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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/05/2018 20:46

I don't think this was rape. I think he's guilty of putting himself before OP's immediate needs, but not rape.
It was a 5 second incident that he was probably was unable to control. OP initally consented.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/05/2018 20:47

And I agree with everything village shop said.

mustbemad17 · 04/05/2018 20:48

op initially consented

Ah i wondered when that would crop up. Consent is ongoing it can be withdrawn at any point, & rightly so!!

Just read the OP to my DP...even before i finished his view is that stop means stop. If you don't respect your partner's choice to say no you're a c**t.

CocoaGin · 04/05/2018 20:49

Bijou there has been a lot written on here and a lot of opinions.

But what stands out for me is your words "but those 5 seconds were awful". I think the fact you've even posted means it's troubling you. You trusted your DH to listen when you said stop. But he didn't.

That would be a massive issue for me. I hope you're ok.

mustbemad17 · 04/05/2018 20:55

OP everyone (myself included) will have their take on this, for one reason or other. I agree with Cocoa, for you to post about it suggests it has impacted on you more than you thought. If you have someone irl you can chat this over with it might help. Take care of yourself tho & don't let anybody else tell you how you should be feeling. Emotions always run high when this sort of topic arises

ToffeeUp · 04/05/2018 20:57

Sorry to hear his reaction Bijou. You know the 'point of no return' is bullshit. You were in pain and he could have caused real damage. You were at your most vulnerable and he broke your trust.
He should have stopped, no excuse for not doing so.

mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 21:10

You were in great pain that brought tears to your eyes and he is horrified you have been dwelling on it all day?

Doe that mean horrified in the sense that he now sees what a terrible thing he did, or horrified that you think badly of him?

I suspect the latter since he has offered the idea that it is ok to proceed past a certain point regardless of you saying no and telling him he was hurting you.

mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 21:10

...to proceed ONCE past a certain point..

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2018 21:41

He's minimizing. I'm so sorry.

2andcountingtodate · 04/05/2018 21:43

It's worrying that he thinks there's a point of no return and that he's minimised how you feel with his own horror that you have been thinking on it all day. So how can you trust him at his so called point?

At least if he had been horrified that he had done something to make you feel this way it would have been something. I bet if his parents suddenly had appeared the point of no return would suddenly shrink.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 04/05/2018 21:47

He is minimising. That was an incredibly selfish thing for him to do.
If you said stop when he was actually mid orgasm then perhaps his argument would hold some weight.
But just about to orgasm he could have pulled out and orgasmed outside of you. If he was still going for five seconds of pumping then that is not mid orgasm is it.... its pre orgasm so he could have stopped and pulled out.... Yes it may have been a bit shit for him but he shouldnt put the quality of his orgasm above your physical safety, I mean WTAF?

He assaulted you so his orgasm wouldnt be shit.
Hes a total arse wipe and Id be completely livid.

Annwithnoe · 04/05/2018 21:53

If my best friend told me what I’ve written then I would go and get her and bring her to sleep on my sofa.

Bijou, is there anyone in real life you could talk to?

somefolkaresoentiteled · 04/05/2018 22:36

Another concern here is the fact that he doesn't seem bothered about what he has done! The fact that he is 'horrified you've been dwelling in it' not horrified he has caused you pain and broke your trust.

villageshop · 04/05/2018 23:05

Bijou, it doesn't sound as though your H has grasped the full impact of your distress.

In order to heal and get past this a great deal of talking is needed. From your H you need to see genuine remorse along with patient and compassionate listening and clear and unambiguous signs of remorse and responses that make you believe that he understands and regrets what he did and how it made you feel.

While I agree that 'horrified that you've been dwelling on it all day' is not the same as 'horrified about what he did', it's probably true that he is horrified to discover you've been dwelling on it all day. It is clear from your post today that he had no idea of the emotional impact of those 5 seconds. You both need to talk until he understands and responds in a way that can re-build trust and facilitate healing within your relationship.

As I said earlier, this may take some time. But it will only happen when if he truly grasps the emotional impact of that night and behaves in a way that will be healing for you.

I wouldn't talk to a friend about this, you may well regret it in the long term when this is long forgotten (yes, you can get past this if you both want to and are prepared to put in the work) and yet it will stay in your friend's memory forever when you wish it didn't.

