To think DH can get up with DS during the week?

[BPG20]

DS is 17mo and I am currently off on adoption leave with him.

DH doesn't need to leave for work until 9.30am Monday to Friday, which means he's back from work 30 minutes before DS bed time. We do take it in turns to get up with him at the weekend, but AIBU to think that maybe just once during the week DH can get up with DS so I can stay in bed for an extra hour? It would still give him 90 mins to get ready for work.

'SAHP is easier than many jobs.'

I agree with this ^^, and I usually have little tolerance for the whole 'being a SAHM is the Hardest Job in the World (but only if you are a mum and not a dad)' stuff we find so often on here, but the OP's ds is adopted, which may well mean that parenting is more challenging or needs to be more intense (for want of a better word) than in your typical situation. Quite apart from that, the dh appears to be getting a lie-in 2-3 times a week currently, plus his weekend lie-in - I really don't think it would hurt for him to get up with his ds once (particularly, again in the adoption context, from the bonding aspect).

I WFH for myself PT and dh works OTH FT in a tricky environment. He gets up first and gets our older dc up and one day a week he also gets up with the toddler. I get a coffee in bed daily. I'm not saying everyone should have this (apart from anything else, my dh likes being up first and listening to the news in peace, etc) but he relishes the time he gets to spend with his dd and it's a shame if your dh doesn't.

Being a parent is a 24 hour 'job'. How often are you actually working 12 hours a day. I have 3 children and certainly haven't worked solidly for 12 hours even when they were all small. I had time to myself during the day.

Surely the same applies to her DH then? He spends no time with the child in the evening and lies in his pit until 8.30 in the morning?!

Doesn't sound like the OP is "struggling"- she just want s a lie in.

Unsuspecteditem no, just one one day. I've made that very clear.

DH is averaging about 2 hours more sleep than me every night. His job is a low pressure one, he will admit this gladly. He has looked after DS whilst I have had KIT days and admitted that he couldn't do it day in, day out because it is hard.

The OP is lucky that her OH is around at all in the mornings.

When my kids were toddlers my OH would leave at 6.30am.

Sounds like there is capability for someone to have an hour of lie in 3 weekdays a week. (As he gets up an hour after you when he doesn’t have your stepson.)

Therefore totally fair to share this.

Back in the real world, parents of 17mo children don't get to fanny around upstairs taking hours to get ready in the mornings

He chooses to lie around in bed and then spend an age getting ready, not coming downstairs until as late as possible (even though he's awake) - why is that acceptable?

I would be massively peed off if my partner was awake upstairs and deliberately not coming down so I had to deal with a toddler on my own for even longer.

Can you leave DS upstairs with him one morning while you have a shower and get yourself sorted, then you can take him while DH gets ready for work?

It seems reasonable to ask him to get up one morning a week. Perhaps it hasn't occured to him that you might like a lie in.

I do find it a bit concerning how many young mums complain about babies, toddlers and DHs or DPs not getting up. I had a discussion with a new dad the other day and was astounded about how much help he gives his wife and he has a long, high pressured job.
I told him I don't really remember DH getting up with any of ours except when the first projectile vomited over the bed ( several times) so had to change the sheets. Those days ...yes we just had to " suck it up" as that was what being a mum was about. Me time was when you got the kids to bed or a coffee at toddler group.

I have not time to comment more here. But as a fellow adopter and the knowledge of how totally exhausting and different parenting an adopted child is compared to a birth child I am going to suggest you consider posting in future on the adoption discussion boards here. They do not come up on the general feeds and you get great adoption specific advice rather than general parenting. Much more helpful. Google mumsnet adoption and you should find them.

My personal opinion is if your husband does not leave until 9.30 he should be taking a much more active role in morning routine. Your son will be needing that time to begin to build attachment to him. Remember self care is vital in therapeutically parenting our kids. You need to shorten your very long day when possible.

My toddler wakes up at 5am every single day. I'm a SAHM and my partner works. He gets up some mornings in the week and is more than happy to do so. He likes me to have a little extra sleep considering I'm caring for his child all day long which is knackering at the best of times.

5am wake ups day after day get very draining!

But her oh isn't around in the mornings, he's in his bed?
If a dad was to come home in the evenings and do nothing for the child people would be saying he should be doing 50/50 so why any different in the morning? He's not rushing out the door to work, he's lying in his bed for 2 hours after op gets up with the child.

