DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

To those shouting rape....surely you can understand the difference between consenting and having someone brutally force themselves onto you

It doesnt look likely that you understand that rape does not always involve "brutality."

He did not however pin her down and fuck her against her will.
I think that's extremely disrespectful to those who have suffered rape

Jesus I missed that bit! So, despite the fact that OP said STOP it's OK and not proper rape because he didn't pin her down. I'm lost for words!
I find it more than disrespectful that you are seeking to minimise and to decide which kinds of rape are bad and which are acceptable.

Having been stranger raped & raped by somebody i trusted i can tell you hand on heart the 'non violent' act by the trusted person was the hardest to get over. I don't feel disrespected by people saying this incident is considered rape...i'm disgusted that in 2018 women are trying to minimise the impact that non violent rape can & does have. It's like saying your DH whacked you because he 'tuned out' - oh but it's okay, he loves you, has never done it before & he said sorry. Jesus

I find it more than disrespectful that you are seeking to minimise and to decide which kinds of rape are bad and which are acceptable.

Exactly! There are people on here who have decided the "acceptable rape", the non-violent type, the type that women might experience in relationships is ok and that women should expect this and put up with it. It's not ok.

Me too mustbemad Much like you, I found the 'non violent' rape far worse than the stranger-in-an-alley rape. This thread has disgusted me. I can't believe we are still having to have these conversations to be honest.

Thymelord it genuinely terrifies me the future my DD may have after reading some of these comments. Just because something is non violent or done by somebody who 'loves you' doesn't change the damn facts. Sorry you have experienced that too; i have a hate list & still would not wish that shit on any one on it!!

To all the posters who are saying that the op was raped.......what would you do in her situation, would you finish what is otherwise a happy relationship? Would you go to the police, would you have your husband charged?

It’s a very difficult situation to be in, personally I wouldn’t end the relationship but I would be having stern words with my DP. His behaviour was very selfish and I would put it down to thinking of his own needs before mine, I wouldn’t be shouting rape.

Op has been back and said she is ok and it didn’t feel like rape, in fact her reply was short and unemotional which tells me that she hasn’t really given the matter too much thought since posting.

This has happened to me with my DP except it was anal, I gave his ass a verbal kicking the next day (pointless the evening before, we had both been drinking) he was contrite and very apologetic, he is now more aware that he has the potential to really hurt me and frequently asks during vaginal and anal sex if it’s ok, is he hurting me.
It was a one off incident and has never been repeated. The word rape never even entered my head.

These threads can get quite hysterical.

To those shouting rape....surely you can understand the difference between consenting and having someone brutally force themselves onto you.

This - well the entire post it is taken from- shows why it is so hard to secure a conviction in rape cases. Even with women on the jury.

I posted on the first page how my ONS stopped immediately when i felt pain.

A man who was not in love with me stopped immediately when i felt pain. Pain like razor blades.

The OPS DH is supposed to be in love with her and he cant stop immediately? Nope Not buying it Its rape.

What has happened here is also the perfect scenario for the OP to develop a condition like vaginismous. What would her DHs reaction be then i wonder? Would he be taking responsibility as the bloody cause of it.

I mean if you call it rape rather than calling it a mistake, is it possible to continue a marriage?

People make mistakes. A huge part of being married is dealing with that, coping with that, learning from that.

Mistakes are normal and married people make them. Especially in times of stress that life brings. ( like having a new baby )

Words are powerful and tend to intergrate into you. They are hard to come back from.

For instance I remember being in such a rage once ( when greiving and in times of stress with my DH) that I punched him. I instantly regretted it. I apologised. We talked . We worked out why and how and what. He forgave me. I forgave myself. We lived through it and got stronger.

If he’d called it domestic violence or abuse it would have been very difFerence and difficult to learn from it and stay together. I made a mistake. I’m not an abusive wife. It wasn’t a pattern of behaviour. It hasn’t been repeated.

