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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:27

WS12

So - and I am glad you've cleared this up for me - there is a set number of seconds it is okay for a man to carry on penetrating me, and it isn't called rape unless he goes over that? How many is it? I'll tell DH.

maymai · 05/05/2018 08:31

My DH says, no you're not being u. If he had time to say he was going to come he could have pulled out.

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:32

WS12

Then your basic issue is that you don't understand the law.

PrancingQueen · 05/05/2018 08:33

Actually fucking speechless at some of the attitudes on this thread.
This isn’t the first time she had sex after childbirth, she had surgery due to a traumatic birth and her husband did this to her.
I am absolutely astounded that women are minimising what he did to her, telling her not to tell her friends, and telling her it’s normal.

WTF

mamahanji · 05/05/2018 08:33

Thanks WS12 we'll update the law on your definitions of rape 👍 should lower the conviction statistics even more. Winners all around eh

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/05/2018 08:36

@WS12 I was raped by a friend of a friend. I had turn clothing. I was forcibly restrained.
I still recognised what happened to OP as rape. Because it was rape.
She said no. He carried on against her wishes. He didn't care about her more than his desire.
He then dismissed it from his mind as normal to the point where he was shocked she still thought about it 24 hours later.
I'd say her rape was worse than mine
Mine was by someone I didn't trust.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:37

So, what are we adding?

Rape must be violent and involve hitting and beating.
If your husband loves you he is allowed to have sex with you without your consent.
Rape has to be malicious (definition pending)
If he hasn't come, he is allowed 'two or three thrusts' or five seconds, whichever comes first (as it were).

FermatsTheorem · 05/05/2018 08:37

It's depressing to see so many fucking rape apologists out there, isn't it? Explains some of the recent crazy court judgements (like the guy who was acquitted using the defence that he tripped and fell penis first into the woman's vagina as she lay passed out on the floor in a drunken stupor. I mean, that's way beyond "the dog ate my homework" in terms of plausibility, it's into "alien dogs kidnapped my homework" and shouldn't have raised "reasonable" doubt in the minds of the jury)

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:38

Well what would everyone on here have done with the man then?? Report him to the police for rape - because that's what she has to do if she's been raped. He will then go on the sex offenders register and serve time on priseon, their marriage will break down after years of anloving relationship, and they'll have to divorce, most likely sell the house and pay off the remainer of their mortgage, he'll absolutely lose his job, most likely see his children under supervision for the rest of their childhood.

Is this what you'd have done?

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 08:39

Women who have actually been physically beaten, restrianed, had their clothes torn, bones broken and unimaginably violated.... would find the comparison of this scenario

If you actually rtft, you would have read that women who have been victims of what you describe, do still think that the OP has bee raped.

You are so ignorant that I think you must be damaged somehow.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:39

WS12

What I would do in response to being raped is not what defines whether I was raped, is it?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:39

I have been in the OPs position and I don't feel I was raped.

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:40

Anyway let's leave it at that. People love a good argument on here.

Pengggwn · 05/05/2018 08:40

WS12

You are allowed to feel what you like. It doesn't change the law.

mamahanji · 05/05/2018 08:42

By your definition, an unreported crime didn't actually happen? Is that what you think or are you trying to back track because you are condoning rape in relationships when the man has children and a job.

Just need to check what you are actually saying.

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:42

One pp said

"You were raped by your husband. So sorry."

It's vile to be so frank.

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:43

No read my comment properly. If she was raped, she needs to report it.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 05/05/2018 08:43

it’s vile to be so frank

The OP’s husband did a oopsy and he’s a naughty man.

Is that better?

Pumperthepumper · 05/05/2018 08:44

WS12 you must see that what your husband did was not ok - whether or not you’ve gotten over it, or didn’t think it was a big deal, or whatever - continuing to orgasm when he knows you’re in pain and have asked him to stop is not ok. It’s not just one of those things you have to put up with because he’s a loving father or whatever other bollocks has been spouted on this fucking disgrace of a thread.

BlondeB83 · 05/05/2018 08:44

Agree with villageshop.

mamahanji · 05/05/2018 08:45

Poor hubby just wanted a happy ending and now is made to feel bad about it? It's her wifely duty to provide vagina for him!

Poor menz all around the world not being allowed free reign over their woman's vagina. Your husband included. Being told
Off for a few more seconds thrusting...

How low does your self esteem have to be to value your body and consent so little?

WS12 · 05/05/2018 08:46

Well my DH has waited months for us to have sex and I could see he was enjoying it, so I grinned and beared it and gritted my teeth as long as I could. He was nearly done when it got too bad... in the grand scheme of things, I've had worse done to me.

FermatsTheorem · 05/05/2018 08:46

Well, as I said upthread, for me this would be one of those incidents there's no coming back from. Psychologically I probably wouldn't be able to leave immediately, because I'd still be confused about loving my husband and wondering why he could have done something so horrific to me. Then as it ate away at me, there'd be a period of confusion working through it and facing up to the enormous practicalities and trauma that divorce would involve. Eventually though, I'd have to leave because otherwise it would break me psychologically having to force my mind to play happy families with a man who was meant to love me and had raped me.

I probably wouldn't go to the police because I know what the conviction rate for rape looks like. Hell, I probably wouldn't go to the police for stranger rape because I know what the conviction rate looks like, and, having supported a friend through a rape complaint and sat through some of the police interviews, I know how the police handle rape victims, and it's brutal.

PrancingQueen · 05/05/2018 08:46

Where have all the stepford wives come from?

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