Yeah I'm definitely not struggling. But it would be nice to break the routine a bit by DH pulling his weight a bit more in the morning. Same applies to him- he knew what he was getting himself into, he knew the additional pressures. But his day hasn't really changed- he gets up at 8am, come down some time before 9am, goes off to work and then comes home just in time for a cuddle with DS and bed time.

I love being a mum to DS and find it quite hurtful that people are suggesting that being a parent is a 24 hour job and so implying that I don't want that. But being a dad is a 24 hour job too.

I don't mean they can't help. Just find that lots of mums complain about their kids as if it is such a chore to look after your own children. I'm not saying it isn't hard work at times eg. Toddler tantrums at two.
I just find it a bit sad.

Of course he should be getting up occasionally.

8am is hardly early! I mean, he doesn't need to leave until 9 in the morning - he's more than capable of getting up at 7am once or twice a week with his own child

Bollocks is parenting easier than working! I am a teacher and DH is at a senior level in another profession and both of us agree that looking after a baby all day alone is way harder than either of our jobs

These kind of statements are not facts. They are your subjective view in relation to your children and your particular jobs. You can't be quoting it as though it's an indisputable fact... I would have thought being teacher you'd know the difference between fact and opinion.

Surely you'd correct a pupil if they quoted opinion as fact.

Whether parenting is easier than a job vert much depends on the child and the parents in question.

If you have a difficult child who cries and may have behavioural issues...then it will be challenging.

Would it be worth moving bedtime back a bit? Then your husband would get to spend time with his son in the evenings and you’d both get a lie in? It works for us.

I agree with ThePinkLady adoptive parenting is parenting+ due to the level of pressure on you due to the nature of adoption. Attachment and bonding is so important.

As well as talking to your H, see if you can get on an Introduction to Therapkay course. It’s all about how to build attachment with your child using gentle games. I got the book and it was good, but the course was invaluable in helping me understand how to apply it.

You H needs time to bond with your baby. Nurture and care like washing and feeding as well as eye contact, attention and laughter build those bonds. He probably feels a bit out of his depth, the shock of going from couple to parent to a 13 month old is a lot. Plus the constant stream of SW assessing your every move. It’s easier for him to hide upstairs then go to work. But he needs to step up and make those attachments for himself.

We've tried Coastal, slowly over several weeks, But DS just does not adapt his wake up time to the later night. So he's just grumpier through lack of sleep.

Perhaps you both need to be getting up earlier. Spend some time with each other in the morning, as well as with your DS. It doesn't need to be either or.

Dear God, but there are some arseholes on this thread.

And you didn't discuss a routine BEFORE you adopted?

Yeah, because everybody agrees every aspect of who will do what with chld rearing before having a baby/adopting. Signed in triplicate and notarised by a solicitor. Nobody every changes anything to suit their circumstances after that.

So what did you actually think parenting was. Being a parent is a 24 hour 'job'.

But only, apparently, for the mother.

I'd love to suggest that parenting an adopted child is possibly a wee bit more intense and difficult than parenting a birth child of the same age but I'm sure everyone's taken that into consideration already.

OP YANBU. Pity everyone thinks that his 8 hours is so much more valuable a contribution to family life than your 12 because he is a man earns money but hey, welcome to motherhood.

Yanbu. Take turns. You will.be doing every bedtime too during the week.

Adopting is a totally different experience and far more mentally draining.

Either way he is the parent too and should want to be with his child.

Having been a sahp and a FT working parent both are fucking hard and you need to support each other.

If dh came home from work and took 2 hours to himself with no parenting/housework you lot would be rightly scandalised.

But the fact he is doing the exact same thing in the mornings makes it ok does it?

I don't mean they can't help. Just find that lots of mums complain about their kids as if it is such a chore to look after your own children. I'm not saying it isn't hard work at times eg. Toddler tantrums at two.
I just find it a bit sad

Irrelevant really because I have not complained a out how much of a chore it is to look after my son at all I love looking after him. But I'm a bad sleeper and that one little lie in during the week can make a massive difference. I never said I want it because I need a break from DS or don't want to be looking after him, I never said looking after him is a chore.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. However, I would think for your dc, having you both up and about for a relaxed morning routine as a family would be amazing - not many families can have that, and you have limited family time on weekday evenings. So I would opt for getting up together and seeing it as family time, ‘life’, and not a task.

He lies around in bed every morning. Why is that not classed as opting out of parenting because he is going to work?