I realise that this is a very fine line to tread between apologising for rape and trying to make the point that mistakes happen. I don’t want to draw where that line is. I suspect it is very different in every case and I understand the need for it to be a definite strong line to say that it is always called rape.

I just don’t know where that leaves room for genuine mistakes.

I don’t know what the OP is dealing with. I’m not calling it rape or otherwise. That is up to her, within the context only she knows.

Hopefully if this incident is within a context of abuse and power imbalance and lack of respect other things that if she’s honest worry her, she will fund support and look for changes.

Hopefully if it’s not then she and her husband will begin the work of getting thru the other side of it’s effects.

Whatever they call it

Drainedandconfused i can't answer that in honesty, because i don't know. I do know that the trust would be shattered & i would struggle with that. I trust my dp 100% in everything we do...if i didn't, i'm not sure i'd have the same feeling about the relationship as i do currently.

Rape can be very negative in a relationship. I haven't read the whole thread, but have you called the police, or at least told him that you will if he ever does it again? Is he abusive in other way hun?

I suggest you stay in spare room, and tell him you won't come back into the bedroom until he makes a proper apology, and buys you some flowers.

I personally think there are some incidents there's no coming back from, and for me personally this would be one of them (whether or not one conceptualises it as rape - which I do, and the law is on my side on this one). I would never be able to trust my partner again. I would know that he put his personal pleasure above my pain and consent. That would be game over. (Probably not instantly - I've been in relationships where trust was broken but you love the person, and it takes months if not years to realise there's no coming back, and your love for them can never cancel out their lack of love and concern for you.)

In your example, Hoochy, to be honest, if I was your partner, I'd think there was no coming back from that one either. Because as the person being hit, I would never know whether it really was a one-off or whether, given sufficient stress, you'd do it again. I would not be able to trust you. I would be walking on eggshells. No doubt my view is coloured by watching my sister spend 20 years in an abusive marriage, but the trust would be gone and without trust I wouldn't be able to go on in a marriage.

Yeah in what you've written hoochy i'd be out, sorry. Then again i've done the whole dv thing & i know how easy it is for somebody to excuse violence. Had you made that 'mistake' outside & punched a stranger you'd have likely been done for assault, regardless of what reasoning you gave. For me personally, violence is a definite end of the line in a relationship; dp would be out on his arse

Op has been back and said she is ok and it didn’t feel like rape, in fact her reply was short and unemotional which tells me that she hasn’t really given the matter too much thought since posting

No it doesnt say that at all, alternatively she could be in shock and not sure how to process the fact her husband didnt stop having sex when she told him to.

good grief, this thread is crazy! and quite insulting to women who’ve been raped to suggest that this is the same thing. Telling her to ltb etc. I agree with everything village wrote earlier in the thread and it seems many posters feel the same, thank god

When I was losing my virginity I changed my mind as soon as he put it in. I said no, stop, it hurts. He did not stop.
Didn’t think I was that fussed about it until years later when I had issues with sex and intimacy.
I’m so sorry that happened to you OP. Post-birth sex is a minefield in itself without your boundaries being crossed. Psychologically if you had a bad birth it can bring all the feelings flooding back. For this reason and my experience with rape we discussed it beforehand and as a result it took us a good few days of ‘stop’ and him stopping, to complete the deed.
this is clearly affecting you (as it should). I would say LTB, but that’s a decision for you to make. Either way, a conversation about boundaries is needed.

@hooochycoo

Agreeing with everything you’re saying here. Honest and incredibly true - we’re all human and we all make mistakes. Life is not black and white

Rape is sex without consent. It is in itself a violent act. Additional violence used when raping someone aggravates the original violent crime of rape. Rape is violence. There’s some ignorant fuckers on this thread.