This is private and intimate between you and your H so if you think talking it over would help then I suggest an independent BACP accredited counsellor.

mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 23:25

It's not good at all that he is horrified that she has been dwelling on it all day.

It is clear from your post today that he had no idea of the emotional impact of those 5 seconds
I think when you find yourself contemplating sitting someone down to explain basic human civility to someone, then a point of no return has been reached in a relationship.

You are also implying when you express the wish to have that conversation that once (if) a sufficient level of understanding has been reached you are willing to give it a go again. You need to ask yourself would this be the case?

You have to pause at this juncture and ask yourself what sort of a person you are dealing with. So far there have been two incidents. The first was not withdrawing despite knowing he was causing you pain/prioritising his satisfaction over your distress/completely disregarding your lack of consent, and the second was the pretty brutal attempt to dismiss your reaction.

How much trust in this man's character has been lost? How different does he look today from the man you knew a few weeks ago?

What would you say his basic assumptions are about you when you have sex? How does he see you? How does he see himself? What assumption lies behind the ex post facto justification that he was past the point of no return?

JiminyBillyBob · 04/05/2018 23:32

He may well have been past the point of no return in terms of ejaculating. But if he’d truly wanted to stop he would have.
If a small child or his mother had walked in would he have still carried on for five seconds?

pallisers · 04/05/2018 23:58

and the second was the pretty brutal attempt to dismiss your reaction.

Yes I agree with this.

On one level I do agree with people on this thread saying hang on a second in a marriage people make mistakes and you need to be able to talk about those mistakes etc.

On the other hand as someone who did have a significant vaginal trauma after childbirth, it was incredibly important to me that dh having sex with me afterwards was careful and understanding and mindful of how painful it could be. But I never articulated that to myself before now (21 years later) because it literally didn't occur to me that dh might not feel the same or be that careful, considerate sexual partner.

If he had hurt me during those first sexual encounters, I'm not sure what I'd have thought - probably like I didn't know who the hell he really was - not the man I thought I married certainly.

But maybe I could imagine a situation in which dh was almost in the throes of climax, I said "it's hurting" and he continued to climax - not 5 seconds but immediately. I'd be upset and angry at that. But what would really bother me is if I explained to him what happened and his reaction was that he was horrified at my reaction - not horrified that he had hurt me or upset me or had sex without my consent.

I think most men would be horrified that they had hurt their wife. They'd be horrified at how their wife might not trust them anywmore. Not horrified at her reaction to his actions.

And it wasn't past the point of no return - 5 seconds of thrusting (painfully for OP) to get to orgasm isn't the point of no return.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 00:25

This is private and intimate between you and your H so if you think talking it over would help then I suggest an independent BACP accredited counsellor

Yes, don't talk to your friends and family, because they will tell you what you don't want to hear 🤐🤔

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 00:26

village I don't know what your parents relationship was like growing up, but I can take a pretty good guess.

NoFanJoe · 05/05/2018 00:27

"Point of no return", what the fuck's that? He's all minimise and deny.

You're totally justified in throwing him out and never looking back. Having said that, you can also choose to forgive and forget and move on. People do screw up badly sometimes. Trust your instincts, you're the one who can weigh things up.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 00:32

I do agree that it is up to OP, but the fact she said if it happened to her friend, she would be telling the to come and stay at her house, speaks volumes.

Would I ltb, dunno. Would I ever trust him with my wellbeing? Never.

WanderingTrolley1 · 05/05/2018 00:45

I think villageshop is right.

differentnameforthis · 05/05/2018 02:29

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open It's actually NOT difficult to stop. That is a myth that is intended to "excuse" men raping their partners.

WS12 · 05/05/2018 02:34

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differentnameforthis · 05/05/2018 02:51

The 5 second thing (although said by op) is a red herring.

Op said shop.
He carried on while saying "i"m going to come"
He carried on for what op says was 5 seconds.
He came.

That would have been more than 5 seconds from start to finish for op, and by her own admission she was "in great pain" throughout.

And he didn't "stop" he finished. He came. At that point his orgasm was more important than op's discomfort.

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