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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 15:19

Actually few people have said ltb.
I haven't.
But op can't have a proper conversation with dp without looking seriously at what he did to her.
Minimising it doesn't help.

hooochycoo · 04/05/2018 15:20

I don’t think maximising helps anymore than minimising it.

TidyLike · 04/05/2018 15:20

That is rape. By definition. So sorry, OP. Fuck his 'supportiveness'.

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 15:25

Rape can be very negative in a relationship.

TanteRose · 04/05/2018 15:28

pigeon I noticed that too.
I honestly cannot believe some of what I'm reading here

Some people need this for starters

PiggeryPorcombe · 04/05/2018 15:32

Have any of the posters saying that what the op describes isn’t rape come back to say exactly what they would define rape as? Obviously the actual law is quite clear so it would be interesting to read their definition. As it would seem saying stop and the man ignoring that clear withdrawal of consent isn’t what rape is in their mind.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2018 15:37

In case anyone doesn't understand what posters are saying...

Sex when you know you the other person is isn't consenting is rape.
There does not need to be additional violence for sex without consent to be rape.

Rape doesn't have to be a stranger.
There is no longer implied consent because you married someone.
You don't have to have sex with your husband.
Men can stop at any point. Men stop at all sorts of points all the time.

The OP can make any decision about her marriage she wants. But what happened was rape. Her husband knew he did not have current consent, she withdrew consent, there was no confusion, she said 'stop' and said why. She did more than she needed (my DH would have paused at 'ow' or any sign of discomfort and asked).

Sex without consent is rape.

ferrier · 04/05/2018 15:40

so if you’re driving and you see a stop sign, does it take you a second to register it? If so you probably shouldn’t drive.

Likewise, if you can’t stop yourself mid-shag, you probably shouldn’t do that either.

This analogy doesn't really hold. When you're driving you are constantly on the alert for signs and other indications that you need to stop. Mid-shag, and given both partners seem to be enjoying it, it's easy to get lost in the moment- isn't that part of the essence of a good shag? I certainly feel an element of being out of control at times.

mustbemad17 · 04/05/2018 15:45

One would hope not if you knew the other person had been through painful surgery very recently ferrier

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 15:48

ferrier

If you feel out of control to the point that you can't stop yourself from assaulting your partner, don't have sex. It's not compulsory to have sex. It is compulsory to refrain from assaulting people.

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 15:56

When you're driving you are constantly on the alert for signs and other indications that you need to stop.

As I'd hope anyone would be when having sex with someone who had recently had relevant surgery.

Mid-shag, and given both partners seem to be enjoying it, it's easy to get lost in the moment- isn't that part of the essence of a good shag?

None of my good shags or my perception of 'seems to be enjoying it' involve my partner saying 'stop'.

I certainly feel an element of being out of control at times.

Do you mean you don't believe you can perceive ongoing consent correctly? That's incredibly concerning if so.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 16:00

@ferrier I agree with you - that analogy is very weak.....and not remotely similar to being ‘lost in the moment’ during loving, consensual sex. Very well said.

JacquesHammer · 04/05/2018 16:02

and not remotely similar to being ‘lost in the moment’ during loving, consensual sex

If you’re so “lost in the moment” you can’t understand “stop, you’re hurting” then the sex is no longer consensual.

That doesn’t strike me as a loving act.

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 16:02

not remotely similar to being ‘lost in the moment’ during loving, consensual sex.

Yes, that's right, it's not analogous to consensual sex.

ferrier · 04/05/2018 16:08

When lost in the moment I probably wouldn't hear an instruction to stop unless it was shouted or with an accompanying forceful pushing away. I'm sorry, that's just how it is for me.
With regards to legal definition, the perpetrator has to reasonably believe that consent has been withdrawn. If op's dh didn't really process the 'stop' instruction, and really only he and possibly op have any way of knowing whether he did, then he wouldn't have known consent had been withdrawn.

TanteRose · 04/05/2018 16:09

As I said way up thread, her DH should have been checking that she was okay with what was happening every step of the way, and at the back of his mind, be prepared that she may well suddenly feel uncomfortable.

It is common basic decency and respect

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 16:12

No - driving a car most certainly is not analogous to consensual sex - thank god - or we’d all be bloody robots

TheMythOfFingerprints · 04/05/2018 16:15

I am fucking horrified at some of the responses on here.

I have been raped.

In the pitch black by a bloke I didn't know.
What happened to the op was rape.

Is my experience rape-y enough for my voice to count?

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 16:24

With regards to legal definition, the perpetrator has to reasonably believe that consent has been withdrawn. If op's dh didn't really process the 'stop' instruction, and really only he and possibly op have any way of knowing whether he did, then he wouldn't have known consent had been withdrawn.

True. We can only go on the info provided.
Her saying "stop" and him saying he was coming has been interpreted by myself and others as a conversation.

It is possible that he didn't hear her say stop and him saying he was coming was an announcement, not a reply.

I would have thought op would have established this before starting a thread. It would be interesting what they said to each other afterwards when he was being supportive.

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 16:31

ferrier

Then you are responsible for not having sex with anyone who doesn't know and understand that they will need to physically show you that they want you to stop, or you will not be able to stop.

The OP's husband knew. He carries on regardless.

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 16:31

Queenoftheblitz

Oh right, the 'I didn't process it' defence.

LastOneDancing · 04/05/2018 16:44

MythofFingerprints

How 'lost in the moment' can someone be if they manage to give the response of 'I'm going to come' to 'youre hurting me'?

During first time sex after childbirth?

At the very least his actions were appalling.

mustbemad17 · 04/05/2018 16:51

With regards to legal definition, the perpetrator has to reasonably believe that consent has been withdrawn

Yes...and every 'genuine' rapist hold their hands up & says ' sorry guv, you got me'

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 16:52

Just to point out, it wasn’t first time sex after childbirth - read OP’s posts...

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 16:56

Oh right, the 'I didn't process it' defence.

Please don't think I'm an apologist. At the very best, that'

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