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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:47

. If she was raped, she needs to report it.

According to whom?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:47

@mamahanji 😂😂😂👍

Pumperthepumper · 05/05/2018 08:47

I keep seeing ‘I agree with villageshop’ on here, which bit specifically? I’d love to hear more about what work Villageshop thinks the OP should do to help her husband not hurt her again, since ‘stop that hurts’ didn’t work last time.

mamahanji · 05/05/2018 08:47

So nice you thing rape is funny.

You don't have daughters do you?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:47

Ok so everyone here agrees she's been raped.

But don't report it! Oh no! We can't report it. Who would want the rapist punished?!

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:48

WS12

Who said that?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:48

@mamahanji you are being so dramatic.

I see the OP has disappeared. Probably scared off!

FermatsTheorem · 05/05/2018 08:49

Yes, cos that's a really appropriate response on this thread, WS (wonders what the fuck is wrong with some people - have you had a complete empathy biomass, or were you born this much of an arsehole?)

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:49

@pengggwn

See ya 👋

Pumperthepumper · 05/05/2018 08:49

Well my DH has waited months for us to have sex and I could see he was enjoying it, so I grinned and beared it and gritted my teeth as long as I could. He was nearly done when it got too bad... in the grand scheme of things, I've had worse done to me.

Is this real? I can’t work out if you’re on the wind up now. You had to grit your teeth to get through it? And he knew that and kept going? He wasn’t finished when it got too bad?

If your husband really did this to you, I promise this isn’t what a loving marriage is.

mamahanji · 05/05/2018 08:50

The pity I feel for you is unreal.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:50

WS12

Well, that worked. Hmm

You must be new here.

cherrytrees123 · 05/05/2018 08:50

I agree with village shop also.

Pumperthepumper · 05/05/2018 08:51

Plus I’m guessing that you’d also waited months to have sex. Why is his pleasure more important than yours then? Why not stop and try again after a while longer until it’s mutually pleasurable?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:51

I also agree with village shop.

bastardkitty · 05/05/2018 08:51

Some posters just post stupid shit to try and derail threads....

couchparsnip · 05/05/2018 08:54

OP I hope you are ok this morning. I agree your DH needs to understand what he has done and stop minimizing. He could stop at any point if he wanted to and saying "point of no return" is nonsense.

Ask him what would have happened if there was an emergency at that point. A fire for example. He could have stopped for sure. Then ask why you being in severe pain is not an emergency.

Or kick him in the bollocks for five seconds and see how he likes it.

FermatsTheorem · 05/05/2018 08:54

I think what we're seeing here is that some of the worst victim blaming is in fact a form of Stockholm syndrome. Imagine the headfuck of, as I just put it, forcing yourself to play happy families with a man who is meant to love you but instead rapes you. Admitting that this precise situation, happening to someone else, is rape, would bring the whole house of cards down. So you blame the victim instead, for not making the choice you made and pretending everything in the garden is lovely

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:57

Look - I apologise is I have offended some people on here. But the OP may want some different perspectives and that's allthat is being given.

I sincerely hope OP is doing well today. ❤️

Pumperthepumper · 05/05/2018 08:58

Fermats yes, I was struggling to articulate this but yes, I agree with you. If this has happened to you and you’ve never questioned it and gone along with the convenient myth of ‘men can’t stop’ then I can imagine this thread would be a bit of an eye opener. I can totally see why that would be difficult to stomach and force a minimising, defensive reaction.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 09:07

Fermats excellent post. Completely agree.

What has lead these women to feel that they MUST bear pain until their partners sexual gratification is met, it bizarre to me.

mustbemad17 · 05/05/2018 09:07

Fuck me i'm actually disgusted that women are trying to defend this bullshit. I've had more outraged responses from some of the guys i've questioned about this. Step out of the history books ladies, marital rape is ILLEGAL now!!

If my son came home & told me he had done this i'd castrate him. If my daughter came home & told me this, i'd castrate whichever wanker did it. Why is this acceptable because he was close to orgasm?! What a wonderful defence we have set up for rapists everywhere.

As for whoever told OP not to tell a friend...mind boggling. I'm just stunned. Yes, you've suffered something that is clearly traumatic for you, but don't tell anybody in case it ruins DPs street cred. Fuck sake how backwards is this??!

JacquesHammer · 05/05/2018 09:09

The reason women continue to feel they have to this this shit is ok, is because of people minimising sex without consent.

It’s that stark.

Sex without consent.

Doesn’t sound great right? So no, it isn’t normal. It IS rape and you don’t HAVE to put up with it.

Sleeplikeasloth · 05/05/2018 09:16

I think people are taking the five seconds as too much of a certainty in this.
It's possible it was actually five seconds, but I'd put good money on it being a lot shorter than that.

Pain does weird things to our ability to perceive time (which most people aren't good at at the best of times). Time can feel like it slows down. When I have fallen over, for example, it's felt like several seconds whilst going down, when there likelihood is it would have been less than one.

I was involved in a car accident years ago, that I could swear blind went on for at least 30 seconds, probably more, because so much went through my mind, but that was because of the situation I was in. The reality was the car accident was likely 5-10 seconds max. Without a stopwatch, it would have been a complete guess.

The 'five seconds' may have been closer to one or two. At which point, given you've got reaction time and imminent orgasm, it's a slightly different situation, and he may have stopped as soon as he could (or knew he was in the process of coming anyway, and therefore stopping would be imminent.)

If it was five seconds, then that's actually quite a long time, and whilst personally I probably wouldn't leave my husband for it, as a one off, I could understand how some people might.

If it was one or two seconds, that simply felt like five seconds, then I'd much more take Village's view.

mustbemad17 · 05/05/2018 09:17

If somebody can tell you they are about to come they can react