here, there is no grey area, men can control themselves and women should expect them to, and we don't have to put up with this shit.

I'm starting to seriously worry about my DD & her friends. If women are trying to convince others that this is nothing major & can be brushed over...what the fuck are they teaching their sons????

A concept that I don't think has been mentioned so far but is crucial to any successful long term relationship... is forgiveness.

It hasn’t been mentioned so far because there’s no sign that OP’s husband understands that he even did anything wrong. If he says he was ‘past the point of no return’ then he’s saying he had no choice in the matter and no control over his actions.

Forgiving someone who’s hurt you and doesn’t even acknowledge they were wrong to do so, and clearly will provide no guarantee of not doing it again, is not a duty you owe in marriage.

What an awful situation bjou, it was rape when you told him to stop and he ignored you and just carried on. Like others have said, he put his needs and pleasure before your pain, that is selfish, arrogant and disrespectful. The way he is afterwards is dreadful too, like you should get over it, minimising your feelings and not at all apologetic. Is he usually like this! I don't know where you want to go from here, but if you did not want to end the relationship, this is a one off, you should sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel, and how his behaviour made you feel. I would not be having sex at all with him, until you are better, and until he can respect you. I would also show that short clip that has been put on here, about consent. If he is not willing to do this, than I don't see any way forward with the relationship.

Op you can talk to rape crisis, women's aid, (gp if no safeguarding issue for dc). They will not force you in what todo, but offer support.
Where do people get off telling other women what they must do? It's abusing her again. She like us all will make her own decision in her own time. She may change her decision, it's hers so she can. Best wishes

The truth is, I think the majority of women have "gone along" with something which they didn't want

Never. Do NOT speak for the majority or women please.

How many women, for instance, can honestly say they have never consented to sex with their husbands even though they were too tired or not feeling 100%?

Me for one. But then again, I have a husband who is respectful of my wishes and is not ruled by his dick and balls.

You see, some men do not think that getting their end away is more important than respecting their partners.

I know some of you may find that hard to understand, but men like this do actually exist.

I am sorry for those of you who haven't ended up with a partner who sees you as an equal.

The myth that men are unable to stop themselves once they're past the point of no return as it were, is just so dangerous. I heard it first from my abusive father as a child and my DM has perpetuated it since then. It's how these abusers get away with what they do and why victim blaming happens, like those who say that the victim shouldn't have dressed provocatively etc.

Just listen to those of us who are saying what it feels like to have a man who ignores you when you say 'stop'.

Yes, he said he was coming (which he may or may not have said anyway). I've timed it and I can happily say that in just over half a second (0.62) so that is no indication of the five seconds at all

You fucking wierdo. Why are you obsessed with the 5 seconds. Does it fucking matter? OP asked her husband to stop and he didn't because he was more bothered about shooting his load.

Hear hear Danny. I've been forced to do things i didn't consent to...which of course is rape. I have never willingly done something i didn't want. Big difference.

I find it sad that in this day & age women feel they have to agree to stuff even if they cba, are too tired, just don't fancy it. And usually the reason is because their OH will sulk like a giant toddler. Good men do exist & we need to start holding the not so great ones to account!!

Sleeplikeasloth

I’ll do that! And while I’m doing that, here’s an experiment for you:

1. bring yourself to the brink of orgasm

2. pretend someone has asked you to stop

3. time how long it takes you to hear them, respond, begin and then finish orgasming, then withdraw - remember: you know your partner is in pain, this is someone you are supposed to love. Time how long you would have hurt them for.

Then please come back here with more patronising advice to the OP about how she’d exaggerated the time frame, and anyone who believes her account is biased.

Dear me, Sleeplikeasloth. How unscientific of the OP. How neglectful she was not to have brought a stopwatch along.

Pain can distort one's perception of the passage of time .

But do you agree there was pain?
Or is that just her perception and therefore not to be trusted?

Another experiment for you....pop round your parents' house & get at it in the bedroom. See how fast you both stop the second you hear footsteps outside that door

*WS12

Well my DH has waited months for us to have sex and I could see he was enjoying it, so I grinned and beared it and gritted my teeth as long as I could. He was nearly done when it got too bad... in the grand scheme of things, I've had worse done to me.*

That's one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever read on here

A concept that I don't think has been mentioned so far but is crucial to any successful long term relationship....is forgiveness

A concept you and your various supporters on this thread do not seem to get is that, if you read her OP, she said "stop". She clearly and unequivocally withdrew consent. He also cannot deny that he heard her withdrawing consent because he replied to her. The reality of what happened is unambiguous. How she chooses to deal with it is for her to decide but people like you trying to define what actually happened as something trivial, something women should just accept, are doing her, and many others, a massive disservice.
You talk about forgiveness, yet you clearly struggle to even accept there is anything to forgive. I don't know whether to weep for you as a victim or despise you as a heartless rape appologist.