DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

Is what happened.
But I doubt it.

Queenoftheblitz

I doubt it too, since the OP said he responded.

As I said way up thread, her DH should have been checking that she was okay with what was happening every step of the way, and at the back of his mind, be prepared that she may well suddenly feel uncomfortable

I agree. I also said that way up thread. It was not an occasion for being lost in the moment. He should be mortified, devastated etc.

Luisa apologies - was first time having sex after post birth vaginal surgery.
But I'm unsure how that changes anything material?

I've had a Fenton's procedure and still had great trepidation & an expectation of care & consideration from my DH to stop if it hurt. As I would anytime.

Oh really, don’t apologise @LastOne - I’m not cross - was simply pointing out the facts. I had the same procedure last summer, so I do have empathy

Hi I was discussing this with my DH earlier and as soon as I said what happened he looked shocked. As soon you said no he should have stopped, sorry but where is the line, 5 seconds this time 5 minutes the next. My DH said rape straight away and neither of us are people who jump to those sorts of opinions. I asked him isn't it a difficult situation and he said a definite no nothing difficult stop means stop no matter when you say it! Sorry op I hope you are ok

A stranger did punch me in the street recently

I called the police. Not to report the incident and press charges but to ask them to find the person and help them because they were obviously mentally unwell. I totally forgave them

Yes okay, that happened 🤔. What a coincidence this happened to you so you could use it to prove a point just a few days later.

It totally did happen.

I was with a friend in Greggs, was in the queue and the person before me in the queue was acting strangely. They looked at me , so I smiled at them and they told me to fuck off and ran out the shop. When I came out they were waiting and started shouting at me saying “who the fuck do you think you are” . so I said “are you ok? Can I help?” And they panicked with rage and punched me. Then ran off shouting fuck off.

But anyway, I doubt you believe me any more for me giving more details , but it’s quite exciting to not be believed!

A stranger did punch me in the street recently

I called the police. Not to report the incident and press charges but to ask them to find the person and help them because they were obviously mentally unwell. I totally forgave them

Please stop wasting police time.

Last post on the subject, because I don’t want to derail the thread..... but wasting police time to let them know that there was a mentally unstable person running around out of control and punching people? Surely for their own safety and the next person they came across it was wise for the police to be aware. They punched me in the chest. If they’d had a knife I could have been seriously wounded. And I was also concerned that they may have been a missing person and be vulnerable and at risk. They ran off at speed into traffic.

Hoochy, police don't tend to take you seriously if you say "I got punched but I don't want to press charges."
When they take your statement they ask if you're prepared to give evidence in court. Too many people don't turn up at court and the case collapses. So yes, you can waste police and court time with that attitude. Your statement is important evidence and it's not your decision to press charges.
That is down to the CPS who will dismiss it if the main witness has your attitude.

Queen, so the community policeman who thanked me for my statement because it would assist them finding the person and that understood why I didn’t what to make a complaint against someone who was obviously mentally unwell was humouring me. Fair enough. You are obviously correct.

Anyway, hope the OP is ok tonight x

Yes they were humouring you. They haven't got police powers to arrest, they can do a citizens arrest.
Hopefully the next time this man hits someone, the victim will be prepared to give evidence, the man is arrested and his mental health checked out.

DH says he was ‘past the point of no return’ and was horrified that I have been dwelling on it all day. I don’t know if it’s this thread or just a nggling feeling but I don’t feel like I’ve been raped but I don’t feel like everything’s hunky dory and made better by our chat either.

If my best friend told me what I’ve written then I would go and get her and bring her to sleep on my sofa.

Bijou, it's good you're talking about it. Did he admit to hearing you say stop?

Bless you OP x maybe you should tell your best friend x

It’s maybe a combination of this really horrible event happening to you and reading the strong views on this thread. Totally understandable your not feeling good. Maybe more time to process it, a bit of space from your husband, and some love from friends.

Did he try to minimise it? Blame you? Deny it? Did he apologise and listen and look to learn from your conversation?

No means no, no excuses.

Has AIBU always been like this or is there an influx of rape apologists desperate to excuse men?
It's quite horrifying, and I hope my dd grows up knowing more about consent than loads of you on here!

There isn't a point of no return. I really can't imagine DH doing this. The fact that he's horrified you're 'dwelling on it' is so minimising. 💐

I can’t imagine how you couldn’t be on high alert with your partner post-surgery. How could he be so lost in the moment (on high alert) AND be conscious enough to respond to you saying stop?

Really horrified that some women accept this as normal, it really, really isn’t.

Sorry point of no return is NOT an excuse for inflicting pain on someone he loves

How truly horrified was he about it - was he at all apologetic

And I agree he should have been aware it could have been painful for you

He could have pulled out at any time no matter how close.

He just wanted to get his rocks off and didn't care enough that it made it extremely painful for you.

Sorry if that is not nice to hear.

I would imagine he felt it was very nearly over and thought in that moment yes ok I'm nearly there, not really processing that each movement was actually pain for you. I'm not excusing and as others have said, it's perfectly possible to pull out to finish. Maybe he was so close he felt pulling out and finishing over you was not correct either. And maybe he just didn't realise how much you were not enjoying it which is rude but does happen. I would be pissed off and fearful he wasn't putting my needs first, especially first time post surgery. You know him and whether you can move past this, but like you I would be extremely pissed off.

Bijou I'm sorry if this thread has been somewhat hijacked by those of us with strong opinions on both sides of the issues (and I'm one). I hope you can find the time and space to make sense of this to your own satisfaction, because ultimately it's what you feel about it that matters. You don't owe us anything (or, importantly, your husband for that matter; you do not need to minimise your feelings for his sake). But remember not to squash that inner voice telling you you're not comfortable. Whatever you decide to do, don't do it by squashing down the things you feel uncomfortable about, but at the same time, give yourself time and space to think them through at your own pace.

Agree with village shop also.