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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH can get up with DS during the week?

127 replies

BPG20 · 03/05/2018 06:59

DS is 17mo and I am currently off on adoption leave with him.

DH doesn't need to leave for work until 9.30am Monday to Friday, which means he's back from work 30 minutes before DS bed time. We do take it in turns to get up with him at the weekend, but AIBU to think that maybe just once during the week DH can get up with DS so I can stay in bed for an extra hour? It would still give him 90 mins to get ready for work.

OP posts:
CoffeebyIV · 03/05/2018 07:01

He currently needs 2.5hrs to get ready for work? Unless there is a missing huge backstory YADNBU! He could get up at least twice a week if not more

HumpHumpWhale · 03/05/2018 07:02

Why once a week? Why not every other day?

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 07:06

A couple of times a week he needs to leave earlier to take DSS to school (in another town) and I'm much more of a morning person so doing the majority doesn't bother me. It's just mornings like this morning I just think "I've been up with him all week and dont get my morning off for another 3 days". He has gotten up with him this morning and doesn't make a fuss but I have to ask him, which makes me feel like I'm the default.

OP posts:
Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 07:07

He doesn't take 2.5 hours; he will stay in bed for maybe 45 mins after I get up, then get up and get ready, then about half an hour before he leaves he will come downstairs so I can go and get ready for the day.

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 03/05/2018 07:09

I work 3 days, DH works 5. On the 3 days I work, DH gets up with DC and sorts breakfast, changes nappies etc. I don't get involved.

DH moaned at first and I had to push him/meltdown for a few months but now he really enjoys spending time solo with DC. In fact currently DH is reading a book to DC even though it's my day.

I am giving you this as evidence it is possible for a man to do these sorts of things and perhaps even enjoy them Grin

Don't be put off by the sulking/temper tantrums.

MiniCooperLover · 03/05/2018 07:09

How long have you been on adoption leave? Could it just be taking a while for him to get his head around the whole small child routine again? Staying in bed for 45 mins after you get up sounds a bit wasteful when he only has 30 mins to bond when he gets home.

minderful · 03/05/2018 07:11

You want a lie in before he goes off to work?

InDubiousBattle · 03/05/2018 07:13

YANBU, my dp has always done the majority of mornings because otherwise he would only see the dc for 45 minutes a day in the evening.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 07:14

Minderful, yes, because otherwise I am doing 12 hours a day of solo parenting, including all 3 meals (which are a battle) and bath time. Unless you think that is easier than his 8 hours a day low pressure office job?

We have had DS for 4 months and DH is great with him - struggled to bond at first but they adore each other now.

OP posts:
speakout · 03/05/2018 07:18

So you don't work OP- and you want a lie in while he gets himself and your child up and ready before he goes to work.

Are you serious?

minderful · 03/05/2018 07:18

"low pressure office job" vs 'high pressure parenting'?

I preferred to work than have extended maternity leave but that was to do with adult company. SAHP is easier than many jobs.

0lgaDaPolga · 03/05/2018 07:21

My husband leaves the house at 7.30 and if my son (11 months) is awake before then he will get up with him so I can rest. He usually wakes up around 6.30/7 and it makes a difference to have that extra time in bed if I’m looking after him all day.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 07:21

Love that being on adoption leave is classed as "you don't work OP". And I'm not asking for a lie on every day - just one day during the week. DH does an 8 hour work day and gets a lie in every morning. I do 12 hours with a very active toddler but I should just suck it up?

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 03/05/2018 07:22

Taking aside the sahp vs working parent battle that this is already turning into....

I'd wonder why he doesn't want to spend some time with your child in the morning considering he doesn't get any time with him in the evening.

Joanna57 · 03/05/2018 07:22

And you didn't discuss a routine BEFORE you adopted?

speakout · 03/05/2018 07:23

Yes suck it up.

Surely this is what adoption leave is for?

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 07:23

It bothers me more that he is missing valuable time with DS, time that we won't get back.

OP posts:
GreasyHairDoNotCare · 03/05/2018 07:24

SAHP is easier than many jobs.

Yes. But not 8 hours in an office. Everyone is different and personally motherhood is very bloody hard sometimes.

Remember OP has only had her DS for 4 months so that's 13 months of bonding being crammed into 4 months which I can imagine is also very stressful.* On top of the pressure she must be feeling to get it right for her son, I think OP deserves an extra 60 minutes in bed a few days a week.* I don't think her DP is going to be falling asleep at his desk by the end of his day

GreasyHairDoNotCare · 03/05/2018 07:25

Argh bold fail Confused

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 07:26

Yep we agreed that whilst he's at work, I do all the parenting and as much housework as I can fit into his nap. Whilst he's at home, everything would be split down the middle. Which is working fine in the evenings, but not in the mornings when he hardly even comes downstairs until 8.30am.

Why should it be left to me when he is home and capable?

OP posts:
UnsuspectedItem · 03/05/2018 07:26

You want him to give you a lie in on the days that he goes to work and you're at home?

userabcname · 03/05/2018 07:26

OP yanbu. Bollocks is parenting easier than working! I am a teacher and DH is at a senior level in another profession and both of us agree that looking after a baby all day alone is way harder than either of our jobs. I hate this attitude that if you work FT you need all the sleep and lie-ins - sure, because sitting at a desk drinking coffee all day is so strenuous!

Clutterbugsmum · 03/05/2018 07:27

So what did you actually think parenting was.

Being a parent is a 24 hour 'job'. How often are you actually working 12 hours a day. I have 3 children and certainly haven't worked solidly for 12 hours even when they were all small. I had time to myself during the day.

kaytee87 · 03/05/2018 07:28

And back in the real world, decent fathers want to spend time with their kids and ease their wife's role if they're struggling.

We all get up at the same time and DH leaves early so he wouldn't be able to do this but he usually takes ds to the park for an hour after we've all had dinner so I get a breather and a chance to tidy up etc then.

Then we both relax together once ds has gone to bed. Neither of us feel hard done by and we both respect each other's contribution, try to make each other's life easier in any small way we can.

SandyY2K · 03/05/2018 07:28

I wouldn't want to be the one going to work and the other SAHP remained in bed. I'd actually feel bad to lie in if I wasn't going to work and the other parent was.

Unless you suffer with a condition, then I think YABU. No doubt you staying at home (for a year?)was part of the conditions of adoption.

You knew the weekday parenting would mainly fall to you.

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