Thank god indeed @papayasareyum

Luisa so if a stranger punched you in the street you'd accept an apology & an explanation of stress? You are perhaps a bigger person than many...it is hard enough to accept that sort of thing from a random person. To have your trust smashed by someone you love is harder.

papayasarayum and yet several posters who have experienced rape - both stranger & by someone they knew - disagree with you. Funny that

Well, I suppose at least we're seeing consistency here - rape within marriage is okay, domestic violence is okay so long as the person perpetrating it says they're really, really sorry and will never do it again.

Personally I have higher standards as to what I expect from a partner. Higher standards gained from having watched my sister go through an abusive marriage (beatings, sexual coercion, financial abuse). I have a simple "one strike and you're out rule". Sorry if that's too black and white for some of you. (I do wonder how many of the rape apologists on here are themselves in abusive marriages, and what we're seeing is a form of Stockholm syndrome - if they admitted that this behaviour was unacceptable in someone else's marriage, they'd have to admit it was unacceptable in their own, and they're not yet at a point where they can cope with that, for whatever reason, emotional or financial dependency).

Op- i hope you are ok and have no reaidual pain today. It's a scary time to have sex and you must constantly be waiting for pain.
As to where do you go...? Only you know. You are aware of what was happening between the two of you, how aware each of you were etc and also how your relationship in the past has been. Fwiw talking is always a good first step and make your decisions based on that conversation. You do not have to feel, agree or disagree ith anything/everything said. Your post was about you so please look after yourself. 💗

Reaction times range from around 0.7 secs best (someone on heightened alert) to around 3 seconds (someone aware and looking out for danger). Stop means stop but there is a processing time, we are human. That does not excuse or condone anything but we cannot have split second reactions, else boxers would dodge all punches etc.
Different people react differently to the throws of passion. Some are very, hyper aware od everything and some are in their own wee world. Perhaps in a mills and boon novel we all look each other in the eyes and whisper sweet nothings to each other as we achieve similtanious orgasms 🤔 reality is far from this for most.
The law would deal with everything by looking at all the evidence, rape is a word, for most,the is very emotive. Regardless of the definition of rape some may genuinely not relate their experinces to rape,that is their choice. I also assume that in a court processing time to allow for action may be taken into account as well? I am lucky never to have experienced any form of rape so have not had to worry about definitions in relation to my life, i cannot begin to imagine how hard it is for anyone how has been raped so could never offer any real advice. However lots of people,men and woman use sex to display/use power over others which can all go badly wrong.

Well a lot has been said since I put my oar in. I was alarmed at the start of the thread to see the extreme responses to the opening post. So I simply said what I believe, which what I would say to my daughter if the same thing happened to her.

I am heartened that many people saw this as I did, as basic human error, something to be discussed and learnt from. That may take some time and much heart to heart discussion but to throw your whole life away (and the secure family that could be there for your child in the future) would be a huge over-reaction and could bring lasting devastation to all concerned. Marriage is for the long term and along with nurturing one another from day to day there are endless adjustments to be made along a very long and worthwhile road.

OP, I hope you and your H can talk openly and that he listens with compassion and is able to empathise and understand how it felt for you.

To the poster who mentioned Mills & Boon. That's an interesting idea but my agent wouldn't like it (commission rates are not great, apparently), and anyway I'm happy where I am, with Bloomsbury.

A stranger did punch me in the street recently.

I called the police. Not to report the incident and press charges but to ask them to find the person and help them because they were obviously mentally unwell. I totally forgave them .

I’m glad my husband recognised that i’d Made a mistake and saw the bigger picture. Ofcourse that would have been more difficult or not possible. if i’d denied or Repeated the mistake. Or blamed the mistake on him. He’s also made mistakes. Our first post baby sex wasn’t perfect either. He’s also shown anger and stress with me once or twice in less than perfect ways. It’s not who he is. Life just isn’t simple. We live and grow together.
I’ve lived through an abusive marriage (my parents) and an abusive relationship and my marriage is nothing like them.

But some of you would have thrown it out with the bath water at the first mistake.

On it’s own in an otherwise good relationship, a five second delay in reaction whilst orgasming is a mistake. A potentially huge one. But it is a mistake.